


Social Distancing & Dungeons & Dragons

by SophiexHorayne



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment
Genre: M/M, Other, actually no. graphic violence it just gets worse i’m sorry, drunk stevanos chapter three, dungeons and dragons???, i mean i put graphic violence but idk it's not... that graphic? but not great lol, i mean i tagged the boys themselves but it's just their characters in it, idiots to lovers, idk how to tag this at all, idk what of the narrative is mine and what is shanes and at this point i'm too afraid to ask, it's literally just their sd&d&d series, stevanos be like “i hate you so much now im gonna kiss you”, stevanos best ship!, subscribe to watcher
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 09:47:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 46,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23969341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophiexHorayne/pseuds/SophiexHorayne
Summary: three unlikely characters meet at a tavern and become suddenly thrown into an adventure*Basically Watcher Entertainment's sd&d&d series except that i've written it as prose. and there's probably more stevanos content because I can't control myself. Or in the words of Steve himself:three unlikely friends met this stupid guy who thought he was a celebrity who told them to find this other stupid guy who was also maybe a celebrity... they went into this, little cavern, they found this one stupid guy and brought him back to this stupid guy. And now this other stupid guy is tryna rip them off
Relationships: Stephanos Coffeebean/Steve
Comments: 22
Kudos: 66





	1. Yawning Portal Tavern

ONE

~YAWNING PORTAL TAVERN~

The candle lit tavern is packed to the guilds, bursting at the seams. Standing against the wall, three people observe the din of howling drunkards, that are gathered at every table in such a way that it appears they are all one huge group. There is roaring laughter and slurred singing, dashed with wooden tankards slapping and clonking onto tables. Just as the three begin to consider finding an alternate tavern, a tall, long bearded, friendly looking man approaches them. 

“Hello, my name is Durnan… could- could I get you all a table are you er- I presume you are together?”

“No.” A half orc says hurriedly. Beside her, the shorter two boys mumble in agreement.

“You’re not… well er, we are a little packed up right now, as I’m sure you can see, would you- would you mind sharing at table?”

“Yeah I think I can do that.” The shortest of the boys says hurriedly.

“Sure.” Replies the half orc.

“Yeah why not.” Says the third. 

Durnan hurriedly takes them through the crowds, the three strangers struggling to keep sight of him in the sea of people, but his height guides them through the tavern and across to the other side of the floor where a small low little table sits against the wall. “I’ll seat you over here and you can get cosy.” He says, and hurries away.

The three slowly take their seats next to each other, eyeing each other and wondering who will speak first. It’s the shortest who pipes up first, freeing himself of the lute on his back and resting it in the spare chair beside him. 

“Well, my name is er- my name’s Steve. I’m, I’m just wandering, you know, from out of town. Thought it would be nice to come and see if I could make any friends to have a little brew with, you know?” 

“That’s cool, I’m Qezza and I’ve er- I’m not from around here either.” The half orc replies. She’s tall with long hair that streaks across the swords tied her back. “I left my hometown after I defied my adopted father. He wanted to burn down a nearby village and it wasn’t fair so I fought him and now I have no place to live.”

The stunned silence from the two lads is balanced by the guffawing and drunken shouting from the surrounding tables. 

“Wow, er, what a lot to tell us when we have only just met, Qezza.” The third of the company says. 

“No it er, it felt good to get it off my chest.” She forces a smile, “Sorry, if it was too much. But my dad was a dick and everyone should know.” 

“Well, I am Stephanos Coffeebean.” The halfling says. “I’m from quite far away, hence the accent, so I’m sorry if it sounds a little odd-”

“No, I like it.” Steve chimes in, “It’s sexy. Like butter to my ears.”

The halfling is flustered for a moment, stutters, “Er- well, er thank you, Steve, erm, that’s very kind of you.” He’s bright red and Steve can’t _not_ notice the effect he’d had. “Anyway,” Stephanos clears his throat, “I’m er, half er, half human and the seventh of thirteen children, although they are all gone now. Sorry. Bit much? But er, but Qezza’s right, it does feel good to get it off my- off my chest.” 

Steve watches him, his face, his broad shoulders, his arms, and before he can speak, Durnan reappears, quite suddenly, at the head of the table.

“Hey folks, sorry about the wait, here are your menus, er, do you- do you want to take a couple of minutes? I can come back-”

“I just need an ale.” Qezza says at once, barely so much as glancing at the small brown menu, “Just an ale.”

“An ale, an ale, okay...” He scrawls it into his notebook, while saying, “Hope you’ve got some dragons on ya.”

The tone is jokey, but it’s a joke the three can’t crack. They stare at him, Steve blinks once and Stephanos frowns. Qezza seems to pale.

“The local... currency?” Durnan explains, “You’re, you’re really not from here, are you?”

“I knew that!” Steve says, hurriedly rifling through his rucksack in search of a purse. The others all murmur in agreement that _of course_ that’s what dragons are.

“I was gonna say! If you were showing up in Waterdeep without any money on ya- it’s, it’s an expensive town, you know?”

“Well, I just, I just go where the performances take me.” Steve explains, patting his lute gently, “Sometimes I don’t even know _where_ I am, my apologies sir.” He pulls his purse out the back and sets it, still in his hands, on the table. 

“No worries at all… so that’s one ale, anything for the little fellas?” 

The boys glower a little at the nickname but Stephanos replies nonetheless.

“Do you possibly have er- some er- some, some magic juice?” He asks.

In a chorus of confused tones, Qezza, Durnan and Stephanos echo, “Magic Juice?”

“Yeah! Juicy magic!” 

“Some ju-” Durnan can’t even say it, “I mean, er look at the menu, we have water, er, ale, wine, maybe some mead… Or I can put some magic in it if you know what I mean-”

“Stephanos where did you say you were from, again?” Qezza asks.

“Oh, I didn’t, but it’s very far away. I’m er, I’m not familiar with the er- the er currency, either. I have money from my own town if you could swap me-”

“Just get him some wine.” Qezza interrupts, “I’ll pay for him.” 

“Okay… wine… and for the little fella over there…”

“I thought you’d never get to me!” Steve says, holding up the menu, “Let’s see, I’ll go er, I’ll go a stein of ghoul grog. And give me an extra shot of goblin split too.”

“ _Goblin split_.” Durnan repeats, feeling a headache coming on. “Well, I don’t know if that’s on the menu but er, I’ll check.”

“What kind of tavern is this?” Steve snaps in disbelief. He catches Stephanos’ grateful eye and tries to ignore it.

“Okay, alright, we’re the Yawning Portal Tavern, the hottest tavern in Waterdeep!”

“How can it be the hottest tavern if you have no goblin split?” Steve quips, eyes narrowed. 

“I will see what I can do, sir.” Durnan replies, hurriedly, before rushing away from the table. 

A relieved silence falls over the group. Qezza plays with a bracelet on her arm, and Stephanos stares down at the menu as though trying to find Magic Juice somewhere on it. 

“I guess I should probably let y’all know, that, I’m an actor.” Steve says, breaking a silence among the table. “That’s what I do for a trade. I also sing, I’ve got my er- my lute here.” He gently pats the lute on the spare seat beside him. “I even put on this little accent for ya! It probably, fits my size a bit better but I er, I got tired of doing it, to be honest.” He cracks up and laughs at his own non-joke. The other two blink at him. “But yeah, you can er, you can trust me now, you get it!”

“But… how do I know if this isn’t just another act?” Qezza asks.

“It’s not, don’t sweat it!” Steve answers, “I just wanted to see how far I could take that other character, y’know, just a part of the trade, always acting. I could always play a little song for you, if it would ease your mind. I mean I’d have to charge ya, but, y’know!”

“Wait but, but.” Stephanos starts, frowning, “But then what’s your real name?”

“Oh! No, my name _is_ Steve, but I sometimes like to jump from persona to persona! It’s just a thing that I do.”

“Oh! I see, that’s kinda cool.” Stephanos answers, and before he can ask anymore questions, Qezza has a question of her own.

“So can you sing us a song, Steve? I’d love to hear it.”

“Well… you know what, we’re gonna have to go a little bit further on the journey. I don’t really know you, I don’t tend to, y’know, hand out songs willy-nilly.”

“You _just_ offered!” She protests, “You just offered!”

“Yeah, sure but I also said you’d have to earn my trust a little bit- you- I don’t even remember what to call you- er- Tessa?”

“Qezza. Her name is Qezza.” Stephanos chimes in, just before Qezza herself responds with

“I’m going to grab your skull and throw it across the room.”

Steve has the audacity just to laugh. 

“Alright, alright, why don’t I sing a song?” Stephanos asks hopefully, as if attempting to steer the table back to harmony.

“Yeah, no, no offense, or maybe, offense, Stephanos, I’d rather not hear that. Ever. Actually.” Steve only maybe regrets that a little, when he watches the halfling’s face fall.

“Steve, you let Stephanos sing!”

“No, no, whatever, I won’t sing for you, I won’t sing a song, I’m sorry.”

Steve pushes away the little bubble of guilt because that’s just not very _Steve_ of him to feel, and instead says, “Thank god.”

Even if Stephanos had been allowed to sing, he would not have had the chance for at that moment, all of the noise in the tavern is suddenly eclipsed by a shout. 

“ _Ya pig!_ Like killing me mates, does ya?” 

Then a 7ft half orc is hit by a wild swinging punch from a large male human, who’s shaved head is covered with eye-shaped tattoos. Four other humans stand behind him, ready to jump into the fray. The half orc cracks her knuckles, roars, and leaps at the tattooed figure, but before the trio can see if blood is drawn, spectators cluster in front of them around the brawl. 

“I’m gonna go help.” Qezza has already risen to her feet before the boys had even the time to think about stopping her. “You guys stay here, stay out of sight.”

“Wait! No, fate has brought us together now!” Stephanos says, grabbing Qezza’s wrist and standing up with her, “When we leave this tavern, we’ll leave together!”

Qezza smiles, “That’s very sweet, Stephanos but that’s a lot of faith, right now, so why don’t you guys just stay out of sight.” With that she pulls her wrist from Stephanos’ rather loose grip and prises her way into the crowd. 

She can see five humans, ganging up on one half orc, who has the leader of the humans pinned down, and is raining blow upon blow upon him. But the other four humans are ready to pounce on her, eyeing her up- Qezza half expects them to start growling. Then, suddenly, on of the humans catches her spying, and, remembering noticing her at the table with the boys, says,

“Oh, you and your friends want in on the action?”

“My frien-” Qezza turns to see that the boys had _not_ stayed hidden, but Steve is tap dancing on the table (rather misreading the vibe, apparently) and Stephanos is instilling him with encouragement

“You do you Steve!”

Qezza sighs heavily through tight lips, and quickly jumps out the way as one of the humans makes a slashing attack towards her. He trips over his shoe laces and stumbles right past her into the crowd who gasp and scream. 

This catches Stephanos’ attention, however, and he forces his focus form Steve and gets his crossbow ready. He peers around the side of the crowd, one eye closed, focusing on his target. When he releases the arrow it zips through the air and straight into one of the human’s shoulders. 

“Yes! Steve! Did you see me, Steve?!” He looks back at his new friend who gives him a thumbs up and continues tap dancing. 

Stephanos fires again, an even better hit as the arrow lands in one of the human’s throats. A curdling of blood spatters from this new wound and he drops to the floor. One of the other, angry, humans sees this take place and makes a swing with his scimitar towards the halfling, screaming over the death of his friend. He hits Stephanos hard in the shin, and the human merely laughs at the damage. Meanwhile another human swings and misses Qezza who retaliates by taking her sword and swiping the human clean in half. Gasps shudder through the crowd. 

“Steve! You could help us!” Stephanos calls to the man still frantically tapping his heels against the table top. 

“No thanks!” 

Two of the remaining humans make a run for it through the crowds and out of the tavern, leaving behind the deep red pile of humans across the floor. But one human, the one with the tattoos, remains underneath the half orc, both ignoring the carnage around them. Qezza pushes her way between this brawl and pulls the fired up half-orc off of the human. She’s angry and it takes all Qezza’s strength to hold onto her while the human flees after his friends. Only when the doors of the tavern have long since swung shut, does Qezza let go her grip on the half orc.

“What were you _doing_? You just caused a huge-”

“What was _I_ doing? What were _you_ doing?” The half ofc snaps back as the crowds slowly begins to dissipate. “I was trying to clear up the scum of the city, that’s what I was doing!”

“But folks like us have a bad reputation.” Qezza answers, “You can’t just- you can’t just go around starting stuff like this in taverns, you have to control yourself.”

“Starting stuff in taverns? Did you see that guy? He had eyeballs all over his _head_. Does that seem like a guy you wanna know?”

“No but why were you knowing him?” 

“To be fair.” Steve starts, climbing off the table and joining the others amongst the corpses, “I kinda wanna know him, pretty cool tattoos.”

“Steve…” 

“Oh that’s all it takes for you?” The girl spits at Steve, “Some cool tattoos, well I’ll tell you what, that guy? He’s Xanathar scum.”

“That’s a name that doesn’t ring any bells but er- cool er- cool tattoos yeah, I agree.”

The half orc frowns at Steve, then the other two, carefully, like she’s trying to read their entire life stories, “A-are you knew around here? I don’t quite er- do you not understand how things work in this city?”

“Not really I just travel where the gigs go, y’know.” Steve answers, “I will say though, I do enjoy a good dinner and a show.”

“Well it seems you got your show.”

“Indeed, no dinner though.” 

Behind them, Stephanos groans a little as he sits a little slumped on one of the seats at their table, injured leg stretched out in front of him. The half orc has become disinterested, and finishes with the trio after snapping,

“Look, if you don’t know your way around this city, that’s not my problem. Maybe you should spend a little more time here, getting to know how this place works. Meanwhile, I’m going to get a drink at the bar. Thanks for nothing.” 

And she storms off to the far end of the tavern, slipping onto one of the barstools. 

Qezza turns back to Stephanos, where Steve is already inspecting the wound.

“Oh my god, Stephanos are you okay? I told you guys to stay hidden.”

“Yes well, I think I’m okay. I’ll be okay but I could use a mighty fine number of wraps for my leg.”

“Looks like you got a booboo.” Steve stays, sitting back in his chair and smirking teasingly at him. Stephanos looks at him, lips pressed together. Before he can reply, Durnan appears in a fluster back at their table.

“What are you guys _doing_ over here, what happened? That’s vile.” He looks around them at the bloody carnage across the floor. Then he shrugs it off, “Another day in the yawning portal, I guess, just how things go in here.”

“You got a lot of people getting sliced in half in your establishment?” Steve asks.

“Yes as a matter of fact.” Durnan turns and shouts over to the bar, “Can we er- can we get a mop-a mop, thank you!”

“You’re just gonna mop away half a _corpse_?” 

“Guys!” Stephanos interrupts. He’s become terribly pale and sweat beads on his forehead and cheeks, “Do you happen to please have any wraps, somewhere, Durnan, that could help me to function. Or to, y’know, stop me losing blood?”

“We’ve got some things back there, we’ll send them over. Sorry about the interruption, we’ll have your drinks in a minute.” He hurries off towards the bar once more. 

A peculiar, dark silence falls over the table. Stephanos grimaces as he tries to hold his leg up at little higher to ease the blood dripping to the floor. Steve watches and then turns and clears his bag and his lute off of the spare chair beside him, and moves it over to Stephanos’ side of the table, to allow him to rest his leg on it. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t even look at Stephanos after the halfling settles his foot in position. He lets his eyes drift around the tavern instead.

It’s a wide open space. Above them are many floors all bubbling with chatter as though a brawl resulting in two casualties had never even occurred. In the centre of the room, walls surround a forty foot hole in the ground, like a gigantic well. Only here, people are being lowered into it on a pulley system, though no one appears particularly bothered by this. 

“What is that?” Qezza asks, finding where Steve is looking. 

“You know, this does seem to ring a bell, actually.” Steve says, “I read about it. This place sits above the entrance to the Undermountain-a dungeon beneath the city. Some place where adventurers are supposed to descend.” 

“You read?” Qezza asks. Steve just frowns at her.

“That’s er- that’s quite funny, you know because when I left my town, the church, they sent me on a mission.” Stephanos pipes up, momentarily distracted from his injury. “They- they said that I will enter some sort of dark world, with some friends… this might be our destiny!”

Steve pulls a face. Qezza shakes her head,

“I think you guys should stay here.” She says. “Where it’s safer. I’ll go in alone.”

“What? No, I want to help!” Stephanos insists.

“You can’t even walk!” Steve retorts. “But yeah, I’m pretty bored, I’ll come with you Qezza.”

“You could be good comic relief.” Stephanos offers, “You’ve already made me laugh a few times already.”

Steve stifles the smile tugging at his lips and instead says, “Can’t say the same for you but er, spells might be helpful. I can also provide music… soundtracks to kick some ass too!” He pats his Lute which now leans against his chair. 

“Sounds good!” Qezza admits.

“I love it!” Stephanos says, “Love it with all my heart and soul, Steve! Let’s do this team.” 

In fit of excitement they all hurry over to the hole, well, Qezza and Steve hurry while Stephanos limps up behind them. 

“Woahhh, there folks.” Durnan says, generating a habit of appearing at the most annoying moments, in the most sudden way. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“Into the hole.” Steve deadpans. 

“I need to track down those bandits.”

“Yes, I saw you fighting the humans,” He says as he bends down to bandage Stephanos’ legs with some questionable looking wraps from behind the bar, “And you think that makes you ready to go down the hole?”

“Yes.” Qezza says at once.

“And you’re taking the two… little fellas with ya?”

“Yes I am taking the two little fellas with me.”

“I don’t really like the way you’re referring to myself I’m- I’m not a little fella, just a halfling.” Stephanos says.

“Well how tall are you, little boy?” He asks, bending over a little to prove a point. It is not Stephanos and Steve’s fault that this man is as tall as a house. 

“Quite tall for my species, actually. Three foot six.”

“I could fit you in my pocket!”

Suddenly, Durnan finds himself pressed against the wall around the hole, with Qezza glaring up in his face. Durnan gulps.

“I’m sorry.” He says, straightening up at once when Qezza moves back, “But, I’m gonna put this big ass padlock on this here pulley, to make sure that you folks can’t get down there.” He says while he plucks said padlock from his pocket (something mathematically absurd considering the sizes) and locks it against the mechanism. “And this is something I do for you because I care, and that’s the thing, here, in The Yawning Portal. We ca-”

Shouts of alarm suddenly ring out across the tavern as a hulking great creature climbs out of the shaft and into the middle of the tavern. It’s a monster with warty green skin, a tangled nest of wiry black hair, a long carrot shaped nose and bloodshot eyes. As it bares it’s yellow teeth and howls, the trio can see that half a dozen bat-like creatures are attached to its body, three more circling above it like humongous flies. Everyone in the tavern reacts in fear, diving under tables, scampering for the door, but not Durnan. Instead, Durnan shouts at the top of his voice;

“TROLLLLLLLL!”


	2. How To Kill a Troll

TWO

~HOW TO KILL A TROLL~

The troll does not look happy. It rises nine feet tall and the bat like stirges around it's head screech and flap, some falling back into the portal, but three of them remaining, hungry for blood. The trio are frozen, but Durnan, turns to them and says, calmly, almost jovially,

“Well it looks like I might be needing some help here.” He has the audacity to chuckle, “I’m er, gonna run and and grab my great sword. If you could all focus on those nasty little stirges, me and Yagra, I think should maybe grab that troll.” He hurries off to the bar to fetch said sword, and Yagra, the half orc from the fight earlier.

“What the hell is that guy gonna do with a sword?” Steve asks, turning to Qezza and trying to ignore the shudder of the ground as the troll stomps. 

“I don’t know he doesn’t look like he could wield one.”

“I don’t think the old man could even lift it.”

“Guys come on, shut up! Don’t speak negatively of the people who have served you!” Stephanos pipes up. The snap to his usual cheery voice takes the other two surprise, but Steve is quick to recover,

“Durnan let a big ass troll get into the tavern through a huge hole in the ground! _And_ he never bought me my drink!”

“Have you ever served a table before? Tell me!” Stephanos snaps back at him. 

“No, but I’m sure you have! What was it like _Stephanos_?”Steve teases. 

Stephanos is suddenly quiet once again, “Oh. Well. I’ve never actually done so either I just assumed that one of you… may have.” The other two look at him blankly for a beat.

“Then what the hell was the point of bringing that up?!” Steve yells, ducking as a Stirge suddenly flies towards him.

“I don’t know! I don’t know okay!” 

Suddenly Durnan returns, leaping over the bar, running at the troll, ready to give him hell. As he runs he yells at the little group

“Focus on the stirges! I’ll take care of this troll but be ready cause I’m going to drop his ass and when he does, I want you to douse him with that lamp oil and we’re gonna light his ass up!” And with that he lunges at the troll and stabs him in the belly, innards at once starting to spill out. But the troll is still going for it. A few of the people in the tavern re-emerge from under the tables, eased slightly by Durnan’s fighting. They begin to applaud.

“Maybe I underestimated you, old man.” Steve says, and before Durnan can reply, a stirge comes zipping past both of their lines of vision, making for Stephanos. 

The great winged creature lunges for him, Stephanos too stunned to move. 

“Stephanos get out of the way!” Qezza yells, at the same time Steve says;

“Ah Stirge, dude, I feel ya, I’d have done the same.” 

The creature plummets onto Stephanos and sticks his giant needle-like nose into the young halfling’s head. Stephanos screams in pain as the stirge begins to suck the blood from him. His knees begin to give way but the stirge’s tight grip on him doesn’t allow him to fall to the floor.

“God sake.” Steve mutters, taking his rapier and strolling over to Stephanos. He swings at the stirge on his head, slicing it smoothly in two. The two halves of the corpse fall at once in lifeless piles of hair, blood and leathery wings either side of Stephanos’ body just as blood- Stephanos’ own blood- pours back down over his face like a burst water balloon. The half ling stands there with his eyes squeezed shut.

“You’re welcome.” Steve says, unable to hide the smirk on his face. Qezza lightly hits Steve in the arm.

“You good, Stephanos?” She asks gently. Steve frowns. Of _course_ he’s fine.

Stephanos’ wipes his eyes free of his own blood, opens them and says, “You know, when I became a halfling, I thought I was going to be hard to hit, you know, because I’m small, but apparently not. Apparently I’m an easy target for these creatures to attack.” Steve can’t help but laugh slightly,

“Okay, I immediately regret my decision to help you.” He says, before making a sudden swing at the stirge flying towards them. The creature dodges and soars back up into the air. Apparently recovered, Stephanos pulls out his crossbow.

“Hey guys?” He calls, a little loudly for Qezza has moved someway to go after a different stirge. “If I die, promise you’ll carry my head on your journey.” He aims at a stirge that dances around the troll’s head. 

Qezza rolls her eyes, and ducks an attack, “Yes, Stephanos I’ll carry your head.”

“I’ll use it as a basketball.” Steve responds, making a useless and failing swing. 

“I will not let Steve use it as a basketball.”

“Fine, I’ll use it as a Volleyball then.”

“I won’t let Steve use it as a ball at all.” Qezza reassures, successfully killing a stirge which falls to the ground in two pieces with a squeal. 

Stephanos fires his crossbow. It hits the chandelier just above the Stirge, ricochets off of that and proceeds to fall flat on the head of a patron who was otherwise enjoying watching the fight. He casts Stephanos a dirty look. 

“Nice shooting there soldier.” Steve mocks. 

“Look, I do not have a head or a functioning leg right now, Steve, I am trying my best!”

“Well try harder!”

The stirge Stephanos had been aiming for now has him in his sights, and he appears to be getting a little watery at the mouth, looking at all the blood still flowing from the puncture in his head. This time Stephanos manages to fight it off, flailing his crossbow like a shield until it flaps away and finds Steve instead. He catches Steve off guard, and at once latches himself onto the half elf, planting his old straw nose into his head. Qezza swings her great sword at it, but it dodges like a mosquito up in the air... still attached to Steve.

“Oh, thanks Qezza for your excellent marksmanship!” Steve says sarcastically, feeling a little light headed and dizzy as the ground moves away from him. Qezza is getting smaller and smaller and he thinks he can see the troll’s bald patches on his head but his eyelids are heavy and it’s difficult to tell. 

“I tried man!”

The other still-living stirge, having witnessed Qezza’s attack on his friend, goes after the tall half orc. It swoops towards her, but Qezza hurriedly ducks out of the way and the stirge crashes into a little keg on a distant table. It looks a little woozy. 

Yagra turns her attention to the stirge still dragging Steve’s flailing body around the room. With her crossbow she hits the creature perfectly. It screeches, losing momentum, stopping still in the air. Then it falls, launching downwards, still attached to Steve who lands, heavily, on top of Stephanos. The tiny halfling groans, and Steve breathes heavily into his neck. Stephanos rips the stirge from his friend’s head, grimacing at the squelching sound as it leaves the flesh. 

“You okay?” Stephanos asks, breathless, but only because Steve is heavy and pressing against his chest. Physically. It definitely isn’t doing anything to his head, Steve this close. 

“I’ve been better.” Steve grumbles, “But damn, you should see the view from up there. Incredible.” He lifts his wounded head up to smile lazily at Stephanos, then registers how close his face is, “Uh, right sorry.” He slips off of him and onto the floor.

“It’s- okay.” Stephanos says hurriedly, “Now, I have this spell- cure wound- hang on.”

As he hurries over to the table for his book of spells, Durnan, meanwhile, is giving the troll hell. The troll swings at him, but misses, and Durnan retaliates at once with another swing of his great sword, hitting him hard. He laughs loudly. Steve can’t feel his feet for so little blood reaches them, instead it pours out the other end of his body. 

“Okay, I’ll cure you, come here.”

“Cool, and that leaves me to go and get that lamp oil.”

“No no no no no, _here’s_ the plan.” Steve says, pushing Stephanos’ hands away. “Okay, so I have this thing called Bartok inspiration which could basically inspire any creature around me to like, punch above their weight class so to speak. So look, Stephanos, I know we don’t really see eye to eye but I think, deep, deep, deep, _deep dee-”_

“Alright.”

“Deep down inside you,” Steve continues, “There is a heart and maybe even some strength and courage and I believe in _you_ Stephanos, and in the spirit of us being a team, and this being a quest, I want you to climb onto Qezza’s shoulders, jump off her big ass head and stab that troll in the noggin, and _finally_ save us from this hellhole!”

“That is the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard in my life.”

“Do you feel _inspired,_ Stephanos? Do you feel inspired to actually hit something for once?!” 

“Steve… I can’t tell if it’s the lightheadedness from the hole in my head, or the hole in my shin or your- _rousing_ speech, but I think I can do it. I believe!”

“Then go save us!”

Flooded with inspiration and hope, Stephanos climbs on Qezza, onto her shoulders, then carefully onto her head while Qezza grimaces beneath him. And then he leaps, does three somersaults in the air. This is so impressive that the troll is almost swept away by his form. It stands with its mouth wide open, so wide in fact that little Stephanos flies right into the troll’s mouth. The troll barely notices, and continues to swipe at Durnan and Yagra, while chewing on Stephanos like gum. 

In a rushing attempt to save him, Qezza lunges towards the troll and swings her sword. She slices clean through the bone of the troll’s throat. The troll’s giant head falls from its body, right onto the ground. Stephanos rolls out, coughing and covered in troll saliva. Durnan looks somewhere between shocked and disappointed and the whole tavern has fallen silent.

There’s a squeal and a sudden splat as Yagra slices through the final stirge. 

Steve steps around the dead creatures, the stirges, a troll tongue, and makes it to Stephanos. He’s certainly looked better. He holds out a hand and pulls Stephanos up from the ground.

“How was your stay in that Airbnb inside that trolls mouth?”

“My legs don’t _work_.” He complains, leaning against Steve just to stand, pressing his face into the half elf’s shoulder. 

“Then sit down, idiot.” Steve teases, but he moves him carefully, to the nearest chair. 

Yagra approaches them, then. “I’ll tell you what, I know I was a little upset with you earlier for taking my candy away in the form of that fun little fight I was in but, thank you, for allowing me to join you in this battle. You guys have proven yourselves worthy. I’m gonna uh, go back to the bar now, I’ll see you later.” And she leaves as abruptly as she had arrived. 

“You fought well!” Durnan said, taking over from her, “I do hope you’ve enjoyed your time here.” he turns to the staff behind the bar, “Can we add troll meat to the menu? We gotta light this guy up.” He hurriedly beckons his chefs to come over and slice the troll up. 

“So what is this just like, a normal day for you?” Steve asks. He’s sitting in the chair beside Stephanos, his head throbbing and spinning, but Stephanos seems worse, pale. He has bite marks almost everywhere. His whole head is red with his own blood. 

“Hey, that’s just another day here at the Yawning Portal. By the way, drinks are on the house for this one, because, let’s be real, you guys did me a solid back there.” 

Steve perks up, “Oh you know what then, you’re alright! You’re alright.” 

A server brings over some drinks and Steve takes a few large swigs. 

“Okay, right, time to- cure you, Steve.”

“Aw, look at you, Stephanos, saving him before yourself.” Qezza points out, relaxing as all the stirges are finally defeated and there is only the troll left. 

Stephanos flicks through the book of spells without responding, but his cheeks and the tips of his ears have become noticeably pink. Then he lightly touches his hand to Steve’s hair, 

“ _Cure wound_.” He mutters. 

“Thank you, Stephanos.” Steve says quietly, trying not to think too much about Stephanos’ hand on his head (but it did make him feel much better. Because of the spell. Obviously). “You know you actually, fought pretty well despite beefing it there at the end. I guess the somersaults were pretty cool too.”

“It was great.” Qezza agrees, “Very athletic, good job.”

Stephanos heals himself while the others sip their drinks, catch their breaths. As they sit there, they hear a voice as someone makes his way through the crowd. It’s a man’s voice, and as he emerges through the crow they see that he’s a bearded man. Jovial. Lively. 

“Yes, yes! What dazzling spectacles, what ravishing elan! And here I thought this subhuman brute, literally the size of a mountain would make short work of this whole tavern and yet… you be adventurers, am I correct? I could certainly use your help. Lets find a table, shall we.” 

“I mean, we’re already sitting at one.” Steve points out. But as the man goes to sit down he adds, “Wait, wait wait but before we say we’ll help, you’re buying, right?”

“Steve, we just got drinks on the house, we’re good.” Qezza says.

“Oh yeah, yeah you’re right. I want more free drinks though.”

The man laughs and takes a seat, scraping the chair almost on purpose against the stone floor. He strokes his moustache when he has sat down, adjusts his floppy hat and loosens his scarf. 

“Volderthump- Volo- Getarm! Chronicler, wizard and celebrity at your service.” He says, gesturing to himself, “I trust you’ve noticed the violence in our fair city these past ten days.” He pauses to laugh, making the trio glance at each other in mild confusion, “I haven’t seen so much blood since my last visit to Boulder’s Gate! But now… I fear… I have misplaced a friend, amid this benevolence.” Suddenly the man has fallen quite forlorn and Qezza wonders for a moment if he is about to cry. 

“My friend’s name,” he continues, “is Floon Blagmarsh. He’s got more beauty than brains and I worry he took a bad way home a couple of nights ago and was kidnapped or worse. If you agree to track them down, with all due haste, I can offer you ten dragons now, and I can give you each ten times that when you find Floon. May I prevail upon you in my hour of need?”

The three huddle closer together to discuss the request, voices hushed and hurried.

“I mean, that’s a pretty compelling offer, guys, I’ve gotta say I’m interested.”

“It is pretty good,” Steve looks up at the gentleman again, “You’re not holding out on us though, huh? What’s the catch?”

“Do I look like I would hold out on you?” 

“Yeah, that’s… why I asked.” Steve holds his eye challengingly for a moment.

“Wh-what more can you tell us about your friend? What sort of business was he in?” Qezza asks.

“Are you talking about _Floon_?”

“No,” Steve retorts sarcastically, “No, the other guy you weren’t talking about for the past two minutes.”

The man laughs, waggles his finger across the table at the half elf, “I like you!” He says.

Steve just grunts, “Get on with it windbag.”

Volo turns to the table across from them, still laughing and says, “I like him.” This might make sense if it wasn’t for the fact that the table in question was, in fact, empty.

“This guy’s a weirdo.” Steve says.

Volo recovers from his little laughing fit and says, “Well Floon’s a very handsome man. I saw him a couple nights ago, in fact we shared a drink down at the Skeward Dragon, y’know that old tavern down by the docks, you’re from around here, you know the place don’t you?!”

“I don’t.” Steve says.

“No we’re not from around here.” Qezza explains. 

“Nope, not at all.” Stephanos’ echos. 

“Oh, well, like I said, I don’t know where he’s been since then, it’s been a couple days now and I’m just starting to get worried, that’s all. One hundred- One _hundred_ dragons, for each of you, for sure, is what I’ll give you when you return him to me… But he must be alive. That’s the er- that’s the one stipulation, I’d like him back in one piece, if at all possible.”

“What will you give us if we can only bring back his body?” Qezza asks after sipping her drink.

“Well, I’ll give you a lot of guff, I’ll tell you that.” He laughs again, “He’s a friend, like I said! Why would I want him dead?!”

“Can you tell us a bit more about your friend and how he disappeared?” Steve asks, “Like who took him and what-not?”

“Well, a-as I said, I don’t know. All I can tell you is that we were drinking at the Skeward Dragon, I bid him goodnight after a few rounds of gambling, and I haven’t seen him since.”

After a moment, Qezza changes the subject and says, “Did you say you were a celebrity?”

“Well, yes, maybe you’ve read my books!”

“I haven’t.” Steve says immediately.

“Never heard of _Volo’s Guide to Monsters_?” 

“Nope, doesn’t ring any bells.”

“ _You_ wrote that book?!” Stephanos says, his voice suddenly turned up an octave as he sits upright in his chair, “ _That was YOU_?”

“I did write that yes- I _am_ Volo!”

Before Stephanos can express any more excitement, Steve cuts him off, “Let me just say, I don’t trust celebrities, and I _especially_ don’t trust people who refer to _themselves_ as celebrities. So I will say, I don’t trust you Sir. And I don’t know if you’re telling us the whole truth.”

“Good sir,” Stephanos starts, beginning to reason, “I have read quite many of your volumes and uh, followed your life closely, and y’know I’m honoured to be in your presence, uh, you _are_ a celebrity, after all.” He purposely doesn’t notice Steve’s scowl.

“Thank you!” Volo says, “I _am_ a celebrity!” He laughs, waggles his finger at Stephanos, “I like him!”

“But, but, please,” Stephanos continues, “before we go on this quest and, I would say we’re quite probably going on this quest because we do love working together. (We just met but we do get along quite well). Uh, level, with me, though, is there anything you’re not telling us right now? Of course, I do know you to be an honest man.”

“Well.” Volo looks uneasy, “i-if I’m being, _totally_ honest with you all, I may not have… currently… the uh- the appropriate number of dragons to pay you upon your return _but_ I want you to know that I should by the time you get back. I’m writing a follow up book to my hugely successful book- _Volo’s Guide to Monsters,_ it’s called, uh, _Volo’s Guide to Spirits and Spectres_ . So, yeah, I think it’s gonna sell pretty well and I will be able to pay you, after all, I _am_ a celebrity.”

“You mean to tell me that we’re depending on the profits of a sequel of a book I’ve never even _heard of_?!” Steve snaps.

There’s a pause before Volo says, “...Yes, but this thing’s gonna be a hit!” 

The three all glance at each other, and Stephanos sighs, turns to Volo and reasons, “Alrighty, Volo, you know I respect you, and I love your work, but- but just, if you don’t mind, let us chat a bit. So if you could jut… um… give us a moment to discuss it among ourselves…”

“Oh, go! Take _aaaaalllll_ the time you need, take all the time you need.” He rises from his chair, “But keep in mind, my friend _is_ missing, here.” 

“We understand, thank you. Also uh, Volo, just before you go could I er, could I have your signature?” 

“Yes! Absolutely!” Volo says and dives into his pockets, presumably for a pen. 

“Uh, maybe after our pow-wow, yeah? Put that pen down,” Steve knocks the pen from Stephanos’ hand, “ _After_ the pow-wow.” 

“No, it’s done and done.” Volo hands Stephanos a piece of paper, “Here you go, it’s already taken care of, I always keep some in my pocket.”

“Thank you!” Stephanos says, staring at the paper like it’s a golden ticket, “Thank you Volo.”

“No problem, kid.” He stalks off to the neighbouring table and sits with his back to them. 

“Has he gone?” Qezza whispers.

“Yeah, I think he’s out of earshot.” Steve answers.

“Okay, look.” Qezza begins, “I think, right, since he’s a celebrity, if he doesn’t come up with the cash, we just, we hold him for ransom! Someone will pay us!”

“Yeah seems like a good plan, but that might be a problem for our little superfar Stephanos over here who probably has this guy postered all over his walls or something.”

Stephanos himself is staring, still, at the signature like it’s the most wonderful thing he’s ever seen. “When I was young, I did not have much.” He says, speaking to himself as much as the others, “And, as the seventh of thirteen children, the one, vibrant memory deep within my brain is my older brother, Rihanna. And Rhianna, oh he loved to read. And he gave me this one book by Volo, and that book I’ve always treasured. I learnt everything about the world through that book and let me tell you, I think like Volo. And if you believe me, trust me you will trust Volo. So even if he gives us no money I do wanna do this for him, because of how he has impacted my life dearly from day one.”

“Well that was rousing and I appreciate it but I don’t wanna do it for no money.” Qezza says, “He says he will pay us ten dragons each up front-”

“And he will do!” Stephanos cuts in.

“That’s enough to get us started.” She finishes. 

“We could negotiate some more money up front?” Stephanos suggests, “He’s a kind soul and he’ll understand. We may need the money to get there.”

“Maybe some kind of collateral.” Steve pipes up, slotting his fingers together on the table. “I mean, he doesn’t have the money right now but maybe he could give us something else worth something.”

“Alright, alright, good idea Steve. Stephanos, you talk to him.”

“Volo!” Stephanos calls. Volo jumps up and looks over at them, “We’ve er, we’ve come to an agreement, come here.” 

“Of course.” Volo returns to the table, “How are you all?” He asks in an overly sweet voice.

“This guy sucks.”Steve mutters under his breath. 

“Wonderful, we’re wonderful.” Stephanos says, “Thanks again for the signature but we er-”

“Absolutely, absolutely!”

“Yes, we would like to go on the quest because, you know, we like you, and we like money _but_ one-”

“Oh it means the world to me!” 

“One small consideration.” Stephanos continues, “As you don’t have the money right now, why don’t you share a little bit of uh, how did you put it Steve?”

“Collateral.”

“Collateral.” Stephanos repeats. 

“Uhhh, I can give you…” Volo thinks for a moment then dives into his bag, “How about this?” He pulls out a smallish, patterned little jar, “It’s an urn, and it has my father’s ashes in it.” He carefully places it in the centre of the table. The three friends stare at it.

“Okay, and, uh, what would we do with this? What would we do with your father’s ashes?” Qezza asks.

“Not _much_ I hope!”

“And you would be eager to get these back, I suppose?”

“Y-yes.” Volo says, tone one of slight disbelief, “It’s my father!”

“Alright then, we’ll take his father’s ashes and let’s go.”

“Absolutely, and your ten dragons each, of course.” he counts some money out onto the table as they begin to stand. 

“Sweet, I’m glad we made a deal for some old man dust.”

“It was _your_ idea, Steve!” Stephanos reminds him.

“Well how was I to know he’d give us ashes?!” Steve retorts.

Volo finishes counting out his money and hurriedly shakes all of their hands before stepping out from the table and saying to the whole tavern:

“These adventurers are going to find my friend!”

The whole place erupts with cheers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i er, i mean i *think* this is edited? but i did so in a sort of not chronological way bc i was being lazy so,, sorry if there are typos or confusing sentences sjdjdh
> 
> also i know the last episode is out today but i’ll keep updating this (mayhaps every sunday, or more than once a week? depends ig). uni is over for the year now so i can focus mostly on fanfics now lmao, shouldn’t be such a wait for the next chap, love you all!!!


	3. Steve Serenades A Gnome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They meet The City Watch, a purple loving Gnome, and stevanos get,, ahem,, drunk (I wonder what could happen hmmmm)

As the applause finally dies down the three new friends turn to each other.

“Let’s get out of here.” Qezza says.

“Yeah this Tavern sucks.” Steve agrees as he throws his bag over his shoulder, instruments rattling about inside. 

“It  _ does  _ suck.”Qezza affirms. 

“Honestly, I do like this Tavern.” Stephanos says, “Because it’s where I met the both of you and I do love you both very dearly.” 

“It’s also where er- a giant bat creature turned your head into a slurpee if I recall.” Steve points out, 

“Also true, that, that did happen, Stephanos.” Qezza says, “Come on, let’s go.”

They head through the crowds of the still packed tavern, and push their way to the doors. They heave them open and burst out into the city.The sun has already set but this hasn’t put the city to sleep. The streets are packed with people, and the place smells of fine fried foods and dirt. As they walk down the street, strangers are going about their own business, bustling up the roads armed with shopping, parcels- they take no notice of the three newbies in town. 

Turning a corner, they find a street that has been sections off with signs reading  _ City Watch  _ in a blinding light that glimmers in the evening’s darkness. Beyond these signs, lying on the cobblestones are about half a dozen corpses, seemingly the victims of some terrible skirmish. Watch Officers have disarmed and arrested three blood-drenched humans, and are in the midst of questioning witnesses. One of the officers sees them gawping at the scene and says

“Get on! Nothing to see here.” 

They consider leaving, when Stephanos spots a bystander a few feet away looking frightened, shaken and wide-eyed. They go over to her, and she appears at once grateful for the company.

“Did you hear anything from the City Watch over there? I don’t- do you- do you know anything about what just happened?” She asks, voice quiet and light. 

“Why don’t you just -er-” Steve looks to the others for help, no good with such a situation as trying to comfort someone, but the others look blankly back at him, “It’s alright, now, er what did you see, what happened over here, why are you so frightened?”

“I- I don’t know cause it was- it was a scary scene.” The girl says, tightening her hold on her paper bag full of groceries, “I just saw these men- these men er, attacking each other. Swinging- swinging daggers at each other. A-a-as you can see the bodies- the bodies just piled up! So many bodies, so many bodies…” Her voice trails off in a freight whisper and she stares, fixated at said pile of bodies.

“Yeah I figured that there was some sort of skirmish,” Steve says dismissively, “but can you tell us what started it?” 

“No, I-I-I-I was just buying groceries down the street and I just came out here as you can- as you can see I have a lot of carrots- and I just- I just wanted some carrots and I didn’t think I would see this! I know the city’s tearing itself apart at the seams but I never thought I would be witness to something like this. Do you have-”

“Okay, okay, take it easy now, take it easy now.”

“Wait wait wait wait wait, what do you mean the city’s tearing itself apart? Who’s tearing the city apart?”

“These- these two factions… I er- I don’t even know who to trust anymore. It seems like, one day you’re just walking down the street, you see the Xanathar you see the Xenterims, it’s just back and forth, I don’t even know- I don’t even know where they’re coming from or- what they’re fighting about… it’s a disaster out here!” She starts crying into one hand (the other hand still firmly underneath the bag of carrots.)

“Lady, lady- sorry what was your name?” Stephanos asks, gently resting a hand on her shoulder. 

“My name is Takky Briners.”

“Okay… Takky, Takky are you from around here?”

“Yes, I was born and raised here, I’m a Waterdavian!”

“So do you know anyone in either of these gangs?” Qezza asks. 

“Well some of- some of my friends have joined one or two, I’ll tell you that. And I don’t talk to  _ them  _ anymore.” Takky answers. 

“Do you know where we can find them?” 

“They’re around.” Takky says with a slight laugh, “They’re around.” 

“The docks, maybe?” Steve asks, remembering how Volo had said the Skeward Dragon was down that way. 

“I mean, that’s a great place to start, I’ll tell you that. I wouldn’t be walking down there at this time of day, and by this time of day I mean any time of day.” Taky replies.

“Yeah, no carrots down there huh?”

“No carrots down there, and the kind ya would find down there? Well, you sure wouldn’t wanna eat those.” She begins to start crying again.

Qezza rolls her eyes, “Okay, lets leave her, she’s useless.”

“Before we do,” Stephanos says, holding up a hand and making the others pause, “Let me just, pour a blessing on you, Takky.” 

“We don’t have time.” Qezza grumbles.

“You’ve gotta stop pouring blessings on people, it’s weird.” Steve agrees. 

“It is weird.” Qezza confirms.

Stephanos, however, ignores the two of them and gives Takky a blessing, a hand over her head (which requires him to stand slightly on tiptoes). 

“I-if this is too forward let me know,” Takky starts when he’s finished, “But, thank you for the blessing and might I just say, you’ve got a bangin’ bod.”

Stephanos sort of freezes. “I... Takky… I’m…  _ arghhh _ , it was nice meeting you.” Then he hurries past the young woman, past Steve and Qezza and off down the road. 

Steve and Qezza glance at Takky, then at each other, and hurry after him. 

“The hell was that?!”Steve asks him when they catch him up.

“I can’t handle compliments!” Stephanos says, his face is pink. 

“ _ Stop  _ walking,” Steve says, grabbing him by the shoulder, “we’re gonna talk to the City Watch Officer.” 

Stephanos rolls his eyes, “But I’m exhausted!”

“Come onnn, it’s not even 11pm.” 

Stephanos scrowls.

“Just, come on.” Steve drags him back over to join Qezza. “So who’s gonna…”

There’s about a dozen City Watch Guards to choose from. Some keep watch on the three humans on their knees, some are talking to witnesses, others simply guarding the scene. 

“You can do it.” Qezza says, nudging Steve forward.

“What? But I started with the last one.”

“Go.” Qezza nudges him again.

Steve ambles over to the closest guard. She’s tall and there’s a scowl etched on her face.

“Uh, excuse me miss- Miss Officer.” Too late does he catch her name badge- Mina. “Uh, Mina? Excuse me.”

She turns and frowns down at him, “Yes?”

“Uhhh, we’re from out of town and we were just kinda hearing that there was a commotion over here and we wanna know if there’s any trouble we should be worried about, in particular there’s these two gangs we’ve heard about…”

“Uh, this is City Watch business, so why don’t you move it along.”

“Yeah I get that but it actually became my business when I saw dead people in the street right outside the place that I rented so I kinda, uh, would like to know, as a citizen- I just moved into town as I just said-”

“Well it’s pretty, abundantly clear that you’re new in town because this is the way things work: City Watch moves you along, and so I urge you to move along, Sir.”

Steve straightens himself , “Well, I’ll tell you what, you see that girl over there,” He points over to where Qezza stands with Stephanos, “Her name is Qezza. She’s actually one of the most respected law enforcement officers in all the land. And I‘ll tell you  _ what _ , you don’t want her to come over here, not because she could mash you into pulp, which I’ve seen her do to many people, but also because you don’t want that reputation hanging on your shoulders for the rest of your life. So why don’t you do yourself a favour, and just give me the information I need, and we can move on with our day, how does that sound?”

Mina eyes Qezza nervously, and swallows thickly before turning back to Steve, “Your friend Qezza looks… mighty impressive, and I’ll er, I’ll tell you all you need to know.” She says.

“Good, well I’d like to know what happened here, how these three gentlemen started to redecorate this fine lovely ground here, and I wanna know about these two gangs that may have been responsible.” Steve demands. 

“Well, we don’t exactly know how the skirmish started but we know it was between the Xanathar and the Xenterim, and um, seems like it got pretty out of hand. Those three fellas over there are all Xenterin,er, guild members, and as you can see they’re quite covered in blood.”

“Alright and where can I find them, the Xanathar or Xenterim?” Steve asks impatiently.

“Well, that’s precisely the thing that me and the City Watch would love to know! I mean, we’re tryna crack down on these guilds. Xenterim, it seems like they’re probably holed down somewhere by the docks, maybe. Xanathar… I dunno. You know these are, these are seedy folks we’re dealing with, I gotta tell ya. These fellas on their knees, well, they’ll likely be hanged, I can tell you that much.”

There’s a sombre moment as a gust of wind wraps around them. Steve looks back up at Mina,

“And uh, have you ever heard of someone called Floon?” 

Mina looks blankly, “I don’t know no Floon, no.”

Steve nods and begins to leave when Qezza pipes up, “Hey! Before we go… who runs this town?”

“Uh, the Open Lord.”

“The Open Lord?” Qezza echoes as Steve says,

“What?”

“Uh, yeah, Laurel Silverhand. Are you not, do you not know her?”

“Not familiar.” Steve says.

“Yeah well she's been the Open Lord for a bit now, obviously uh, after they got rid of D’Agoult Neverember. I don’t know if you remember him but he was uh, a bit of a real piece of work.” She chuckles slightly.

“People, like her though, the Open Lord? She’s not affiliated with any of this gang nonsense?” Qezza asks. 

“She doesn’t seem to be.” Mina replies, “You know, she keeps herself to herself quite a bit, but, erm, yeah, you know after that last guy, I’m happy with anybody.”

They nod and begin to mumble their goodbyes, when Stephanos, who’d been quiet, watching Steve talk confidently to Mina during the entire conversation, pipes up.

“Excuse me uh-uh- Mina, you uh- uhm.” He looks at her, can feel Qezza but mainly Steve watching him in confusion, “No, nope, I can’t do it.” He turns to leave with the others.

“Wait, were you trying to seduce her?!” Qezza asks him quietly, barely out of Mina’s earshot. “Do it!”

“Yeah, come on Stephanos, you really botched it back there when we told you to kill that troll, but for once put that damn, bangin’ body of yours to some use.”

He looks at Steve, nervous little butterflies dancing in his chest (because he’s nervous about flirting with this obviously attractive lady. Not because of Steve agreeing he was attractive. Definitely not because of that). He exhales and turns around, back to Mina who’s watching them in mild confusion.

“Mina… Mina…” 

It’s just that it feels wrong.  _ Wrong, wrong wrong _ . And he wants to turn and run away. 

“Mina you have quite a- smile, that I really… it lights up my world.” 

Mina hasn’t actually smiled once since through the entire conversation, Steve thinks but keeps it to himself. “That’s what I’m talking about.” He says instead.

“Mmhmm?” Mina responds. She’s softened a little.

“Has anyone ever told you that you really just- your skin is  _ glowing.  _ Anybody ever told you that?”

“No.”

“Yeah, even in the night time, like now, with the moon shining, it’s really…”

“No, no one’s said- no, no one’s said that.” Mina stutters. 

“Alright!” Steve says. He’s had enough. It’s embarrassing and frankly painful to watch. It’s making his heart ache. He pulls Stephanos back and says to Mina, “Sorry about my friend Stephanos, he’s just got a little uh, you know, loose stuff up in his head.” Steve laughs slightly. 

“Yeah, I gotta go uh, try these three guys for murder so, so I’ll see you later.”

“That’s a good move, yeah.” Steve agrees. 

“Yeah, God’s speed with that! Hope they’re all hung!” Qezza calls to her as Mina leaves.

“See ya.” The Watch Officer waves so slightly she may well not have bothered, and turns and heads over to the three men. 

The three friends begin to head along the road, towards the docks. Stephanos hangs back a little, clutching his little bag straps and frowning at the ground. 

“So what the hell was all that back there?” Steve asks, dropping back beside him and letting Qezza stroll on about a metre in front. “You really just don’t know how to flirt with women?” It clicks, to Steve, then. 

It’s not that he’s a mind reader, it’s just that he’s seen this before. Well. Been this before. The avoidance of eye contact and the red, embarrassed,  _ I feel very out of place  _ cheeks. 

“Oh,  _ I  _ see.” Steve says, he nudges him a little but Stephanos moves away and scowls up at him,

“No, Steve I don’t think you do see.” He hurries up to Qezza and leaves Steve hanging back, eyebrows knitted into a confused frown. That quite possibly hurts more than it should. 

They continue walking for some way until they reach the dockward. Tall, densely packed tenements line the streets, leaving most of the neighbourhood at ground level in shadow. Most of the street lamps have had their glass smashed and their candles stolen. The smell of salt air wafts through the smell of lingering excrement as they pass row after row of rundown buildings on one side, the dried out, empty dock yard the other side of the path. 

On the corner of Fillet lane is a shop with a curious window display. It stands out from the rest, because of its deep purple facade and the stuffed Beholder in the window. Above the door hands a sign whose elaborate letters spell out  _ Old Xoblob Shop _ .

“Any of you guys have any idea what  _ this _ is?” Qezza throws her arms around the front of the shop. 

Stephanos wanders closer to the window display and looks closely at the stuffed creature, “I’ve read about this creature. A Beholder. They’re these sort of… flesh blobs with a giant eye, sharp teeth and they have these sort-of, stalks emanating from their blob that also have eyes. I don’t really remember much else though.”

“Well we can see all that for ourselves.” Steve points out, “Thought you were obsessed with some monster book, and yet you can’t tell us more?” 

“It’s a big book! I don’t know it by heart!”

“Okay, look, this place is right opposite the Skeward Dragon. Whoever owns this shop might have seen something.” Qezza says, interrupting the boys’ bickering. “Shall we go in?”

Steve shrugs, “Sure.” He says.

As Qezza pushes open the door, purple smoke trails out of the shop, engulfing them as they step inside. Every wall is painted purple, and every dusty nick nack on the shelves are dyed a deep violet. On the counter, sits a hairless old gnome, sitting cross legged, and wearing plum coloured robes. His cheeks are decorated with nine purple face-painted eyes. The gnome lowers a pipe and exhales a cloud of lavender smoke before raising a hand. 

“Heeeel and well met!”The gnome greets, “Come, browse the shelves of the most curious curiosity shop in the world!”

“Definitely curious.” Stephanos says quietly as his eyes run across the nic nacs on the shelves. 

“What’s with the nine eyes?” Qezza asks the gnome at once.

“They’re eyes!” The gnome replies.

“Yeah we can see that but what do they mean?” Steve says. 

“Oh. Uhhh… I don’t know, I just think that uh- eyes are cool!” The gnome says innocently.

“You mean to tell me that you really have all these tattoos of eyes on your head because they look cool?!” Steve asks.

“I mean look how pretty they are!” The gnome gestures to himself. 

“They don’t look pretty, they look weird as hell! And I’m trying to figure out why the hell anybody would do that. Unless they were being  _ dishonest _ and weren’t telling the truth about why they have said tattoos.” Steve narrows his eyes at the gnome.

“Look obviously your tattoos mean something, you don’t just  _ like eyes _ . Tell me what they are, or I’m gonna wreck your curiosities.” Qezza says, wafting her sword near the shelves.

“No, no, no, no, no!” The gnome startles, holding up his hands, “I genuinely just like eyes I don’t know what to tell you! I’ll tell you whatever you want but I don’t- I don’t know…”

“Let's break it up.” Stephanos says, pushing Steve’s arm down so he lowers his sword, “What was your name?” He asks the gnome.

“Xoblob, I’m Xoblob!” The gnome answers. 

“Xoblob…  _ Oh, Xoblob!  _ You’re the Xoblob of the Xoblob shop!” 

“Yes… this is… the Old Xoblob Shop!” The gnome says, gesturing to the sign over on the door. 

“And what is the thing hanging up in the window over there?” Stephanos asks.

“Oh you mean the Beholder?”

“The Beholder.” Stephanos confirms.

“It’s a wretched creature, you can actually read more about it in  _ Volo’s Guide To Monsters.” _

“Oh for fuck’s sake.” Qezza mumbles.

“That’s right! I seem to have forgotten-” Stephanos frowns as he tries to think back, “ _ Ughhh  _ I’ve buried it deep within my mind, can you please refresh my memory?”

“No, that’s not important,” Qezza says, “Do you know anybody named Floon? Have you ever seen or heard of a man named Floon?”

“Floon?”

“Yes, Floon!” 

“No I think- I don’t think I know any Floons, no. Um, I get a lot of people walking through here though, and I don’t always catch their names.” 

“Uh… okay. Well we’re looking for a so-called extremely handsome, uh, blondish-light brown haired wizard, I think he was?” Qezza describes.

“Yes, somewhat as handsome as me.” Stephanos adds. Steve rolls his eyes.

“Oh you  _ do  _ have quite a bangin’ bod.” Xoblob says, “Now you know what, that does ring a bell, and by ring a bell, I mean I do remember seeing someone like that, yes a very- a very handsome man. I saw him and a- a fellow who looked quite like him, actually, also dressed- uh- alike. They went into the Skeward Dragon.”

“Well we could’ve figured that much.” Qezza says.

“I think I remember them coming out of the Skeward Dragon as well… I only remember because, as they were passing the front of Old Xoblob’s Shop, they got jumped by five men in black leather armour and uh- seemed to be kidnapped.” He laughs. “I was watching from the window, laughing and laughing!”

“And you did nothing?!” Qezza asks, “You just let them get jumped?!”

“Huh? Well yes, I was closed for the night and, you know, I had to dust!” Xoblob explains.

“ _ God _ .” Qezza mutters. 

“Can I ask you a question?” Stephanos asks the gnome suddenly.

“Oh sure!” Xoblob replies.

“Can we- can we purchase the Beholder, please?”

“Oh Jesus.” Qezza mutters, “How are we gonna transport that thing?!”

“The Beholder out front?” The gnome asks. 

“That’s right! How much?” Stephanos asks. 

“Quite a bit, I mean, that’s an antique! I think that’s like 300 gold pieces!” Xoblob tells them.

“Three hundred?!” Stephanos echoes, a little dismayed.

“That’s way too much, we’re gonna take it.” Qezza says, “We’re just gonna take the Beholder, alright?” 

“Well I  _ will  _ call the City Watch!” Xoblob says.

“Have you ever heard of Volo?” Stephanos asks suddenly.

“Volo? The  _ famed _ Volo?” Xoblob asks. 

“The celebrity!” Stephanos confirms. 

“Why yes of course!” 

“Well,” Stephanos starts, “We actually have with us, a very interesting artifact of Volo’s…” He goes to reach into his bag to retrieve the urn. “Would you like to do an exchange?”

“Wait,  _ what _ ?!” Qezza asks at the same time Steve says, 

“Wait a second, that’s collateral, no we can’t do that, no way!”

“Well, you’ve gotta tell me what it is first!” Xoblob says, jovial, excited. 

“I don’t think we can give that away.” Qezza says.

“Why?!” Stephanos demands. 

Steve sighs, “Here’s what’s gonna happen. We’re gonna take the Beholder, and if you don’t give it to us, Qezza over here is gonna you into a suppository.” 

“Steve you can’t just offer up Qezza for every situation!” Stephanos complains. 

“No, no it’s fine I’m down.” Qezza says, but her comment is lost behind Steve’s voice,

“Well you can’t offer up someone’s father’s fucking ashes for a stuffed creature!” Steve retorts, “Don’t you have a street corner to go dance on, Stephanos? Why don’t you go and do that while we handle the business.” 

During their bickering, Xoblob had begun to frantically flail around behind the counter, and when they turn to look at him, he presses a button, and a massive metal gate comes down between them. 

“Now! Now you see, you think I’m working on the docks and I don’t got precautions?!” He says, waggling his pipe around behind the gate. 

“But we can still take that thing and leave? I mean you’re- you’re in a cage now!” Qezza points out.

“Well, yes, I am but, uh, again, I will call the City Watch and they will arrest you and you  _ will  _ be murdered.” Xoblob snaps back. 

“Okay… and what does old Xoblob think about us just being friends?” Steve asks, with a sudden idea.

“Oh now that I’d like!”

“Here’s the thing, I’m a Bard. I can  _ make  _ you be my friend if I want, so that’s what I’m gonna do.” Steve says, smiling. 

“I love friends!” Xoblob says, his voice suddenly chirpy, “Friends are my favourite thing!”

“Alright maybe that was the proper approach.” Qezza mutters, “Steve, why don’t you give us some merriment and win over Xoblob.” 

“You like music, Xoblob?” Steve asks. 

“I like music as long as it’s good!” Xoblob says. 

“Well I’ll tell you something, I travel town to town performing- I’m the best! I’ll play you any song you want. And you know what, we’ll maybe take the Beholder now, but we’ll bring it back. But now I’ll play you a song so you know we’re on the same page.” Steve assures him, getting his lute off his back. 

“Ok, play the song!”

“What would you like me to play you?” He sits down on a small stool against the wall.

“You choose!” Xoblob says, “Play whatever song you feel in your heart.”

Steve swallows, feeling suddenly hot at the mention of feelings. He can feel Stephanos watching him. It takes everything not to look up at him. He clears his throat and begins strumming a little tune. It’s a small audience, which is unusual for him and he’s not used to it. Feels nervous. Not that Xoblob’s peculiar dancing bothers him. Or Qezza, with her arms folded, watching from where she leans against the metal gate. But Stephanos is closest to him. Leaning against the shelves beside him. He tries not to let it drive him crazy, rambles his way through possibly his worst ever song. 

“I like that!” Xoblob says when he finishes on a gentle perfect cadence played down the strings. “That’s a top 40 hit! It’s been so long since I’ve seen you my good friend, how have you been?!” 

“Pretty good.” Steve says, standing up and replacing his lute on his back, “But you know I’d be better if I could have that Beholder, just so I could hold onto it as a sign of our friendship.”

“Oh yeah, sure, you can take that.” Xoblob says with a small and dismissive wave of his hand. He reaches behind the counter and the metal gate slowly draws back up into the ceiling. 

“We’ll be right back with it, I swear.” Steve says as Qezza begins to remove it from the window display. “I hope you have a good day, sorry about all- the whole little misunderstanding before that was just me joking.” Steve says. 

“That’s just friends being friends!” Xoblob agrees. 

“Well, I guess we’ll be on our way then!” Steve says to Xoblob, although he’s looking at Stephanos as he takes the huge Beholder into his arms- it’s about the same size as him and he nearly loses his balance. Steve hides his smile. Stephanos looks like he’s just received an early Christmas present. 

“Oh, yeah, sure thanks for coming by!” Xoblob says. 

“Alright let’s go.” Steve strolls to the door. 

“Yeah we’re gonna leave.” Qezza agrees, following Steve out.

“Love you!” Xoblob calls. 

“Don’t worry Xoblob we’ll be back!” Stephanos says, voice a little muffled in the Beholder’s body as he can barely see over the top of it. “Love you!”

“Come on.” Steve dips back into the shop to grab Stephanos and pull him out by the shoulder. “Oh thank God!” He says when the door closes, “Colours that aren’t a variation of purple!” He basks in the dark shadowiness of the docks, the white walls of the Skeward Dragon opposite.

“Steve, why are you so  _ heartless _ ?!” Stephanos says, “That was your best friend in there!”

“ _ Me _ , heartless?!” Steve repeats, “I’m sorry who was gonna trade  _ ashes _ for what is essentially a giant cuddly toy?! If you don’t shut that trap of yours, Stephanos, I might have to turn  _ you  _ in a suppository.”

Stephanos sticks his tongue out at him over the top of the Beholder.

“Oh, you can’t do that without me, stop threatening.” Qezza says.

“That’s true.”

It’s nearing midnight, now. The stars are heavy in the sky and the air is cold and damp, rising off of the docks. Across the street they can see The Skeward Dragon. They make up their minds to enter, when Stephanos stops them,

“Before we go in.” He says, “Incase we run into more trouble, I just want to say I love you both. And I’m very wounded right now so if I die, I want you to carry on the Coffeebean name, call one of your children Coffeebean, can you do that for me?”

The other two blink at him. It’s difficult to take him seriously when he’s peering over a large, round, stuffed dead creature. 

“Can’t you just heal yourself?” Qezza asks.

“Oh yeah…  _ Oh yeah!” _ Stephanos exclaims. 

Steve rolls his eyes, “Here’s the thing, Stephanos. I’m getting real tired of your whining, your dizziness, asking for bandages and whatnot. So it’s in  _ all  _ our best interests, and I’m saying ‘our’ because we are a unit and you are my friend, it’ll be better if you get healed so we can go on this journey, and you can be healthy and more importantly, I don’t have to hear your whining anymore. So why don’t you do your best to heal yourself?!”

“Wow…” Qezza remarks.

Stephanos has dropped the Beholder to the floor as he listened to the speech. He tells himself that it’s Steve’s Inspiration trick that makes him feel so mesmerised, and nothing more than that.

“Wow. Steve. That is. You’re the kindest soul I have ever met. If I were a Lady… I’d be your lady. Thank you, that’s inspiring.”

For a second, Steve thinks that maybe Stephanos is going to kiss him, he’s staring at him like…  _ that _ . But the moment passes when Stephanos blinks and shakes his head slightly, and heals himself of the wounds in his head and leg.

The Skeward Dragon looks like a ruin. The front facing windows are smashed and a ship’s anchor is lodged in the roof. Through the window, they can see a group of haggard patrons drinking from huge tankards.

“Okay.” Qezza says, taking in a breath, “Let’s go in.”

“Wait guys.” Stephanos says as the two start forward. They sigh at his call and turn back around again, “I’m just…  _ so tired _ .”

“Aww is it past little Stephanos’ bedtime?” Steve teases.

“Ha. Ha.” Stephanos replies, “But don’t you think they look… scarier? At night.” The loud guffaws from within the pub waft outside and catch their ears, and men are scowling out the windows at them.

“But Volo wants Floon found as soon as possible? You want to delay that?” Qezza asks.

“To be fair, we’d be better off investigating after some sleep.” Steve points out, “Not that I’m agreeing, I think we should continue, I’m not even tired-”

“Well, if you guys can find a hotel or an inn around here then be my-”

“The Sleepy Dragon.” Stephanos says, pointing a few buildings down from the bar they stand in front of. “Will that do?” 

“You wanna sleep  _ here _ ?” Steve asks, “On the docks?” 

“What’s the worst that can happen?” Qezza asks, “I can always stay up on guard while you guys sleep.” 

“Sure, that’s… totally what will happen.” Steve says, already planning on getting really, very drunk.

The Sleepy Dragon is about as grisly and uncomfortable as any other place on the docks might be. The beds are somehow hard and too squishy at the same time and there are concerning sounds of smashing glass and angered shouts down the hall from their room. There are also only two beds in the room between the three of them, and Qezza calls dibs on having one bed, since she is essentially twice the height of both of them. 

One upside is the alcohol. Steve had ordered some from room service, and it’s far cheaper than the drinks at the Yawning Portal had been. And by the time it has arrived, Qezza has already drifted to sleep, clearly more exhausted than she’d made out. 

“Just you and me, Stephanos.” Steve says, handing him a bottle. “Cheers.” He knocks his own bottle against Stephanos’ and takes a huge gulp. “God I bet you’re such a lightweight. Oh god, I bet you’re a clingy drunk, aren’t you.”

“I bet  _ you’re  _ a clingy drunk!” Stephanos shoots back.

Steve just grins. “Let’s find out.” he says, taking another gulp.

*

“ _ Shhh! Shhh! _ ” Steve warns in between his own giggles, as Stephanos shouts something outlandish that he doesn’t even remember anymore. “Qezza’s asleep!” 

“Then let’s go somewhere where she can’t hear!” Stephanos replies, leaping up from the grubby hotel room floor and bounding over to the window. Qezza had already opened it when they’d first entered, so Stephanos has no problem wriggling his tiny body out of the gap. 

“Stephanos!” Steve scrambles to his own feet as the halfling’s butt wriggles through the window, “What are you doing you idiot?” 

There’s a thump as Stephanos’ body slips through the window and lands clumsily onto the ground below. 

“Don’t worry Steve!” Stephanos calls, quite possibly disturbing the whole hotel, “I just remembered we’re on the ground floor!”

“ _ Only just  _ remembered?!  _ Jesus Christ _ .” Steve pushes the window all the way up, “Come here you idiot, you can’t just- get back in!”

Stephanos is half sitting up on the concrete outside, leaning on one hand, chugging beer with the other. “Join me Steve!” He says when he finishes the drink and chucks the empty keg he’d been drinking from onto the ground. It’s clatter seems to echo across the whole Dockward. 

“I’m joining you,” Steve says, lifting one leg out the window, “Only to get you back inside.” He drops himself off the ledge smoothly and reaches a hand down to the halfling. 

“I can get up myself!” Stephanos says indignantly, sitting up a little more and pushing his hands against the ground, “I’m just… small so it requires… more strength.” He says, heaving himself up. He wobbles a little when he stands, giggles slightly.

“God, you’re drunk, come on.” Steve presses a hand to Stephanos’ shoulder in an attempt to coax him back to the window. 

“Drunk?!” Stephanos repeats, “You’re drunk!” He stumbles his way back over to the window.

“There you go, yep, back inside.”

Stephanos ignores him, his top half bent down on the other side of the window in the room. He fumbles around the floor with his hands, “Don’t mind me, Qezza.” He says to the half orc, “Just… grabbing,” He grunts, stretching for a bottle some way across the floor, “This.” He reaches it and pulls the bottle and himself from the hole. “Here!” He says triumphantly, holding the bottle of alcohol up.

“What? No, that wasn’t the plan you were supposed to… supposed to…” Steve has kind of forgotten what Stephanos was supposed to do but he knows that the halfling isn’t doing it. 

“Come onnnn. I didn’t think you were boring!” Stephanos teases, walking away from the window to the so-called hotel gardens. 

“Boring?” Steve repeats, turning around to watch him walk away, “I’m not boring.”

“Right.” Stephanos says as he pads down the steps. 

“I’m not boring!” Steve shouts, “Take that back.” He hurries after him, “Stephanos!” He starts to run after the halfling but it makes him a little dizzy and he has to pause every so often, save from falling down the steps. 

The gardens to the hotel are hardly gardens but merely a large field, either side lined by bushes and a small and rather sad looking flower bed. It’s not hard to catch up to Stephanos once he has passed the steps. The halfling is stumbling down the field, pausing every so often to take a swig from the bottle. 

“Take back that I’m boring.” Steve says when he reaches him. Stephanos smiles at him and pushes the bottle against his chest. Steve takes it slowly.

“Look how pretty it is!” Stephanos says, hurrying a little further down the uneven grass.

“It’s a field. Not even a good field.”

“It’s a beautiful field!” Stephanos turns around, “ Come on.” he grabs Steve’s arm and pulls him along.

Steve rolls his eyes, “Fine. Only because I’m not boring.” 

They flounder their way across the grass, clinging to each other, laughing, slipping. It’s not long before Stephanos slips all the way to the ground, pulling Steve with him.

“Idiot!” Steve grumbles into the grass. But beside him, Stephanos is giggling and it’s kind of infectious. He laughs too, “Your hair!”

“What? Is there something in it?” Stephanos asks, suddenly frantic as he runs his fingers through his hair. 

Steve chuckles a little more and bats Stephanos’ hands out the way. “No, no it’s…” He runs his fingers through it, scraping it all back on his head, and he smiles, “Yeah. It’s- it’s like cotton! Ha! That’s what I’m gonna call you from now on, Cotton!”

Stephanos begins a second fit of giggles, laying back into the grass, “What kind of a name is Cotton?!” 

“Well it’s your name now!” Steve answers, grinning down at him. He can’t help but laugh. There’s something in the moonlight, probably. Or the alcohol. Oh yeah, the alcohol. Drunk. Yes. 

Stephanos, between his laughter, abruptly hiccups. 

“See, that’s what happens when you chug a whole ass bottle!” Steve says. 

“I don't-  _ hic _ \- know what you’re talking about.” Stephanos answers, body jolting again. 

“Hold your breath.” Steve tells him, “They’ll go away.”

“You could scare me!”

“Oh Cotton, now how am I supposed to do that now you’re expecting it?!”

Stephanos frowns, hiccups again. Steve rolls his eyes, “Just hold your breath.”

Stephanos inhales loudly, holds the air in puffed out cheeks. Steve leans a little closer, smiling slightly. Then Stephanos hiccups again, and it throws the breath back out of his lips.

“That was shit! You didn’t even make ten seconds!” Steve exclaims.

“It’s not my fault the hiccups got-  _ hic-  _ in the way. I bet I could hold my breath longer than you!”

“With your disadvantage right now? Come on, Cotton.”

“I could!”

“Okay and what happens when I inevitably win?” Steve asks. He’s leaning on his side, propped up on his elbow. Stephanos, for a moment, forgets what competition he is even supposedly winning.

“Mmm.. I get a tattoo of your name on my ass.”

“Weird that you would suggest that for yourself…”

“Not really, since I’m gonna win.” Stephanos replies, flicking his hair with a nod of his head.

“Oh really? And in that case  _ I’d  _ get a tattoo of  _ your _ name?”

“Yep, on your ass.”

“Sounds like a horrible idea.” Steve says, but then, without missing a beat, “Let’s do it.” 

“Yeah?”

“Sure! Only a boring person would say no.” 

Stephanos rolls his eyes, “Okay, three-” He hiccups, “Wait, wait... Three, two, one-”

They both draw in large breaths and hold them. Stephanos puffs out his cheeks but Steve looks as though he’s breathing completely normally, although his jaw is a little tighter and his eyes are glimmering under the starry glow of the night. Wait that might not be because he’s holding his breath. Not alcohol either. His eyes glimmer, anyway, Stephanos can’t help noticing that. And he notices Steve drift closer too. His heart is screaming. Possibly for more oxygen. Possibly another reason. Stephanos blames the breeze in the air for the hairs rising on his arms. 

Suddenly his hand skids in the grass, colliding into something. Fingers, specifically. Steve exhales with a gasp. 

“That’s cheating!” He says, moving his hand to his lap. 

“It was an accident!” Stephanos answers. 

“Made me jump.” Steve grumbles, “That one doesn’t count, I demand a rematch.”

“You’re just a sore loser!” Stephanos replies, “STEVE’S A SORE LOSEERRRR!”

“ _ Shhhhh _ . Are you trying to wake the whole hotel? Look, look, best of three, how’s about that?” 

He’s still so close. Even at a normal distance, Steve’s kind of hard to say no to- his stupid inspiration thing. 

“Okay.” Stephanos says, swallowing once but trying to hide it. 

“Alright, three, two, one-”

They both hold their breaths again. Steve can’t stop thinking about the way it felt when their hands touched. It’s far more of a disadvantage than the hiccups. He watches Stephanos blink and then he finds it’s all he can think about. Turns out that when he’s drunk now, he has only one thought, loud and dizzy, flying around and around and around-  _ Stephanos, Stephanos, Stephanos _ . 

He exhales, letting go his breath, not forgetting about the bet, but simply not caring anymore. He leans over to Stephanos who’s also dropped his breath, and is about to make confused exclamations, when Steve takes his face into his hands and kisses him. 

Stephanos pulls him closer, all but  _ melts  _ into the kiss. Steve’s mouth is warm and heavy and nothing else exists except him. Except them. He moves his leg over Steve’s, because it’s  _ closer closer closer _ . They couldn’t breathe anymore anyway, even if they wanted. And Steve’s mind tears itself in two. 

_ Stephanos?  _ You’re kissing  _ Stephanos _ ?! The little nerd who’s obsessed with some dumb monster book and drinks ‘magic juice’?  _ Really _ ? But it’s also just one kiss. One hook up? People kiss people once, have one night stands, when they’re drunk all the time. And they’ll both probably forget in the morning. It’s not like it has to mean anything. Stephanos just happens to be here, and is kissing him back like it's the only thing he’s ever wanted to do. Like it’s the only thing he  _ can _ do. 

Steve rips himself away, panting, suddenly feeling very sober. Stephanos is straddling him, nose still brushing against Steve’s skin. They catch their breaths for a few moments. It’s about the only moment of silence either has experienced in Waterdeep. Not even the moon whispers. Stephanos searches Steve’s face slowly, carefully, like Steve’s a book and he’s trying to read every word. Then he smiles,

“You realise, this still means you lost?” He says.

Steve frowns, “What?” His head throbs. Vaguely, he recalls they had a bet. He groans and lays back onto the grass. Stephanos laughs and slips off of his body, finding the bottle that’s been abandoned in the grass. He glugs the last few sips as Steve says, “I hate you.” 

Stephanos smiles and tosses the bottle back onto the ground, “Course you do.” he wipes his mouth and stands up, holding out a hand to Steve, “We’ve run out of whatever uh- that, was.” He gestures vaguely to the bottle in the grass once Steve’s just about on his feet.

“Well then we best go back to the room and get some more.” Steve says. 

They saunter back up the field, heavily leaning on one another, falling, giggling, stumbling over the bumps and dips in the ground. Stephanos almost slips again but Steve catches him.

“Oh, Steve! My Saviour!” Stephanos exclaims too loudly. 

Steve smiles a little, “Okay, Cotton.” 

They reach the hotel and spend a while walking up and down, loudly, trying to find the correct room until they discover that there is only one with an open window. They fall inside the room, crashing into a few of the bottles of leftover cider, beer, ale. Steve’s beginning to think he ordered a bit too much, and to prove the point, Stephanos trips on one, sending the bottle rolling across the room, and his body flopping inelegantly onto the bed.

“You clumsy idiot.” Steve mutters, only to trip over the Beholder they’d sat against the wall by the bed. It sends him stumbling halfway across the room. Annoyed, he scrambles onto the bed beside Stephanos who has resigned to make himself comfy, burying his face into the pillow. It’s absolutely not adorable to Steve at all. 

“Steeeeve?” Stephanos says softly. 

“Mmh?” Steve grunts. His eyes are closed, he thinks he might throw up if he opens them, the room’s spinning enough as it is. 

“You’re quite a good kisser.” 

Steve lets himself smile against the otherside of the pillow, “Not so bad yourself, Cotton.” He replies. He’s about to fall asleep when Stephanos suddenly gasps loudly, “ _ Ughhh,  _ what now?”

“My hiccups have gone!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed this!! only one of them is gonna remember that kiss, feel free to place bets on who. tysm for all the feedback so far, ily all so much! I think my weekly process of writing these chapters works well for me, so next update will probably be next sunday :)


	4. A Bard Battle (And a Half Forgotten Night)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group finally enter The Skewered Dragon, some musical shenanigans take place, and then they make their way to a Warehouse

Steve’s head throbs, as his body slowly wakes up. It is not birdsong that awakens him but possibly a terrible screaming rock band somewhere down the hall of the hotel. And it isn’t a cool morning breeze drifting through the window that helps him to stir, but warm hot breath in front of his face. He opens his eyes.

Stephanos had been watching him, and he smiles when the half elf awakens, “Hi Steve.” He says, softly.  _ So softly _ . All at once Steve remembers last night and his insides knot and muddle and swirl and flutter. He closes his eyes again. 

“Morning, Stephanos.” He mumbles into his pillow. 

“Rough night?” A shadow falls over the bed and Qezza stands over the two boys. Steve groans. 

“Hi Qezza!” Stephanos greets, “And it must have been rough because I cannot remember a thing.” 

Steve finds himself exhaling against the pillow in relief. Suddenly he doesn’t feel half as hung over. “ _ Really _ ?” 

“You remember?” Stephanos asks.

“Uh.” Steve starts then stops, “Little flashes.” He answers vaguely. Thankfully, Stephanos seems to buy this.

“Okay, well, we need to head to the Skeward Dragon as soon as possible so, come on, heal your hangovers and let’s get going.” Qezza strolls back over to her own bed, hoists her bag onto the bed. 

Stephanos scrambles up, mutters his curing spell. “Do you want me to cure you, Steve?”

“Nah I’ll be fine.” Steve tells him, sitting up on the bed as though to prove a point, “I can usually just get over them.” This isn’t entirely a lie, but it’s also not entirely true, his head may throb for some hours yet. But the thought of Stephanos getting close to him, putting his hand on his forehead, faces close while he casts the spell- he really doesn’t think he could handle it. 

So he forces himself up and begins to pack his bag and gather the empty bottles that scatter the floor. The Beholder still sits against the wall. It watches them tidy up, Steve wonders if it knows about last night, it kind of has these all-knowing looking eyes and it’s quite possible the thing can mind read.

“Hey Steve what uh- do you remember anything that happened last night?” Sephanos asks, when Qezza has gone into the bathroom and he’s finished clearing away the bottles. He stands on the opposite side of the bed, watching Steve freeze midway through rearranging the instruments in his bag.

“Uh.” He takes his little panpipes from the floor beneath the window (did he play them for Stephanos last night? It feels blurry), and says, “You fell out the window, I remember that much.”

“You fell out the window?!” Comes Qezza’s voice from the otherside of the bathroom wall.

“I didn’t fall!” Stephanos insists, “I left on purpose, I remember that. Steve said we were gonna wake you up so I thought we’d leave you in peace!”

“He’s a very loud drunk, Qezza. Insufferable.” And  _ insufferably, ridiculously, unfairly  _ cute. 

“I can’t believe you guys got drunk without me.” Qezza says as she emerges from the bathroom, tying her hair back as she does so,

“We didn’t want to wake you, you seemed exhausted.” Steve replies.

“Ironic, considering  _ you two  _ were the tired ones.” Qezza answers. She’s trying to check herself in the mirror on the wall, but it’s grotty and there’s a huge crack slightly to the right of the middle. “But it’s fine, I get it, you guys need your alone time.”

“The hell is that supposed to mean?” Steve snaps, shutting his bag over-violently. 

“Nothing! I was joking, Steve, chill.”

“So… nothing important happened?” Stephanos asks. His fingers lightly brush over the bedsheets, Steve tries not to watch them dance up and down the fabric. 

“I don’t think so.” He lies smoothly, “Oh, you got hiccups, I guess that was pretty important.”

Stephanos frowns at the duvet, “I just… I woke up with this feeling that uh- that something really big happened last night but er, but maybe I’m wrong.”

“Well they sure were some big hiccups.” Steve assures him, throwing his bag over his shoulder. 

“I guess they were.” Stephanos agrees.

*

The Skeward Dragon looks just as fierce in the late morning daylight, as it did the night before.

“Do you think they’ve even been home since we last got here?” Steve asks as they hesitate out the front, looking in the windows but trying not to stare through them- the patrons are all glaring back. 

“Possibly not.” Qezza says, “But come on, let’s go in.” 

They push open the door. It creaks. Everyone turns and stares at them, and they do not look happy. The place is certainly no Yawning Portal; as watering holes go, this is more of a slurping pit. There are only a handful of patrons inside, but then it is before midday. They all appear annoyed by their entrance, but quickly return to their own affairs. A very hairy man behind the bar gives them an unwelcoming nod. 

There’s not a lot of people. They’re chatting in tight little groups, gathered around tables. There appears to be a Bard, tuning his little lute up on a small makeshift stage over in the far side of the room. The little crowd in front of this stage consists of only about three or four people, and most are keeping to themselves, avoiding eye contact with the trio. 

“Wonder how good that Bard is.” Steve says as they sit at an empty table. By empty, there are no patrons inhabiting it, but there are three empty tankards on the table, all carelessly abandoned on their sides. 

“Probably better than you.” Qezza teases. 

“I doubt it.” Steve says, taking the comment completely seriously, “This guy looks like a hack.”

The guy in question has a beautiful, well looked after lute, and some long flowing robes that drape across half the stage. His hair is almost princely. 

“It’s okay Steve, you have quite the skills. I mean, I heard you sing yesterday and you were pretty good, you know, you were pretty good!”

“Don’t patronise me Stephanos.” Steve says, almost boredly. 

“I’m for  _ real _ !” Stephanos answers, “Really, you, you made my insides… tingle.” 

There’s a beat of silence, the whole building seems to freeze for a second. Steve’s blushing, Qezza stares, wide eyed at the table and thinks that if there was a hole in the middle of  _ this  _ tavern, she’d want to jump in it. 

“W-what are you talking about Stephanos?” Steve manages to ask. His insides feel funny though. Last night rushes back into his mind like a wave and it’s hard to force it away. 

“Alrighty, let’s get some drinks, shall we?” Stephanos says, he turns around and plucks a couple of menus from the neighbouring empty table. They’re sticky. He drops them onto the table with a grimace.

“Yeah let’s get some drinks.” Qezza agrees, picking up one of the menus.

“Despite that last statement sure, let’s get some drinks.” Steve says with a sigh, picking up the menu that Qezza hadn’t grabbed, swiping it just before Stephanos, who gives him a somehow gentle glare. 

The bartender, however, doesn’t seem particularly intent on serving them.

“Right we need to get some information.” Qezza says. “Steve do you want to talk to that Bard?”

“Here’s the thing, we need to get that Bartender’s attention because I’m not sitting in a bar, without a drink, so I’m gonna, I’m gonna show them who runs this place: Steve.” 

“You’re not gonna-”

Steve lifts his crossbow and aims it at a drink in the bartender’s hand. He closes one eye and prepares to shoot.

“Oh, woah, woah, what do you think you’re doing?!” The Bartender demands, catching sight of him. 

Steve ignores him. He continues raising his crossbow, only someone from behind him suddenly grabs it out his hands. 

“Hey! There’s a performance about to start, how about you keep it down, you little rat!” One of the patrons snaps before throwing the crossbow across the bar, over to the bartender who catches it swiftly and says,

“If you pull any stuff like that again, I’m gonna have you outta here. Why don’t you pipe down right now while we listen to our wonderful show, and if you behave well enough, I’ll give it back when all is said and done.” The bartender tells them.

With that, the lights in the building begin to lower and the people around them begin hushing the trio, hissing at them to be quiet because  _ The CandyMan is about to go on! _

“The CandyMan?” Steve echoes. He’s had enough of this Bard already. 

On the stage, the Bard steps out from the side of the curtain in his same beautiful robes and eccentric hair.

“Brother, this guy really is a hack.” Steve mutters. Someone in front of him turns around and hisses for him to  _ shhh _ . 

“Hello everyone!” The Bard announces, “It is me! Candamere Wispen, the finest Bard in all of Waterdeep, here to play my sounds for you.”

Steve mutters to himself, something about Candamere not being the finest Bard in Waterdeep now he’s in town, but it’s drowned out by the little cheering crowd and the Bard’s lute, as he begins to play. Candamere doesn’t use lyrics, in his little songs, in fact it is more like vocal jazz. He starts scatting, and the crowd is somehow loving it.

“Jesus Christ make it stop!” Steve begs, head in his hands. 

“Wow! He’s so good! He’s just about the best musician-” Qezza says.

“Unbelievable!” Steve mutters.

“-I’ve ever heard, I can’t believe - I’ve never heard something so  _ good _ .”

“Here’s the thing Qez.” Steve says, “I know you’re trying to get a rise out of me because there’s no way you could enjoy this er- er- audio diarrhea that’s coming out of this man’s mouth.”

“Well, why don’t you get up there Steve?” Qezza suggests. 

“You want me to get up there, on stage, and embarrass this man?” Steve asks. It’s not that he’s  _ against  _ it, but he’s surprised the others would endorse it, especially Stephanos but he joins in with Qezza and chants his name.

“Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve!”

“Well now you’re interrupting the performance.” Steve says, but he stands from the chair, “But alright, if you want me to get up there and show this man how it’s done…”

“Yeah!” Qezza pushes him along from the table. “Get your lute out! Get up on stage!”

“Do it!” Stephanos yells, “You do you!”

Steve wades his way through the little, slightly angry crowd and makes it over to the stage.

“Okay, okay, okay, alright.” he nudges the Bard out of centre stage, “Uh, hello, my name is Steve and uh, I uh, I thought I’d save all of your ears! So uh, I mean the lute might be a little out of tune and I don’t always sing in time, my coordination isn’t always uh-”

“Oh my god, just sing!” Qezza yells from the back. 

“Yeah go Steve!” Stephanos adds. 

Steve smiles at this, and quickly checks the tuning of his lute. It doesn’t sound too bad so he clears his throat and begins to sing. The audience, who were at first angry and restless, fall silent as they listen. Steve’s songs are gentle, slower and softer than one might assume. The crowd slowly begin to sway to the rhythm. And behind it all, Steve can feel Stephanos watching him. Perhaps he’s imagining it, but it makes the hairs on his arms stand up on end, and he feels tense and  _ seen _ . Almost exposed. Sooner or later, he’s sure Stephanos is going to remember the kiss. He’s not sure what he’s going to do. 

Is the bartender crying?

When Steve has finished his song, everyone cheers, and some begin to shout for an encore. Even Candamere, at the side of the stage, sheds a tear and steps forward to say;

“It reminds me of my dead sister! You, sir, you are certainly a poet. Well, after a performance like that, I don’t think I should follow it up! In fact, I’m gonna go into the crowd here, and you can continue, if that’s okay?!”

“Alright, sure.” Steve says, turning to the crowd. Stephanos is standing on the table so he can see above the rest of the crowd. Steve meets his eyes, he hates the way it feels in his chest; fluttery, like his insides are dancing. “Alright, let’s liven things up a little with this one!”

Steve’s gig lasts for hours. Patrons come and go, with Qezza and Stephanos subtly trying to interview them about Floon with little luck. Well, Qezza interviews. Stephanos becomes easily distracted by Steve’s performances and ends up down the front of the stage, chin resting in his hands, staring up at the half elf bard with wide eyes.

It’s getting dark outside when Steve finally slips down from the stage. He’s given some free food and drink on the house and he wolfs through it gladly and hurriedly. 

“You’re amazing Steve!” Stephanos tells him for possibly the thousandth time, as they sit back at their table, “Do you think, do you think you could teach me to play?”

“Well we’ll see, Cotton, aren’t we meant to be in the middle of some quest or other?” 

“Cotton?” Stephanos echoes.

Steve freezes, halting chewing his mouthful of food. He swallows slowly, “Uh. Yeah. Your hair looks like Cotton. What? Would you prefer I call you idiot, because I’d happily do that!”

“No, no, Cotton’s- Cotton’s fine.” Stephanos says, “It’s nice.”

Qezza looks between the two of them carefully. She feels like she’s missing something. “Well anyway,” She says, changing the subject briskly, “We, well  _ I _ , interviewed almost everyone, and while most people know of Floon, they claim they’ve not seen him in days.”

“Brilliant, so it’s a dead end.” Steve says, chugging a few mouthfuls of beer and wiping his mouth on his sleeve.

“Well there’s still the people over there, by the door. I’ve not tried them yet. And of course the bartender.” 

Steve turns around to look at them. There’s a bulky sort of gnomish looking woman in the corner talking to a very skinny man with no teeth. “Can I finish my dinner first?”

Qezza rolls her eyes, “Sure, it’s not like we’re in a hurry or anything.”

It doesn’t take too long for Steve to finish his food- he’s like a gannet. So soon enough, they’re wandering over to the woman in the corner. She sees them approaching, and greets them first. 

“Hello, I’m Gilma uh- uh how are you all?”

It’s Stephanos that replies, “Oh, we’re doing well, we’ve just stumbled upon this  _ lovely _ bar that we’ve entered. Can you uh, can you tell us, uh, a bit more about this place. It is a hotspot here at the docks and uh, do you see a lot of- of crime, happen, here in The Skewered Dragon?”

“Ha, it’s the Dockward, dummy, of course there’s crime out here.” Gilma responds with a laugh.

“Right… right, and have you ever heard of uh, a character named Floon?” Stephanos asks. 

Gilma’s expression turns a little sour, “It’s not in anybody’s best interest to be divulging information about whatcha seen out here in the Dockwards, so I’m gonna need a little more  _ persuasion  _ if you want some details out of me.” 

Stephanos swallows thickly. It’s the way she said persuasion, the way she looked him up and down. Before he can say or do anything, however, Steve steps in front of him. 

“Hi.” He says to Gilma, “I’m Steve, you might remember me, for the little show I put on back there-” He wafts his arm vaguely over towards the stage, “And you know, you, you seem like an  _ incredible  _ woman, and you know, what would be even more incredible? You know, what the most influential people of our time, do? They talk. So you know how you could become powerful, you ever wanted to be an influencer? There’s an easy way to start- by  _ talking _ . Don’t you just feel so  _ inspired _ to talk?”

Gilma looks blank for a second. And Steve wonders, for a moment, if his Inspiration didn’t work for some reason, but then she seems to come to, 

“O-of  _ course _ . Wow, Steve, did you say? You have- you have such a way with words, anyone ever tell you that? Absolutely beautiful. Now, I’ll tell you anything you want to know, I’m happy to divulge.”

Steve smiles, glances over at Stephanos who nods in thanks. “All yours, dude.”

Stephanos clears his throat, “Do you know Floon?” He asks, well, more demands.

“Well, yes, I’ve seen that guy around. He was here a few days ago, actually. He was with, oh that celebrity guy, what’s his name?” She clicks her fingers as though it will help her remember.

“Volo!” Stephanos chimes in.

“Yeah, Volo, that’s the one!” Gilma answers, “They were gambling together, then uhhh, well then Volo had to leave. But Floon stayed behind and he… who was it that-  _ oh  _ Renaer Neverember, you know that guy?!”

“No.” Steve says at once.

“Yeah, well Renaer Neverember showed up and the two of them had some er, had some rounds of gamblin’-”

Someone on a nearby table over hears the name ‘Renaer Neverember’ and leans over to their conversation to say, “A chip off the old block, that one! A pox upon his family.” And he spits.

Someone else adds, “Just another rich and spoilt noble who likes to rub our noses in it!” 

Ignoring them, Qezza asks, “What does Renaer look like?”

“Renaer?” Gilma repeats, “Oh he actually looks quite a bit like Floon. They look like they could be brothers, honestly. Hard to miss ‘em. He’s a rich, rich man, takes after his father.” Gilma laughs.

“Tell me something, ma’am,” Steve starts, he’s sat down at the table beside them, “Does this Floon guy- is he actually as handsome as they say he is? I’m just kinda curious.”

“I’d say he’s pretty handsome.” Gilma says, “Actually, yeah, I’d say they were both pretty handsome, I mean, as I said they look pretty similar. But yeah, yeah, yeah as I said they did some rounds of gambling, then they left and I saw, then I saw these five burly fellas, t-they were wearing leather armour, and they followed him out into the streets. And that’s the last I saw of them.”

“Okay…” Qezza says, “And as far as you’re aware, is Floon associated with either the Zhentarims or the Xanathars?”

“Oh, I don’t know about that but er, it wouldn’t surprise me.” Gilma replies.

“What do you mean, wouldn’t surprise you?”

“Well, everyone’s picking sides these days. I’m tryna stay neutral. Us down here at the Dockwards, we got work to do.”

Qezza nods. “Of course, of course, what about this, Renaer, is he associated with either of the gangs?”

“Well, I don’t know, his father was a-as I’m sure you know, the previous Open Lord-”

“Dagoult!” Stephanos says.

“Yes, Dagoult Neverember! But I don’t know, I haven’t seen any of them since he got ousted, really, and I’ve not seen Renaer since the other night when those burly fellows followed him out. I feel like I’ve seen those five burly fellas before, though. I see them down at that, uh, down at that warehouse down the street.”

“Any of these burly fellas have funny tattoos on their faces?” Steve asks, “Like eyes, for instance?”

“One of them had uh, what looked to be a snake with wings, I think?” Gilma answers.

“You mean like a dragon?”

“Uh, well, maybe a little bit, I guess, it looked pretty shoddy but yeah, I saw, y’know- it’s actually pretty funny because the warehouse that they hang out at, has uh, on the door, there's a snake with wings! I guess- I guess that’s the same thing. It never occurred to me until now but yeah, weird to get a tattoo of the thing that’s also on the door of the place where you hang out.” Gilma laughs slightly when she finishes her ramble.

“Alright, well, thank you, Gilma, very much for you help.” Qezza says, “Stephanos, why don’t you, bless her, and then we can be on our way.”

“Right, right, right.” Stephanos says, “This is something I do to everyone that I come across, especially in this part of town. So I bless you, I bless you and also you, with no teeth. I bless you too, and hope you get uh, some teeth!” He adds, looking over Gilma’s shoulder to the man pressed against the wall. 

“Okay, so we know our next destination, but I guess it’s worth uh, talking to the Bartender, at least to get your crossbow back, Steve.” Qezza says.

“ _ Or  _ I could shove a sword up his butthole. That could be something that would be interesting to me too, but yeah, I guess we could talk to him, and then the butthole thing second, it doesn’t really matter to me.” Steve rambles with a light shrug at the end. 

“Bartender! Bartender!” Stephanos yells, bounding over almost like a puppy to its owner. The bartender eyes him cautiously. “Could we have the crossbow back for my friend Steve over here?”

“You want crossbow back from Slingjohn, huh?” The Bartender asks.

“Slingjohn?” Steve repeats. God, he can’t wait to leave this place. 

“Yeahhh, I didn’t like the way you were pointing it around earlier, but I will say I liked your songs. One of them, the first one, it made me think of my son.” Slingjohn tells him. 

“That’s- I apologise, and I will say, at first I thought you knew as many syllables as you had brain cells, but I will say, now I can see that you’re actually a well intentioned dude, and I apologise. I’m glad you liked my songs, I’d appreciate it if you’d give me my crossbow back. How about we er- we got off on the wrong foot, how’s about that?”

Slingjohn glares through big bushy eyebrows for a moment, but then brightens, “Slingjohn heart very happy. He give you crossbow.” And he reaches under the bar and produces Steve’s crossbow, hands it over.

“Thank you.” Steve says, taking it gratefully.

“Okay, alright, we should get going to that warehouse, right? Let us proceed to the warehouse.”

“Let us proceed!” Stephanos echoes. 

They bid their goodbyes and head out the bar. It’s already getting dark outside, Steve’s performance clearly longer than they’d imagined. The sun is spewing a gold stream over the edge of the horizon, about to disappear at any moment. They head down the street to candle lane. Gloom envelopes an alley as dark as a dungeon and as odorous as one too. Nearly all the streetlamps have been smashed, the only light that pierces the darkness is a faint flickering down the lane, like a distant candle. One streetlamp is lit, when they reach the end of the lane, and in it’s glow, they can see, off to the side, what appears to be a warehouse, with a painted snake with wings on the entry gate. It’s at the back of a yard, lined by a tall wire fence.

Qezza, who can see well in the dark, spies a gate, not too heavily padlocked, and the trio edge towards it. To be on the safe side, Qezza unsheathes her sword, leading the group with slight apprehension. The warehouse itself, when they slip through the gate, is two stories high, wooden, and fairly dilapidated. It’s built in sort of an L-shape, a doorway on either end of the L. One of the doorways is a large cargo door, with a window on the wall perpendicular to it.

Stephanos treads over to this window, wipes the glass with his sleeve and peers inside. 

“I can’t see anything but blackness.” He tells the others.

“Yeah that’s because they’re painted on the inside, idiot.” Steve points out. 

“Right, yeah.” Stephanos says, flushing a little. He reaches, then, under his cape, and pulls a dagger from his belt. Before Qezza and Steve even know what’s happening, let alone before they can stop him, the halfling smashes the glass window.

It pierces the silence and glass shatters into the warehouse and down at their feet. From inside the building they hear some faint scuffling and some hushed whispers. Then all falls quiet again. They all hold their breath for a moment, and when they’re satisfied that no one seems to be around, Stephanos reaches his arm through the window, as though to reach through to the door latch. However, Steve beats him to it, opening the door from the outside after finding it was merely wedged. 

“Hey Stephanos how you doing?” He greets the halfling from the otherside of the window. Stephanos frowns at him, and reluctantly follows after Qezza inside. 

The tables and chairs in the room have been carelessly tossed across the floor, and in the corner, the corpses of a dozen men lie across the walls, their rapiers and daggers lying nearby. On the farthest side of the building, the stairs rise up to an open level up above. The floor’s grotty and the air is cold. 

“I love what they’ve done to the place.” Steve says sarcastically, kicking a chair across the floor, “This looks uh, really comforting and inviting, especially all the corpses nailed to the wall. Let’s go upstairs.”

Before they make it to the stairs, they hear what sounds horrifyingly like a bird’s caw and two large feathered crow-like humanoids jump out in front of them. Steve lets out a high pitched yelp and he hopes nobody noticed. An additional two leap out behind them.

One of them immediately swings its sword at Qezza, catching her off guard and hitting her. Then he jumps back behind a crate. Another swings for Steve, but misses and stumbles passed him. Watching all this, Stephanos comes up with an idea and summons his Sacred Flame. He pulls it from his pocket, a blaze of fire glaring across the room. He blows it in the direction of the two that attacked his friends. It rolls across the room, engulfing the two birds for a moment, and they’re a glowing orange. Then the flame passes. The two birds- Kenku, if Stephanos recalls correctly from  _ Volo’s Guide to Monsters-  _ look dazed, miffed. They ruffle their now singed feathers, still smoking at the tips. 

“Holy shit, dude!” Steve says. The room feels suddenly a lot warmer. Because of the flame, not how close Stephanos is, or his gentle, shy smile in response to Steve’s compliment. “You know, not to piggyback off you, Stephanos, but uh...” 

Steve casts a thunderwave on the same two creatures. The crash of it reverberates around the warehouse, and sends one of the two birds, ironically(?), flying across the room. It hits the wall with a crack and dark feathers explode out of him like a black cloud, or a burst pillow during a sleepover’s fight. He slumps to the ground, quite lifeless. 

“Bye, bye Birdie.” Steve says with a slight smirk. 

The Kenku that the thunderwave failed to hit, aims it’s crossbow in its bony, black-nailed, pink hands at Qezza. It misses her by miles, the arrow sailing passed her head and landing in the far wall. Swiftly, Qezza turns and decapitates the creature. It’s head squelches as it hits the floor. 

The remaining two creatures, seeing their buddies lifeless, start to freak out, and begin to run towards the door. Before they can escape, Steve shoots his crossbow over to the cargo door, and the arrow wedges itself perfectly into the bolt lock. The two terrified birds turn to look at the trio. They’re cowering, shuddering. Smirking, Steve steps forward. 

“How’s it going my feathered pals?” He greets

With a slightly high voice, the Kenku says,“How’s it going, my fathered pals?”

“Oh you think that’s funny?” Steve snaps, “Mimicking me? You think that’s funny, you think you’re a funny guy?” 

“You think that’s funny, you think you’re a funny guy?!” The Kenku echoes. 

“Let me have you repeat this. If you repeat what I say again, I’m gonna have Qezza here cut your head off.” Steve’s voice is harsh, his bite sharp and more serious than Stephanos has really heard it before.

“...I’m gonna have Qezza here cut your head off.” And the Kenku squawks. 

Steve sighs, shakes his head slowly, “Well, you leave me no choice. Qezza-”

“Alright, you guys, stop! Everybody stop.” Stephanos says, stepping between his two friends, “I’m gonna speak to the birdies. What is this place?” He turns to them.

The Kenku looks nervous, feathers pointing up stiffly. Then it says, in a slightly gruffer voice, “Xanatha sends its regards.”

“What the hell…” Steve mutters.

“Who  _ is  _ Xanathar?” Stephanos demands.

The bird ruffles, looks to its friend, then ruffles its feathers and says, “Ehh, no time to loot the place, just get the boss.”

“Who’s the boss?” Stephanos asks, frowning in confusion. He’s desperately trying to remember what he’d read about these birds- if only he paid more attention to the words than the pictures.

“Yeah, follow the yellow signs in the sewer,  _ squARK _ .” The Kenku continues.

“You mean to tell me they could speak this entire time and they’ve just been copying me to mock me?” Steve asks.

“Well, no, no, they’re repeating stuff they’ve heard earlier.” Qezza says in a deadpan tone, “This is the stuff that the people who ran out must have been saying.”

“ _ Ohhhhhh _ .” Stephanos says, “That’s right! Wow! Brilliant mind Qezza, you’re so smart!”

“Tie up the pretty boy, put him in the back room! Tie up the pretty boy and put him in the back room!” The Kenku blurts. 

Qezza looks between the two boys, “He might still be here!”

“Sure, well, either that or we’re gonna find a very attractive skeleton duct-taped to a chair.” Steve jokes. But before he can gage Stephanos’ reaction, they hear, from the back room, a bit of a scuffle, like feet scraping the floor. 

And then they hear someone say, “Help me!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a little late, but I procrastinated slightly, lol. Thanks for the supportas always, means a lot.
> 
> OH YEAH, I also received some wonderful fanart from @grumpy__frog on twitter. you can find it here: https://twitter.com/grumpy__frog/status/1265756643863810048?s=21, it's so cute and I love it so much.
> 
> Hopefully next update next sunday, love you all!!


	5. Descent Into The Sewers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet Renaer, a sleepy fella called pippy, a lot of poop, and also a certain someone (*cough* steve *cough*) gets a tattoo

The three of them freeze at the unmistakable shout for help. They look at each other with wide eyes, all thinking the same thing. Qezza voices it with a loud whisper,

 _“Floon!”_ She says.

The voice calls again, hollow and desperate, coming from the room at the back, “Help!”

The group glance at each other, then at the two remaining Kenku, still shuddering under their feathers. 

“Okay, well, you guys hang out here with the birds,” Qezza says, “And I’m gonna go and get Floon.”

“Alright, you do that.” Steve agrees, “You go find that old man, I wanna hang out with these parrots.”

 _“I wanna hang out with these parrots!”_ One of said birds echoes. 

“No, no, let’s all go in the direction of the muffled voice.” Stephanos says.

“But what about the birds?!” Steve demands. 

Qezza eyes them, then shrugs, “I think we’ve done enough to them, they look too frightened to make a run for it.”

“Ugh, alright, let’s go then.”

They venture across the building to the back room. The door is wedged from the outside, and Steve removes the metal bar barricading it. He slings it to the ground, and the clatter rings out in the stillness of the night. Qezza shoves open the door.

It’s a small room. Dusty and dark, not because of the night’s dimness, but for the fact that there are no windows for the night’s dimness to seep through. In the corner, as their eyes adjust, they see, cowering against the wall, a man. He’s disassembling, hurriedly, ropes that were tied around his wrists. 

“Oh, thank goodness.” He says when they burst in, “D-did you take care of those wretched creatures out there?” 

“Yeah!” Qezza says, “Two of them are dead and the other two are er- hostage, I guess. Who are you- are you Floon?” The half orc asks. It feels too easy, if this is Floon.

“Oh. No, no, I’m Renaer.” The young man says.

“ _Oh_.” Qezza says as Stephanos gasps,

“ _Renaer_.” 

“Uh, yeah. Yes.” He has a regal voice. A warm, rich accent. 

“Why are you here?” Stephanos asks, “I mean, Renaer, you’re- you’re a man of wealth and prestige in this city, why- why are you in this warehouse?” 

“I don’t think he _wants_ to be here, dummy.” Steve points out.

“Yes, well, uh, well I was out, drinking with my friend- Floon- and we had a bit of a toss back over at the Skeward Dragon, and on our way out, we were jumped by treacherous thugs, and brought here to this warehouse. Now they hauled Floon off. And I- well, I suspect that they thought Floon was I.”

“Right, cause you’re the son of the previous Open Lord.” Qezza clarifies.

“Yes, uh, a lot of people after him.” Renaer agrees, “And they probably want to get to him via me, unfortunately.” 

“You seem… very calm, for somebody who’s been here for the past few days.” Stephanos says, eyes narrowing. It’s supposed to be scathing, Steve thinks, but he just ends up looking cute. 

“Well, uh, I’m a man of means! I figured at some point, someone might, er, toss up a pretty penny to get me out of here. The men who brought me here, anyway, I’m pretty sure they’re all dead.” Renaer explains.

Steve frowns, “Okay, and how do we know you didn’t just see us coming and then pretended that you were tied up so that when we walked in we didn’t know, that you’re in fact the boss of this whole operation.”

Renaer looks stunned for a moment, and then perhaps a little hurt. “I- I don’t know. I guess you don’t know that.” He laughs a little.

“Well, what else can you tell us about the men who kidnapped you?” Qezza asks.

Renaer sighs and runs a hand through his wayward hair, “Well, I’m pretty sure they were from the Zhentarim guild. I’m not entirely sure, but I know that the Zhentarim think my father embezzled a large amount of gold while he was Open Lord, and that he hid the dragons somewhere in the city. They actually think that they can find it by using an artifact called The Stone of Goloor, which was in the hands of the Xanathar guild until recently- apparently someone stole it? The Xans thought I knew something about all this but I don’t! My father and I actually aren’t that close, he’s kind of- I don’t know if you’ve heard but he’s kind of an a-hole.”

“Yeah, we’ve heard.” Qezza agrees. 

“Oh, yes, people are not big on him, here in Waterdeep.” Renaer says, laughing slightly.

Stephanos frowns a little more. He’s not sure they can trust him. He feels a little too perfect. Too handsome. Too pretty. He holds Renaer’s eyes for a moment, looking for any kind of micro expression, any kind of tell, that he might try to pull one over on them. But he can’t find anything but what seems to be a trustworthy man, gazing back and seizing the challenge of not blinking. Steve presses a hand into Stephanos’ shoulder and pulls him back,

“Alright, that’s enough.”

“Uh, wait.” He pushes Steve’s hand off him, “Just a quick question for you, just one more question for you, Renaer… What is it about this Floon character that makes him so appealing? Why does everybody want a piece of him?” 

“I don’t know, I actually don’t think they wanted a piece of _him_ so much as a piece of me. Granted, maybe I’m a coward, because when they hauled him away, I didn’t speak up and say ‘By the way, you’re not hauling off Renaer, right now, that’s my friend Floon’. That’s on _me,_ I don’t feel good about it, but y’know. They’re probably more interested in me than my good friend Floon, who is now, unfortunately, wrapped up in all of this.” 

Stephanos, nodding slowly this information, gently tugs at Steve’s shirt sleeve, and the bottom of Qezza’s top, to drag the back to the opposite side of the room. He whispers to them,

“Should we wrap him up and trade him for Floon? What do you guys think?” 

“Oh!” Qezza responds as Steve says,

“That sounds like a good idea.” 

“Y’know we could get Floon back, if we just give them the right person, great idea Stephanos!”

“Yeah, I’m down for kidnapping the trust fund baby, let’s do that.” Steve says back, voice still hushed. Stephanos laughs slightly.

In the far corner, Renaer watches them cautiously. He can’t really make out what they’re saying but he’s sure they’re talking about him. It’s rather unsettling. He knows the half elf cracks a joke, because the halfling, who he learnt goes by the name Stephanos, giggles, leans against him, making the half elf smile ever so slightly. He wonders if they’re a couple. 

“Alright, Renaer, listen up!” Qezza says, grabbing his attention from the boys, “You’ve been very unhelpful, so far, so we’re- we’re gonna take you with us. We’re trying to find your friend Floon. And you’re gonna come along for the ride. We think you could be helpful, in searching for your friend.”

“Sure, sure, I mean, I’m happy to join you on your quest. I’m, I’m pretty good with a rapier.” Renaer offers, smiling gently. 

“Oh great!” Qezza says warmly, “Then yeah, of course, join us on our quest!” She turns to the others and mutters, “Let’s make him think he’s joining us, and then trade him at the last minute. I mean it’d be easier than having to haul him the whole way.”

“Agreed!” Stephanos says and leads the way out the room. “Okay let’s get this show on the road! I say we look at the dead bodies first, we take a look at them, and see if we can gather any clues for the future, so… lets walk over there.”

There are twelve bodies lined around the main room. Five of them are from one gang, tattoos of the winged snake- the Zhentarim crowd. The other seven bodies have a mark on one hand- a circle with ten spokes coming out of it- Xanathar. There’s little else to observe, besides the gory details, the blood pooling on the floor and spattering the walls. The snapped necks. 

Besides the four of them, and the Kenku that are now huddled together, like a shivering pile of feathers, there is no other life stirring anywhere, not even a rat scuttles. To the back of the room, the other side to the door where they found Renaer, a piece of the wall is a little off kilter, perhaps a doorway of some kind that wasn’t put back properly. 

Stephanos hurries over to it in the most childlike excitement, “A hidden doorway?!” He half squeals, “That is- oh my god, this is like a dream come true!” 

Steve joins him at the wall- door- “Okay, keep your pants on,” He teases. 

Stephanos pushes the door, and it slides out the way. As it opens, they hear a bell ring above their heads. They hesitate, listen, but the warehouse falls still again. Stephanos ventures in first, closely followed by Steve who mutters “Be careful.” and lightly rests a hand on his back. 

They appear to end up in a small room, one which seems to be a place used as a secret stash room, almost like a glorified closet. Against the far wall in the small dark space, are two crates, shut tight, but they don’t appear to have any locks. 

Qezza, who’d also entered the room followed lastly by Renaer, leans down in front of the crate on the right. She forces it open with her knife, and four heads eagerly peer into the container. Inside are four gorgeous paintings, carefully placed between layers of thin paper. Qezza lifts one out slowly, to uncover the one beneath, which Stephanos removes. 

All four paintings appear to depict cities around the realm, intricate brush strokes, tiny, detailed depictions of buildings. 

“Renaer, do you know what these are, Renaer?” Stephanos asks.

“Uh, no, but I do know that they seem to be the cities of Luscombe, Neverwinter, Silverymoon and Baldur’s Gate.” Renaer replies pointing to each painting respectively as he names them. 

“Let’s take them with us.”Qezza says, slipping her bag from her shoulder as though to load the paintings inside. 

“Yeah why not.” Steve agrees with a shrug, hands his painting to the half orc so she can add it to her bag. 

Stephanos turns his attention to the other crate and prizes it open like a child on christmas morning. He slides the lid carelessly to the side, and bright, shiny glints dance over his face, almost as though he is glowing. Steve, watching him, forgets how to breathe for a second. Then he shakes himself back into functionality and shuffles over to join the halfling. He looks into the crate. There are about 15 ten-pound silver trade bars shining inside. 

“Holy shit.” He remarks, “Silver. Great if we bump into a werewolf or something huh.” He nudges Stephanos lightly as he tells the slight joke. Stephanos smiles. 

Then Renaer’s pushing his way between the two of them to look for himself, Steve’s glare going unnoticed. “Hmm.” He starts, “Those might be able to fetch a pretty penny.” He lifts one up and turns it around in his hands. It’s a little weighty, but smooth and glimmering, “I’m no merchant myself, but I would guess those would be worth about uh, 50 dragons each or so.” 

“Woah!” Stephanos remarks, looking in wonder at Renaer. Steve feels a little sick. 

“Let’s give them to Renaer.” He says, his tone snappy, almost sneering, “He could hold them for us.”

“No!” Qezza, who stands above the three crouching on the floor, snaps back at once, “He’ll run off, absolutely- don’t give them- Steve, why would you give them to Renaer?!”

Renaer looks a little hurt, switching between Steve and Qezza nervously.

“Because if he runs _off_...” Steve explains, ensuring that he has Renaer’s attention, glaring into his eyes, “then I have an excuse to shoot him in the head.” Renaer gulps slowly.

“You know that’s a good point, actually!” Stephanos agrees, slightly behind Renaer, who turns around to look at him, hurt. 

“Yeah, okay, fair enough.” Qezza says.

“Yeah, no problem whatsoever.” Renaer answers honestly, “I’ll look after them, I’m happy to.” Anything to keep his head uninjured, really. 

“Sounds, good, yeah, you keep them safe.” Steve says, patting Renaer a little harshly on the shoulder. 

“Happy to, like I said, happy to.” Renaer assures, beginning to load the silver bars into his little satchel. 

Steve leaves Renaer to it and exits the room. It’s a little cramped and dark in there, somehow grottier than the rest of the building. He dusts his hands on his robes, scours the room, the bodies.

“Hey Steve.” Stephanos says gleefully, popping around from behind him, Steve can’t help but smile softly back at him. His heart misses a beat too and it’s impossible to pretend it doesn’t.

“Hey Cotton.” He says gently. He lifts a hand hesitantly, meaning to run it through Stephanos’ hair, but he pauses. It reminds him of last night. And if it reminds _him_ of last night, well what if Stephanos remembers?! Stephanos frowns at him, glancing at Steve’s raised hand, then his face. Steve relaxes a little, threads his fingers through Stephanos’ hair. He finds his fingers are shaking, through the soft strands, like he’s nervous.

Suddenly, there’s a great commotion over by the cargo door. And it’s not the Kenku. The door shudders more than the birds, as someone slams into it from the outside. It suddenly gives way, and flies open. City Watch has stormed the building. About a dozen officers swarm into the building. The man who’d kicked the door appears to be in charge of everyone. He storms around the place, beginning to case the joint. 

By now, hearing this sudden commotion, Qezza and Renaer have emerged out of the secret room as well, and they watch the officers. The leader has his eyes on everybody, somehow at once, swinging from the bodies to the kenku then to the four of them across the room. 

“You there, freeze!”

It didn’t seem to matter that the group was already very frozen. Steve recovers first, sighs in feigned relief.

“Holy shit, I’m so happy you guys showed up!” He says,”You should’ve seen it, there was an entire gang of them that came in here! We just kind of came over cause we heard all the noise. Anyway, they wasted all these folk over here, and then they tied this guy up,” he gestures behind him to Renaer, “, he’s all freaking out, we’re just tryna help, officer, we came in at the same time as you guys actually, I was just about to call you, I’m so happy you showed up.”

The Watch Officer holds his eyes steadily, trying to read him, not trusting him, entirely, but having little reason not to buy his story, “We had reports of suspicious activity over here.” He starts, “And we thought we’d check it out. Uh, clearly there was some kind of scuffle going on here. How did you all get wrapped up in all this?”

Steve clears his throat, “Well, like I said, I heard the banging, from down the street, I kind of have er, a house that I just moved into recently, I’m a performer. Anyways, I wanted to see what the commotion was, because it was hard for me to sleep, you know with the screaming, and I got a performance tomorrow, anyways, I walk in here and I just see the pile of bodies, it’s kinda, it’s kinda crazy! So uh, that’s kinda how we got here.”

The man eyes him once more, suspicion in his eyes. But it drops, seeming pretty trusting of what Steve had said. While still eyeing the group, not really sure how the others fit in, he points to his officers and says, “The kenku: round them up.”

There’s a _yes sir_ and the officers nearby start arresting the two remaining birds, hauling them out of the warehouse as they echo the arrest mantra- _You have the right to remain silent! sQUARK._ The leading officer turns his attention back to the group when the birds are out of sight. 

“So you’re all- oh… Renaer. I didn’t recognise you there. Uhh, good to see you sir.” The man tips his hat slightly, a little red in the cheeks for not recognising him sooner. Renaer nods back. “How did you get roped up into all this?”

Renaer begins to offer up some details, “These kind folk entered as those nasty Kenku were looting the place. And uh, in one way, they possibly saved my life but uh, we’re all on the look out for our friend Floon.”

“Yep.” Steve agrees, “Exactly as I recollected.”

“Exactly as he tells it.” Qezza adds as Stephanos says,

“Yep, yep, yep.”

“Renaer, you seem to know this guy, what’s his deal?”

“Oh, this is uh, Captain Staget.” Renaer replies, “He leads up the City Watch. A uh- a pretty well known guy, nice guy, people like him. He’s tough on crime.” he clears his throat, doesn’t look the captain in the eye. 

“Captain, you seem like a er, intelligent man, um, we’re missing our friend Floon.” Qezza starts, “It’s our impression that he has been kidnapped by one of the gangs, either the Xanathar or the Zhentarim, could you tell us more about those gangs a-and what might’ve happened to our friend.”

“Uhhhh, all I know is that the gangs are at odds with each other.” The Captain replies, “Zhentarim are after some kind of stone, or something, uh, we haven’t gotten all the details. We’re really hoping they’ll just kill each other and we can wash our hands of it. We’ve actually been uh, casing the docks lately because we’ve been keeping an eye out for a fellow named Erdstall Flockseen. And we think he’s actually kind of, Zhentarim higher up. He may be er- responsible for a lot of this nasty business that’s been going around but,” he throws his hands up in a wide shrug, “jury’s out on that.”

Qezza nods slowly, “Okay, okay, you know anything about how to get into the sewers?” 

“The sewers?” Staget repeats, a little taken aback, “Uhh, I mean there’s… there’s uhhh, there’s manholes, all over the town, um… why, did you- did you hear any whereabouts of anyone down there?”

“Nah nothing.” Qezza lies smoothly, “Just curious.” She shrugs. 

“Huh. yeah. I mean… _I_ wouldn’t go down there. I mean, I’m primarily concerned with what goes on above the ground uhh, it’s quite possible there’s a lot of gang activity down in those sewers but, uh, again, I don’t wanna dip my toes in that- excuse the pun. Got enough problems down here.”

Qezza nods, “Well, thank you, Sir.”

“Alright, well if you don’t mind, I have some business to attend to now, so, uh, I’m gonna get on with that.” He hesitates and looks at Renaer, “Good to see you, Sir.” Renaer nods silently, and the Captain walks away.

“Well, I feel like we’ve really exhausted this warehouse, I would love to get into the sewage we were talking about earlier.” Stephanos says. He’s joking, but Steve pulls a disgusted face nonetheless. 

“Sure, let’s leave this place, let’s go.” The bard goes to leave,

“And Renaer,” Stephanos says, “you’re coming with us, right?” He sounds hopeful, it makes Steve’s heart sink. He is going to kill Renaer before the day is out at this rate.

“Yes, of course I am!” Renaer grins brightly, “I told you I would. I tell you though, this silver, is uh, quite heavy.”

“Tough shit, you’re carrying it.” Steve says as he leaves through the kicked down, now hanging on by only the bottom hinge, cargo door. 

They march out of the warehouse and head off in search of a manhole, now a quad, instead of a trio. The sky is still dark but there’s a hint of cool early morning air scraping across from the damp docks. It’s refreshing, there’s a haze to the light, like the world’s preparing for the sun. It’s probably about 3am, and the streets are largely deserted, now that the City Watch have cleared off. They can’t see a manhole on this stretch of street, but they do see a fella sleeping on a stoop across the road.

“Perhaps he’ll know.” Qezza says quietly. The morning breeze has her hair fluttering behind her. 

“Sure, he looks like he knows sewers.” Steve says, only partly sarcastic. 

“Just before we do.” Stephanos starts, grabbing Qezza and Steve’s arms. “I just wanted to say… one more time for my friends here, Qezza, Steve… Renaer… you’re my homies. And I love you all. Til I die.”

“Very good, cool, yeah.” Steve goes to walk over to the sleeping fella again, but Stephanos still pulls on his arm. He turns back around and looks down at the halfling. 

“Especially you, Steve.” Stephanos says. Steve’s cheeks feel red. “I love you so much that um… I just love you, period, end of story!” 

Steve stares at him. His heart is in his throat. No one’s… no one’s really said that to him before. Qezza and Renaer are staring at him. The night feels hot. Sticky. 

“Steve… don’t you love me too? You know, when someone says I love you, you say I love you back.”

The trouble is that Steve can’t remember how to speak. The trouble is that Steve’s never said _that_ to anyone before either. And that trouble _is_ that Steve is too proud to admit that he’s fallen stupidly, carelessly, helplessly in love with Stephanos Coffeebean. 

He clears his throat. Renaer is watching in confusion. Qezza is watching too, somewhere in between pain and amusement. “I think we’re not at that stage yet. I think we should find this manhole and have a look down there and then uh… maybe somewhere down the line- let’s just take it slow, huh?”

He’s rambling. He _knows_ he’s rambling. It’s embarrassing. It’s worse because his heart no longer knows the meaning of slow. It’s beating fast and hurried and all at once like he may _die_ if he doesn’t hold this guy. Like he’ll burn out if he can never kiss him again. They have all the time in the world to _lose_ and his heart and his brain are both yelling _now now now_ , _all of it, everything, Stephanos, now now now._

“Alright.” Qezza pats Stephanos shoulder lightly, then gestures he joins her across the road with the sleeping fella. Steve watches them begin to walk, watches Renaer awkwardly go to join them, and waits a moment to catch his breath. He exhales quickly and it expels a cloud into the fresh morning air. He crosses to the other side of the road, where the other three just stare at the sleeping body.

“Wakey, wakey, cousin bakey.” Steve says loudly. He can feel Stephanos frown at him; brutally ignores him. The man wakes up with a start. 

“Oh! Oh! Who’s talking to little Pippy?” The guy blinks around, shocked to discover four faces staring back at him.

“Pippy?” Steve echoes. 

“Hi… Pippy.” Qezza says, “Uh… could you show us where a manhole might be?”

“Oh a little manhole?!” The guy sits up, brightens, “hmm, I think I’ve seen one of those around here, yes,” He laughs a little, “You know what would jog my memory is a little coin!” 

Qezza narrows her eyes, “You’re fucking with the wrong girl Pipp.” She growls.

Pippy’s surprised at her tone and straightens up, “Am I?”

Steve bends down into the little guy’s space, “If you don’t tell us where this manhole is, Pippy, Qezza here is gonna make a manhole _in you_ , you get me? Now, I don’t think you want that. So uh, why don’t you tell us where the manhole is and we uh, we don’t have to get to that point in this conflict.”

“Why do you _all_ default to _fighting_?!” Stephanos cries suddenly, “We have coin!”

Steve and Qezza look at him. “Nah.” Qezza says.

Pippy still looks taken aback by Steve’s words, “Why would you be so cruel to little Pippy Coppermop?! Well, I don’t wanna get punched in the face so, I will direct you to that pile of manure in the middle of the street over there,” he points with a stubby, thin little finger, “for under it, is a wonderful little manhole.”

Steve leans a little closer to him, frowning, “You sure you’re not just gonna have us dig through a big pile of shit for no reason?” 

“No! No! Pippy wouldn’t do that.”

“Well I hope not,” Steve growls, “Because I sure would hate for Pippy to go missing.”

Pippy nods hurriedly, “Pippy would hate that too!”

“We have just-” Stephanos starts up again, exasperated, “We have just woke this man up for no reason and threatened to kill him.”

Steve sighs, “Stephanos, could you do me a favour and uh, shut the hell up?” 

Stephanos frowns. For a moment Steve feels bad. It’s just that Stephanos is distracting. And is it not bad enough for the halfling to be stuck constantly in his mind, let alone trying to actually talk to him? He just- he can’t think around him anymore.

“Let’s just go over to the manure and see what’s going on.” Stephanos says quietly, but he speaks to the ground, and walks across the street without checking if anyone is following. 

“I’m just gonna stand here with Pippy while you guys go over and clear the manure. That way, if there’s a manhole, I’ll walk over, and if there’s _not_ a manhole cover, then I’ll punch Pippy in the face.” Qezza says, and Steve nods in approval. 

He wanders over to the halfling, who’s staring disdainfully down at the manure he’s required to move. “It smells worse than you.” He mutters when Steve reaches his side. 

“Very good, very good.” Steve says, gives him a nudge, “See, you can be funny.”

Stephanos smiles. It’s not an apology but it feels like one, and it’s enough motivation for the halfling to take his hands and plunge it into the manure, beginning to shift it. Steve watches him with a grimace. And eventually, enough has been moved- _manurevered_ \- revealing a dull metal manhole cover, rusty, slimed, caked in brown. Pippy, standing next to Qezza, claps and says,

“Just like Pippy said!”

Qezza gives him a grateful pat on the head, “Thank you very much, sir.” And she quickly slips him a dragon, then heads over to join the boys. 

“Where can I wash my hands?” Stephanos asks, “This is nasty.” He’s whining. It’s painfully cute, to Steve. 

“I don’t know, can you use a healing spell for that?” Qezza asks, but her tone is doubtful. Stephanos frowns. He doesn’t think it’ll work either, but he tries nonetheless. 

The manure doesn’t move. 

“Oh, no, alright, well I guess it’s me and you now, Steve.” Stephanos says, “We just smell like poop.”

“I never actually helped you in the first place actually so-”

“No but you just smell like poop normally.” Stephanos teases. 

Steve smiles, slightly, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I think I smell like roses.”

“Okay, you definitely don’t smell like roses.” Qezza says.

Stephanos shakes his head and leans down to the manhole cover, heaving it off. Steve is tempted to make a comment about how such a small guy could lift something so heavy but he bites it back- he’s possibly wound him up enough for now. 

“Can we send Renaer down first?” Qezza asks the others. 

“Oh we can definitely do that. And if he doesn’t-”

“Oh you’d like me to go first?” Renaer asks, cutting Steve off because he doesn’t need anymore threats from the half elf. 

“Yes please.” Stephanos answers. The politeness makes Renaer melt a little, he’s hardly going to say no to that. 

He steps towards the hole and looks down.

“Spend too long and I’ll push ya.” Steve warns. Renaer throws him a scowl, then takes to the rusty, unsafe looking ladder, and shimmies down.

The three waiting above ground listen carefully as the sound of his feet on the ladder rungs grows quieter. Before long the darkness has engulfed him, and the sewer is completely silent. 

“Right let’s go.” Stephanos says after a while. He leans down to grab the ladder when Steve puts a hand on his shoulder,

“Hang on, we should probably wait another minute or two to see if he actually makes it to the bottom. Like in case we hear a sudden scream like ‘ahhh my leg, it shot me!’ or something like that.”

“Alright, alright, we should probably wait a beat.” Stephanos agrees, standing back up again. 

“You good down there buddy?!” Qezza yells down the manhole. 

“Hey! Hey Renaer!” Steve calls, “Say something, Renaer, so I know it’s you down there. Like ‘hey my name’s Renaer, I don’t have a pistol held to my head’.”

In a monotone echo, a voice calls up, “Hey my name’s Renaer, I don’t have a pistol held to my head.”

The trio look at each other. Qezza shrugs,

“Okay.” She says.

“Works for me.” Steve agrees.

“Alright.” Qezza shouts down the hole, “I’m coming down!”

One by one they climb down the ladder, Steve last after a gentle _After you, Cotton_ that Stephanos didn’t know how to say no to. Once all at the bottom, they discover that they are in a tunnel, stretching for miles in two opposite directions. It’s pitch black, however Qezza and Steve have night vision, and Stephanos casts a light spell, and holds a bright white glow in his hands. A putrid stream flows along the sewer tunnel, to the edge of the pathway, however the pathway is also caked in the remnants from the stream. 

The sewer tunnel in one direction, has a tiny symbol drawn on the wall in yellow chalk: A palm-sized circle, with ten equi-distance spokes radiating from its circumference. It’s Stephanos who notices it, holds his light up to it and mutters quietly, 

“I’ve seen this before.”

“Well that bird said to follow the yellow signs.” Qezza says.

“Obviously, yes!” Stephanos agrees. 

They take this path down the sewer, Qezza with longer, faster legs powering faster through the squelchy, gross path, Renaer not too far behind her. Steve and Stephanos hang back slightly, both shorter and struggling a little more to lift their feet from the sewage underfoot. 

“Hey uh,” Steve starts, then swallows, glancing once at the halfling, then away again. He’s glowing, in the little ball of light still lit in his palm, “I’m sorry. If I’ve been a dick, well not _if_ I know I have. But I’m sorry. That’s just me.” He shrugs. 

“It’s okay, Steve.” Stephanos replies, grunting a little as his boot slurps its way from a particularly deep patch. It squelches back down in front of him, “I mean, friends tease each other, right?”

“Right.” Steve says, “Friends. Friends tease each other. And we are friends.” It really shouldn’t bother him. It’s barely been 48 hours, really, and he’s lucky to even be a ‘friend’. 

Up ahead, Renaer and Qezza have stopped, and the boys realise why when they reach them. The tunnel comes to a fork. On the left is the familiar yellow chalk symbol, the other is the same in everyway except for the fact that it does not have this symbol. 

“Steve, are you smart enough to figure this one out?” Stephanos asks teasingly.

“Ehhh, I guess, in the end, I really don’t care what happens, so we’ll just do whatever you guys wanna do.” Steve replies, and when he catches Stephanos’ blank expression he can’t help but crack up. 

“Let’s stop asking Steve.” Qezza says with an amused shake of her head. She takes the left path and the others follow her, passing the chalk symbol. It almost feels like it watches them pass. 

As they continue to walk, their feet becoming heavier, dirtier, damper, even, as they trudge through the muck. 

“This is so gross.” Steve groans, “I don’t like it.”

“Hey Stephanos where are you up to in shit right now?” 

“Looks like it’s about chin high for him.” Steve jokes. 

Stephanos laughs slightly, “Yeah I’m just about keeping my head above water, don’t worry.” He’s not _that_ high, although at this point, very little of his legs can be seen.

Qezza stops and turns around. Belatedly, Renaer stops a little in front of her. “Climb up.” She says to Stephanos, “Come on.” She gestures to her back. 

“Oh. Oh no, it’s okay.” Stephanos replies, flushing a little pink, “I don’t wanna put my poopy legs on your shoulders.”

Qezza snorts a little, “You’re gonna drown!” She points out. 

“It does look like it only gets deeper from here.” Renaer agrees, still a little in front. 

“Okay.” Stephanos says, “Fine. Thank you very much.” He treads his way over to Qezza, and inelegantly scrambles up. 

They wade through the next half a mile. The smell by now has become almost normal, and goes unnoticed. Steve watches Stephanos bob up and down as Qezza walks, and he smiles a little. He’s only slightly jealous. But it feels stupid to be jealous of Qezza, and he tries to let it go. 

After sometime, the path becomes a little drier, or shallower, perhaps, and Qezza let’s Stephanos back to the ground and stretches her shoulders. The tunnel feels endless. Steve hangs back, staring at the ground, carefully watching his footing. Renaer and Qezza chat up ahead (from what Steve can gather, it’s a discussion about shitty fathers. In fairness, he could join in). 

“Hey Steve!” 

Steve jumps and looks round to where Stephanos peeps around his left shoulder. “Oh boy, what do you want?” He asks. He kind of hopes Stephanos wants to hold his hand. 

“I remember last night! You know how I said there was a big thing I forgot! I remembered!” 

“Oh.” Steve says. And then “ _Oh_ . _Oh… shit_.”

“Yeah!” Stephanos says, “And I get it, I know exactly why you didn’t say anything! Why you were hiding it- it’s kind of embarrassing, I get it! I mean- how did you lose that bet?! I had the biggest disadvantage!”

“The be- _oh_ . _Ohhhh, yeah_. Yeah, no, you’re right, yeah. The bet. The tattoo, of course.”

“Yeah!” Stephanos adds excitedly. “Now you need my name tattooed on your ass! I bet you thought you’d gotten away with it!”

“Uh- yeah. Yeah. Shit. I’m so- I’m so bummed out that you remembered! This is so embarrassing.” He’s being sarcastic, he can’t even hide it, but Stephanos doesn’t appear to notice. 

“Did someone say tATTOOS?!” A gnome suddenly jumps out from a small alcove in the tunnel. Both boys yelp. Renaer and Qezza are too far up the path to notice, in fact Steve can barely make them out, they've gotten so far ahead.

“Definitely not.” Steve says, however, at the same time Stephanos responds with

“We did! Steve lost a bet, and now he needs my name on his ass.”

“Ho ho! Yes! A common happenstance.” The gnome replies in great amusement.

“Alright, Stephanos, you don’t need to go around gloating to everyone. Come on.” Steve tugs at his friend's arm.

“Uh- bu-but wait!” the gnome calls, his voice dry and shallow, “I could do it. The tattoo.” 

Steve smiles politely at him, “Sorry sir, but we really don’t have the ti-”

“Oh brilliant!” Stephanos says, cutting him off, “How much? I’ll pay it gladly! Steve, isn’t this a bit of luck?!”

“Sure, yeah, great. So glad we ran into this random old gnome.” Steve snaps back sarcastically. 

“Right, bear with me one moment.” The gnome slips back into his alcove, and the two boys hear some scuffling, clattering, as though he is rifling through an array of objects. Some moments later he reappears with a concerning looking instrument- something between a needle and a water pistol. “Right. Now where did you say I am to write this name?”

Steve groans. 

*

“Hey, Stephanos, do you want me to carry you through this bit, it’s very deep?!” Qezza calls. It’s only a little strange when he doesn’t reply. Perhaps he’s too absorbed in Steve to listen, “Stephanos!” 

“You know it’s weird,” Renaer says, stopping sharply at the edge of the deeper sludge of poop, “They’ve been particularly quiet for a while now.” 

They both turn around. 

“Oh shit.” Qezza says when the tunnel, as far as they can see, appears to be empty. 

“Now I think about it, I did hear what appeared to be a yelp, some fifteen minutes or so back. You don’t think they were taken, do you?” Renaer wonders. 

“Well whoever took them better run or else they’re going to meet a very nasty end.” Qezza says, beginning to storm back down the tunnel, sliding her great sword from its scabbard as she goes. Renaer hurries after her.

“O-or, we could get out while we still can?” Renaer suggests.

“What? No! They’re my friends, I’m not leaving them in the clutches of some evil-”

“Okay, no, you’re right.” Renaer says quickly, “I will admit that, I do have a pattern of being a coward, and, there I was, doing so again.” 

Qezza ignores him, powers down the pathway. Renaer tries to keep up, is essentially running along beside her.

“What’s their deal, by the way?” Renaer asks, “Steve and Stephanos. Are they like, I mean... they’re a couple right?”

“I’ve absolutely no clue.” Qezza says, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

“But what if we find them. Um.” Renaer flushes. Qezza eyes him, but before she can reply, the sound of laughter echoes up the passage. Steve’s laughter, although this is only an assumption, for Qezza can’t recall having actually heard Steve laugh quite like that, with his whole heart. But there’s an underlying gruffness to it that sounds very much like the bard. 

And then a faint glowing ball of light comes into view in the distance. Steady for a moment, then flying up, down, around in the air as giggles bounce off the tunnel walls. 

“Stephanos! Stephanos!”

More laughter. 

“Give itttt.” and then, “Noooo, hey come on, fuck you.” 

And more bubbling laughter. Two sets of it. 

“Ugh, look at them now, covered in poop, you _jerk_.” Steve’s voice again. 

Their figures can finally be made out, as they get closer up the path. Steve is frowning, grimacing, wiping what seems to be a set of panpipes on his robes. Qezza and Renaer glance at each other. Nothing these boys do makes sense. 

“Qezza! There you are!” Stephanos rushes over to the half orc and hugs her waist tightly.

“Oh.” Qezza stumbles back half a step and smiles, hugging the shorter half elf back, “Hey dude, where the fuck did you guys go?”

“Oh, had a showdown with a shoddy ass gnome, nothing special.” Steve says vaguely. “And _he_ ,” he glowers at Stephanos, “stole my panpipes.”

“To prove I remember what you taught me last night!” Stephanos retorts, letting go of Qezza to repeat the argument all over again. 

“Oh, well, you really proved it with your badly timed rendition of ‘the scale’.” He mocks- the scale just being Stephanos blowing all the way along the pipes one way, and then back down the other. 

“Well I got the basics!”

“Guys!” Qezza says, “Jesus, we thought you’d been kidnapped. Don’t wander off.”

“Oh. Sorry.” Stephanos said.

“Well, to be fair, we did yell when that gnome appeared, I honestly can’t say it was _our_ fault, if you didn’t hear us.” Steve counters.

“Hmmm.” Is all Qezza responds with. They continue walking, “The reason we were looking for you is because it gets deep again here, if you want to climb back on, Stephanos.”

“Oh, yes please!” The halfling says gratefully. Before climbing onto the half orc he smiles at Steve and whispers, quietly, “Try not to fall on your ass, it might hurt you know, after-”

“Yes. I am well aware of the _situation_ , Cotton.” Steve hisses, said situation being the very poorly, cheaply done tattoo on his left cheek. 

“Alright, alright.” Stephanos grins at him, hurries over to Qezza.

*

It’s about a further half an hour’s walk before they reach another impasse that looks very much like the last. But besides the chalk mark on the wall this time, is a creature, floating, hovering in the air with a bulging central eye and four stumpy eye stalks. It bares its teeth at them. 

“Too bad we left it’s little friend back at that crummy hotel.” Steve says, “Would’ve scared it.”

“But Steve this isn’t a Beholder.” Stephanos says, “It’s a gazer.”

“I don’t understand the difference.” Steve replies. 

“I could try and tame it.” Qezza says, “I’m good with animals.”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea but uh- you do you, Qezza.” Stephanos replies.

Qezza approaches it cautiously, tentatively holding her hand out towards it, attempting to touch it, give it a pat on the head or something. Before she can it lashes out, snaps it’s little teeth at her with a slight screech. She swipes her hand back.

“Guess we’ve gotta kill it.” She says.

“Yeah, you know, Renaer, if you do well enough, you can replace Steve!” Stephanos jokes, glancing at the bard beside him. Steve stares at him emotionlessly, unamusement across his face. Stephanos laughs a little, “I’m just kidding, I’m loyal to my buddy, I love ya, Steve just jabbing with ya.” He nudges Steve teasingly in the side. 

“Oh I’m so glad you were just joking.” Steve says. His voice is blunt but there’s a slight smile twitching on his lips, “I’m so glad.” 

“To be fair it’s not like Steve’s got anywhere else to be.” Qezza points out, then hisses as the Gazer makes another swipe at her, biting her hand. 

In response, Stephanos angrily casts an _inflict wound_ spell. It hits the weird, floaty, sweaty little eyeball. Pus pours out of it’s new wound and it looks, now, very angry, it’s five eyes narrowed. Qezza steps back and pulls out her glaive, thinking it wise to attack from as far away as possible. However this does result in a failing swoop, that misses the creature’s eyeball as it shifts out the way. It vibrates in the air and shudders a little. From its eyes shoot two dazzling rays. One of them goes for Qezza, the other for Steve. 

The ray hits Qezza first, and it makes her straighten and lower her sword. Her eyes become suddenly wide and she looks almost dizzy, hypnotised. 

“It looks… kinda cute, actually.” Qezza says dreamily.

“She’s been charmed!” Renaer shouts. 

Just as he says that, the second ray hits Steve, and pushes him 30 feet back down the tunnel, sliding along the poop like one of those huge water slides, only nowhere near as fun, especially when you, not even an hour ago, got a tattoo on your butt. 

Renaer watches in shock, then turns a little angrily to the creature, “Well I just met this man, but, how dare you?!” 

He takes out his rapier and lunges at the gazer. He hits it, plunging the rapier into it’s largest eye. Ooze and blood just starts pouring out of it. The creature hobbles around a bit in the air, bumps into the wall, still just about levitating, looking furious at its injuries. It screeches, though it’s hard to tell if this is from pain or from anger. 

“Haha!” Renaer says, “Take that you rottened creaton!”

“Aww.” The charmed Qezza says, “But it looked so cute.” She swings her sword, she’s nowhere near it, as though she’s drunk. This stunning failure, however, snaps her back into reality, “Oh, God, what did I say?! It’s hideous!”

It’s all the more hideous now it’s been injured, almost as though it’s been turned inside out.

“Alright, alright, let me finish this.” Stephanos says as he takes out his crossbow and loads it with an arrow. Jokingly, he points it at Steve who’s sauntering back up the path, his clothes looking considerably browner, soggier, than before, then he actually points it at the gazer. Shoots. He hits it. It’s enough, for the bolt plunges into the creature, causing it to tremor wildly. It spasms, until, quite suddenly, all the life falls from its body. And then the body falls from the air, landing with a squelch onto the pathway. 

“Nice, nice, nice!” Steve says, having witnessed this from a few metres down the path. He finally reaches the group, stops. They all stare at the strange animal. It is now silent. Everything still smells of shit, but it’s calm now. Quiet. 

“Ugh, you smell awful.” Qezza remarks at Steve, moving away and replacing her glaive. 

“Well we all smell awful so it doesn’t really matter does it.” Steve retorts. 

“Oh no, you smell worse, somehow, you smell worse.” Qezza responds. And no one is going to object. 

“Should we take some DNA from this thing?” Stephanos asks, “You know we might need it later.”

“Sure.” Qezza replies

“I could take an eye.” Stephanos suggests.

“Alright, Stephanos, pop down there and grab an eye.”

He reaches down, though this isn’t very far because he is very small, and takes the main eye from the creature. It’s gooey, a slash across the middle of it. Steve grimaces as the halfling lifts it up. Noticing this, Stephanos puts it in front of his own eye and turns jokingly to his friend. 

“I see your soul.” He says, in a deep, slightly eerie kind of voice. But then he softens, says, quietly, “I love, you.”

Steve swallows, heart jumping at the words but quickly recovering when he looks at the eye again. “I mean, it’s like cutting the face off a human and dancing around with it!” He says, then to Qezza adds, “I think this guy might be a murderer!” 

When he looks back at the halfling, hoping he’d dropped the little gimmick, he finds that instead, the guy’s gotten the other four eyes, and is juggling with them. 

“I mean, this is psychotic right?” He asks, though he’s not sure who to. Renaer looks like he’s having the best time in his life, and even Qezza is smiling a little, “I mean, everyone realises this is psychotic?! This guy is like… a serial killer!”

The others ignore him. Renaer watches on with great delight, “You _are_ a very good bard, Stephanos!” He compliments, “One of the best bards I’ve ever seen. Stephanos is truly a wonderful bard!”

Stephanos finishes his juggling and carefully sets the eyeballs down by the body, that’s collapsing, flattening, as all its inside seep into the poop around it. 

“I am one of the best entertainers,” Stephanos says in response to Renaer, “But you know what, I will say that, Steve, he is the best bard I’ve ever met. So I take all the credit for my learnings, from this guy right here.” 

Steve’s heart warms a little. 

“Oh I didn’t realise, are you also a bard?!” Renaer asks, turning to him in surprise. 

“Huh?” Steve says, blinking twice, “Oh, sorry, I actually tuned out this freak show about five minutes ago.” He begins to walk up the tunnel ahead of them, muttering, “I can’t believe I’m travelling with these creeps.”

Steve doesn’t walk too far, before he stops. The tunnel opens up in a sort of room, and on the wall, another chalk mark, only a little larger, like a finishing flag.

They have stumbled upon a Xanathar lair.

**  
  
  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think ??? this is edited alright, idk ppl have been trying to distract me all day lmao. also the first half feels kind meh to me, like, bitty idk, but I think it gets going when they reach the sewers so I hope y'all enjoyed! thanks for the support as always (can't believe there's only two parts left?! and a prologue after that tho)


	6. Steve's Murderous Rampage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE NOTE: lots of violence! lots of violence! what even /was/ this episode jfc!! also small small vomit tw (its just a sentence in the paragraph where krentz is killed)
> 
> but also a very small but soft scene between Stephanos and Renaer, i love them

The tunnel expands into a sort of circular hub. Across the room from each other, a pair of arrow slits are carved into the wall. On the other side of the circular space the tunnel continues, but to one side, a stone door is set into the wall of a stone ledge. Sizing it up, it doesn’t seem to require a key of any sort, and doesn’t seem to be bolted or barricaded. 

“Who’s gonna open it first?” Qezza asks quietly.

“Well I think it should be Steve.” Stephanos says, turning back to smirk slightly at the half-elf. 

“Alright, fine.” Steve says, edging into the circular space. He pauses halfway to the door and adds, quietly, “If I die, though, don’t let Stephanos anywhere near my corpse. I don’t want to be made into, like, a- a lampshade in his creepy ass apartment.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll honour your body.” Stephanos whisper-shouts back.

“I don’t  _ want  _ you to honour me body!” Steve retorts, and before Stephanos can reply he storms over to the door.

He presses his ear to it, the stone cold against him, but otherwise silent. Then he smiles, an idea growing. Slipping off his bag, he bends down to the floor and rifles through it. The group watch from down the tunnel, peering around the wall into the room. 

“What is he doing?” Qezza whispers.

“Are those bagpipes?” Renaer asks.

“Oh no.” is all Stephanos says.

Steve hears their concern and smiles across to them, “Look this way anything on the other side of the door will come towards us.” He explains.

“Do we… want that?” Renaer asks slowly. He regrets many things but this journey… well it’s up there. 

“Stephanos,” Qezza says, nudging the halfling, “Why don’t you pierce Steve’s bagpipes with your crossbow?”

Steve hears this whisper, and despite being prepared when Stephanos shoots, attempting to roll out the way, the halfling successfully pierces the bagpipes. There’s a hissing sound as the air leaves the pierced tartan bag. Steve looks up and scowls as Qezza and Stephanos high five. 

“What the hell man, everyone knows you don’t touch a bard’s pipes!” Steve says, storming back up the room to the group, he leans down a little to Stephanos, “You touch my bag again and we’re gonna have some problems.” 

Stephanos looks unfortunately unbothered, “Okay, can we put Steve to the back of the line here?”

Steve brightens, “Well, you know I’m fine with that because that’s exactly what I wanted.” He slips back around the corner, behind Renaer, smiling as Qezza mutters

“You dick.”

as he passes.

Qezza goes to open the door. She pushes it open slowly, the others holding their breath. She finds, merely, another empty room, a stone room, rather dingy. There appears to be garbage all over the floor, but besides this there doesn’t appear to be anyone there. She beckons the others in. At the far end is another door. Qezza gestures to it and the others shrug.

“Why stop now, right?” She says with a smile.

They slip through the door. All is quiet. However, as they round the corner, a goblin pounces out at them, poised and ready to attack, like he’d heard them coming.

“Steve!” Stephanos groans, “This is because of your bagpipes.”

“Ugh, fuckin’ Steve.” Qezza says, dodging quickly as the goblin swings his scimitar, going to make a jab at her. 

Steve is rifling through his bag,

“Steve, what are you doing? We’re in the middle of a fight.” Stephanos says, watching as food flies one way and a sad looking set of bagpipes fly another. 

“Well, you popped my bagpipes so I can’t play those for him- aha!” Steve pulls out his small wooden flute.

“Steve…” Stephanos starts. Steve holds a hand out to silence him. The goblin has now stopped making failing swipes at Qezza, turning his attention to the bard, who begins to play. 

It’s a joyful tune, bouncing off the stone tunnel walls and echoing along the passage. It’s piercing a still silence among the little crowd, Renaer enjoying it, Qezza and Stephanos desiring it to stop, the goblin-

The tune stops suddenly when the goblin releases his crossbow, sending an arrow flying and hitting Stephanos in the shoulder. He yelps. “What the hell man?”

The goblin spits at him and says, loudly so it bounces tauntingly off the walls, “Boooo!”

“How dare you boo my- the greatest bard in all the land!” Stephanos exclaims, although anger doesn’t suit him, he’s all too gentle for it. He raises his crossbow, aiming right at the goblin’s heart-

“Now, now, Cotton, not to worry.” Steve rests a hand on the crossbow and slowly lowers it in Stephanos’ hands, “I think this is my fight to fight.” He turns back to the goblin, who smiles and narrows his eyes. 

“Alright!” Qezza says, excited for a good show (and a break). She carefully drags Stephanos out of the way, and the two of them lean against the wall. 

Renaer still stands in between the two groups of people, looking back and forth in befuddlement. 

“Do- do you not want me to attack this creature? Because I could make short work of him, are you sure you don’t want my help?” 

“No no no no no, come sit with us! Renaer, come sit with us!” Qezza beckons him over.

“Oh.” Renaer says, “Oh. A-alright.” He wanders over and stands beside the half-orc against the wall. 

“Grab yourself some popcorn, Renaer, because I’m about to put on a show.” Steve tells him, sizing up the goblin, who turns his attention squarely to him. “Listen here buddy, I’m about to make this a very miserable day for you. I want you to look at my face right now. Look at these eyes because that’s the last thing you’re gonna see on this planet.”

“Woooo!” Qezza calls from the sidelines. The two in the metaphorical ring ignore her, however, and Steve continues,

“I’m gonna take my rapier, and I’m gonna shove it into your heart  _ slowly _ . So that I can see the light leave your eyes.”

The goblin goes to stab Steve in the side but the bard takes his rapier and hits the knife smoothly from his hand. It clatters to the stone floor. The goblin opens his mouth, as though silenting agasp, and Steve raises his rapier. He presses it to the goblin's heart, holding the creature against it with a hand on his back. He fixes their eye contact, nails digging into the goblin’s back so he knows not to look away. 

He presses the rapier to the goblin’s chest, eeks out the increase of pressure as it slowly penetrates the skin, sliding in slowly into his heart. Life flashes before the goblin’s beady little eyes and his cheeks pale, and blood begins to slip from his mouth. Just barely, Steve hears the goblin says,

“Please, tell my wife-”

But before he can finish the sentence, he makes a gurgling, choking sound of pain, and the light fades first from his face, and then, at long last, from his eyes. 

“What did you say?” Steve asks with a sad kind of smile as he slowly lowers the corpse onto the ground. His eyes look like they’re in flames, fierce and black, “Your wife? Oh she’ll be fine.” 

The body is laid to the floor, still and blood soaked. 

“Oh. Wow.” Stephanos says, eyes wide from his place against the wall, “Did not expect you to actually win that battle.” 

“It was hardly a battle, he didn’t stand a chance.” Steve says, standing up after wiping his rapier on the goblin’s clothes. “Stephanos, you wanna come over here and uh, take this goblin’s ears and make them into a funny little necklace or something?” It’s supposed to be sarcastic, but his tone isn’t quite there, so Stephanos’ response is a tad too eager.

“Let’s do it!” He bounds towards the body, “Goblin stew for dinner!”

“That- that was a joke.” Steve says, watching in dismay as Stephanos shamelessly slices off one of the creature’s ears, “That wasn’t an actual suggestion.” 

But Stephanos has already collected the ears and rustles in his bag to make space for them. Probably next to the Gazer’s eyeballs. 

“I wonder what this goblin’s story was anyway.” Steve continues, “Why was he just walking around a sewer?”

“We’ll never know, I guess.” Qezza replies, looking down at the corpse. It was a very neat job on Steve’s part, he can at least have credit for that. 

“Kinda weird he was in a sewer when he had a wife at home.” Steve goes on, but Qezza bends down to the body, rifles his pockets. “The hell are you doing?”

“Seeing if he has any keys on him, or something. So many doors, I don’t wanna come to a locked one without- y’know, without a key.” All she finds in his pockets is a little pouch, six little copper pieces inside.

“I wonder if he was gonna give each one of those to all six of his children.” Steve jokes darkly, stepping over the body, “Not anymore.”

They continue down the corridor until the path breaks on the left with a door. They halt for a few moments, but don’t really notice any movement inside. Nonetheless, Qezza, who’s at the front, peers around the corner. There’s not much in there, a door at the far end. She hears some slight movement, possibly not enough to be worried, but she’d rather be safe than sorry. She turns to the group, or more specifically,

“Renaer, Renaer.” She whispers, “Why don’t you go? Why don’t you go crack the door, have a look?”

Renaer blinks, “Me?” He points to his own chest.

“Mhmm.” Qezza says.

“Yeah you.” Steve adds, tone snappy.

“Oh, okay.” Having seen what Steve can do- with the goblin- he doesn’t wish to disobey him. 

Renaer walks through the room to the door at the far end and pushes it open the slightest crack, praying for it not to make a noise. Mercilessly, it’s silent. His hands are shaking nonetheless. He hears voices in this next room. Possibly two.

“What’s taking him so long?” Steve mutters, peering around the door at the entrance to the room, watching Renaer some metres away, “I’m gonna go over there.” He strolls into the space, despite Qezza’s hisses of  _ no _ , “I want a peak at what’s going on.”

He reaches the door and shoves Renaer out the way, poking his own head inside. He sees what looks like a sort of big, burly, bearded troll type fella barricading a door across the room with old looking furniture; a sofa, a small cabinet, a large chest of drawers heaving along the stone floor. Beside him, biting his nails, clearly anxious, is a human bandit who appears to be bald and has eye tattoos all over his head.

The bandit who fled The Yawning Portal Tavern. 

Steve’s eyes widen and he turns back and hurriedly backons the other two over with a flailing hand. They scurry across the room, and Steve shoves Qezza against the door so she can see for herself. She looks for a moment or two then pulls her head back.

“Nice,” she says, “let’s fuck him up.”

Steve gathers them all back across the room out of earshot from the two men, “Alright, here’s what we’re gonna do.” He says quietly, “Stephanos, you still have those goblin ears, you monster?” 

As far as nicknames go, Stephanos thinks he prefers Cotton to ‘Monster’, but he lets it pass and says, “Yes they’re right here in my trusty knapsack, next to the banana chips that I have.”

“Jesus Christ.” Qezza mutters.

“Well, I don’t know if I needed the banana chips part, that’s a little weird, that you’re keeping the ears next to your food but ok, uh, I’m gonna pull out my disguise kit and I’m going to make myself-”

“Excellent!” Qezza cuts in as she realises where the bard is going with this.

“-into the goblin I just killed, and I’m gonna paste those ears on my head, and we’re gonna get the info this way.” 

Stephanos hands him the ears and Steve pulls a face, “Seriously, Cotton, don’t put this next to your food, I don’t even want to know where those Gazer eyes ended up.” 

And with that he turns to his own bag and rummages through his disguises thinking  _ goblin goblin goblin _ . He doesn’t notice Renaer lean close to Stephanos to whisper,

“How big is his bag? I mean it can- it fits bagpipes and a flute and panpipes  _ and  _ a kit of disguises?”

“He’s truly magical.” Stephanos replies quietly, eyes not leaving Steve. Renaer frowns ever so slightly, thinking, trying to make sense of the two of them. Do they know how smitten they seem?

When Steve’s disguise is ready, he practises voice, trailing through a variety of accents and tones. It’s difficult, because they need to be quiet and well, the goblin barely spoke.

“ _ Please _ , tell my wife.” Steve imitates in a low, husky kind of tone. He repeats it a few times, adding more whine to the voice, then a lower pitch, until finally, Qezza says,

“That’s it, that’s the one.” 

Steve nods and takes a breath, “Then let’s do this.” 

He crosses the room, and fearlessly launches open the door,

“How’s it going fellas?!” He greets, internally cursing because he’s pretty sure that he already fucked up the voice. He clears his throat, “Just completed my rounds down there.”

The two men look at him. The tattooed man takes a few steps closer, puts his face up close to Steve, frowns and says,

“Chesby, what’s uh,” He pauses, “You don’t look well.”

“Yeah, well er… y’know,” Steve’s brain works overtime, “I just had a couple too many burgers and beers down at the old er- the old Dragon, and uh, you know how it is with them. Sometimes the food’s not the best but you can’t really put a price on the conversation and friendship, y’know?”

The tattooed man frowns, making half of his tattooed eyes narrow with his real ones. Then, he brightens, retracts his head from Steve’s view and nods, wagging his finger knowingly, “That’s our Chesby.” He says.

“Uh, Krentz.” the half orc calls from behind the pile of furniture. It sparks something in the tattooed man’s mind, because he’s suddenly frantic,

“Quick,” he says to Steve, “uh, um, me and Zemk are having some trouble over here, the er- the lavatory is overflowing, we’re trying to stop this door.”

In the other room, the other three are listening carefully, and Stephanos cannot help but mutter,

“ _ That’s  _ the problem?”

Qezza shushes him, but Renaer hums a slight laugh,

“You know there is something wonderfully ironic about a toilet in a sewer overflowing.”

Inside the room, Steve slides the furniture from the lavatory door that Zemk has been trying to barricade. The half or whimpers slightly as his careful work is dismissed so easily, but Steve ignores this and yanks the door open. He steps inside, wrinkling his nose at the smell and the squelching underfoot. 

In the middle of the room is a pit, and Steve steps forward and peers into it. Not too far down the pit is a bubbling mass of grey goo. The bodies of two goblins float on the top. 

“Are they alive?” Steve asks, voice hopefully more like Chesby. “They look pretty dead.”

“No, I tried to send them in to fix it and they fell into the goo.” Zemk says, dismayed, “And now they’re dead!”

“Yeahhhh I’d like to not, then, try to do the same as them, seeing as how the fate that er, befell them is not something I wish upon myself.” Steve says, “So maybe you wanna get someone else to do this, perhaps a maintenance man or something like that.”

“Well Zemk can do it!” The half-orc offers, “But as long as you hold his hand so he doesn’t fall in.”

“Alright, I’ll hold you.” Steve says, kindly offering out a hand.

“Ok.” Zemk agrees a little begrudgingly. He lets Steve grip his hand, and then lowers himself cautiously into the pit. 

And then Steve lets go.

“Ah, whoopsie dasiy!” He says, his warm tone dripping with sarcasm, “You slipped, oh no!”

Zamk’s body jerks as it slips into the goo. Trying to keep his head above the putrid liquid, he raises a sewage-covered hand out.

“Help, Chesby! Help, Chesby!” Zemk begs, desperately trying to throw his head above the water.

“Oh, I can’t.” Steve says in overdone dismay, “I just washed my hands and uh, I don’t want them to get dirty.” 

Zemk slips under the goo, gasps and splutters his head back up. 

“What’s that you’re saying?” Steve mocks, “Blub, blub, blub?”

Zemk gurgles. Steve turns to the door,

“Krentz, please come quickly!” He shouts,

“What’s going on here?” Krentz demands as he appears in the doorway.

“He fell in.” Steve says, gesturing to the pit, “Could you just take a look?” 

Krentz looks reluctant, “Uhhh, I don’t know. I-I-I-I get nervous around this. I- we've already lost a few people here.”

“He said that he had just one last thing to say to you!” Steve begs, “If you could just go in there and take a look… maybe you could help him!” 

Krentz swallows, “Are you sure?” 

“Yeah he’s just, he’s right there- just, he was calling for you specifically!”

“... Alright. I- he is a very dear friend of mine and I am a godfather to all of his children, so let me go and check.” Cautiously, Krentz crosses the room to the pit and begins to peer over the ledge.

“I can put- I’ll support you.” Steve promises, voice gentle. “I’ll hold you by the back of the shirt , you ain’t going nowhere.”

Krentz turns around and looks him up and down, “You’re a very little fellow.” He says, “I don’t know if er-”

“Don’t worry, man, these two things,” Steve slaps one arm and then the other, “just pure steel, baby! Pure steel.”

“Alright, alright, uh, I’m just gonna peer over a little to see what happens.” Krentz edges his head tentatively over the pit, and he barely has time to take in Zemk’s body slowly floating to the top, before his own body jolts.

Steve grabs him by the shoulders, pushing him over, but keeping a firm hold of him, so he is just dangling over the edge. Krentz shouts at the movement, and flails, breathes heavily in an attempt to escape. Steve removes one hand and holds his shirt with the other, letting the man hang over the edge. That’s what happens when you underestimate this bard’s strength. 

“Here’s what’s gonna happen  _ bub _ .” Steve starts, “You’re gonna tell me everything I need to know, or you’re going to join your friend down there in the grey drink. Does that sound like a plan?”

The rest of the crew, who’d been listening closely behind the door of the other room now enter, huddling in the doorway. Steve has Krentz in quite the tight spot, Qezza can’t help be a little impressed. 

“Hey.” She greets.

“Alright gang?” Steve greets, turning him and Krentz around. Krentz’ eyes widen, well, the two real ones do, the tattoos just look on, unblinking. 

“Wait a minute.” The human says. 

“You remember us.” Qezza says with a smile.

“You’re- you’re those rotten scoundrels from the Yawning Portal.” Krentz exclaims.

“Rotten, huh?” He lowers Krentz a little into the pit. The man shouts,

“Ahhh, please don’t- please-”

Smiling, Steve lifts his body back up and Qezza asks, 

“Where’s Floon?”

“You’re talking about the pretty boy, huh?”

“Yeah, the pretty boy.” Qezza snaps, “Where’d he go?” 

A little out of breath from the strain of holding himself up, Krentz says, “Boss has got him in the other room. They’re interrogating him. I-I’m just a patsy, y’know. I’m just a- I just do what I’m told around here.”

Qezza frowns, “Who’s your boss?”

“Grum’shar.” Krentz replies, voice a little dark. 

“Alright, where’s the other room and how do we get there?” 

“Well it’s- it’s just down the hallwa- argh!”

Steve throws him down onto the ground in front of the pit, and Krentz pants against the grubby floor in relief, but holds his breath when Steve leans down beside him,

“You’re gonna lead us to this room. You’re gonna walk in there and you’re gonna get him comfortable. And we’re gonna have my little friend Stephanos over here, who is a crack shot with a crossbow, be ready outside. And if you make  _ one  _ slight little move to let him know anything’s up, he’s gonna blow your brains out. So you’re gonna walk us in the room, get him comfy. And when the time is right, we’re gonna come in there, we’re gonna take Floon, and maybe at the end of it, I’ll let you live, how about that?”

“Alright.” Krentz says hurriedly, “That. That sounds good.”

“You like not dying?” Steve half mocks, “Does that sound good?”

“I-I-I do like that. Uh, and promise me you’ll leave Chesby alone, though.”

“Oh.” Qezza says, “Uh.”

“Last I heard, he can’t hear anymore.” Steve says sweetly, “You wanna know why? Because I’m wearing his ears.”

Krentz opens his mouth but no noise comes out. He stares and panic crosses his face, “O-Okay, I’ll do whatever you say.”

“Yeah that sounds like a good plan.” Steve says, standing, and hauling Krentz along with him. The human groans to his feet. “Alright, then, Krentz, lead us to where your boss and our friend Floon is.”

“It’s- it’s just down this hallway and around the corner.” 

They leave the lavatory room, Steve still clutching at the man's shirt. He’s ready to kill him the moment he tries anything, but Krentz is all too aware of this.

“Is there anybody else in the room that we’re going to?” Stephanos asks as he closes the door to the lavatory and slides the sofa (with difficulty, because of his size) back across it.

“Grum’shaw’s gonna be there. And,” Krentz gasps and pauses dramatically, “And I think  _ Nihiloor _ . The mind flayer.”

The group are quiet for a minute, soaking in the drama of the name. Stephanos recovers with a bored shrug,

“Okay, I say we just murder this dude in cold blood right now so he doesn’t just join us in the fight against us later on.”

It’s abrupt, from Stephanos, and the others look at him in surprise. 

“We need him to get them in a uh- in a comfortable setting, though.” Steve counters, “He goes in there, starts striking up a conversation, we could pick off at least one of those other two.” 

“Wait  _ or _ we could send him in, see if he could convince them to leave, then we can just grab Floon and leave.” Qezza suggests.

“Yeah but what if those two come after us later?” steve points out, “It’s too risky.”

“How about…” Stephanos is frowning, gently tapping a finger to his lips in thought, “How about, Steve, we kill this man, take off  _ his face _ , put it on your face. And you try and convince them using his face-”

He’s cut off by a bundle of voices. 

“No no no no.” Krentz begs.

“Jesus Christ.” Steve says.

“I mean, or we could draw a load of eyes on Steve’s face like tattoos, that could work.” Renaer mutters.

Steve straightens, at this. He’s going to do the opposite of anything Renaer Neverember suggests.”Yeah, you know what, Stephanos, that’s actually a pretty good idea, I like where your head’s going.”

“I don’t like where  _ my  _ head’s going.” Krentz mumbles disdainfully. 

“Oh, you got a better idea?” Steve snaps, “\you better start spitting out a better idea.” 

Krentz stumbles over thoughts. His mind, understandably no longer works and he’s frantic, “Uh-h, what if, what if, uh, uh, um, ummm…”

“It might be face carving time.” Steve says with a smirk.

“Yes, yes, yes, let’s murder his face.” Stephanos agrees.

Krentz groans.

“Qezza,” Stephanos says, “Make his death uh, uh painless. Just kill him, immediately.”

Qezza nods and begins to pull out her rapier. Steve raises a hand to stop her.

“You know what, Stephanos? I think it’s time you become a man here. I think it’s time that you actually- I mean it’s your plan-  _ you  _ kill him.” 

Stephanos swallows and takes a breath, “Okay, you know what? I will.”

“Jesus christ.” 

“Bit eager.” Qezza says.

Stephanos steps forward as Steve pushes Krentz to his knees. The halfling stands over him, fumbling with the rapier in his hands. 

“I’m so sorry.” Stephanos says, “I’m so sorry for you and your family and uh, your children and you’re mother-”

“No no no no no.” Krentz begs. It makes Stephanos falter. 

“This is something that we must do.” He continues anyway.

“No, no, please. I’ll go in.” Krentz promises desperately, “I’ll be real convincin’”

Stephanos bites his lip. Krentz eyes are wide and so alive. And the rapier feels heavy in his hands. His heart is beating loudly and, in the back of his mind, he remembers his family. He remembers his mother pouring him with love, his father telling him he was good and gentle and kind.

“I can’t do it.” He lowers the rapier, “I can’t do it, guys, I’m looking him in the eyes and I’m thinking about his family and I just, can’t…”

“Alright, yeah I thought so.” Steve lets go of Krentz who sighs in relief, and stands beside Stephanos. He takes the halfling’s rapier carefully from his hands and nudges him away with a gentle hand on his shoulder. “I guess it will have to be me.” He turns to Krentz and his eyes darken. 

“No.  _ No  _ please.” Krentz stumbles to his feet, but he’s weak on them, wobbly.

“I’m going to hug him while you kill him.” Stephanos says, “So he at least feels some sort of love before he dies.”

“Jesus.” Steve says quietly, “Are you sure that’s a good idea, Stephanos, I mean-”

“No, I’m doing it.” Stephanos kneels on the ground and wraps his arms around the man's legs. “I’m sorry sir. I’m sorry!” 

Steve decides it might be easy to ignore him (although of course that’s easier said than done), and twirls the rapier in his hands. “Hey, buddy, I’m sorry about this.” He tells Krentz gently. His voice is smooth and warm, Krentz almost believes he’s sorry. “Time to clock out.”

He raises the rapier and stabs Krentz right through the bottom of the head, turning his head into a kind of pike. Blood starts pouring from the man’s mouth and Renaer turns to the corner and starts vomiting. Stephanos continues hugging Krentz’ legs and squeezes his eyes shut as the blood begins to pour over his head. 

He’s gone, Steve watches in satisfaction as the last glimmer of life slips from his dark eyes. He slides his rapier back out the man’s head and looks down at Stephanos. 

“It’s okay.” He tells him gently. When Stephanos doesn’t respond he adds, “Stephanos stop hugging his legs, we gotta take his face off, after all this is your plan.”

“He had a family!”

“He actually never really said-” Qezza starts, but Stephanos’ cries cut her off.

“When my father was murdered, it was probably just like this!”

“Ohh.” Qezza bends down to the halfling, “But it’s okay, come on, Stephanos pull yourself together.”

Renaer is leaning against the wall, staring at the blank wall opposite, not making eye contact with any of them, and silently weeping. 

“Renaer,” Steve says, “take Stephanos into the other room.”

“Yeah, you guys go connect, you guys go have a moment.” Qezza helps up and away Stephanos from the body.

“Yeah go have a  _ moment  _ with him.” Steve adds, watching Stephanos drag himself across the room. 

“Okay, yes.” Renaer says, trying to compose himself. He wraps an arm around Stephanos shoulders, holding him tightly and taking him out the room and into the neighbouring one. 

He sits Stephanos against the far wall and then slides down beside him. They’re both silent and stare at nothing. Then Stephanos rests his head on Renaer’s shoulder and closes his eyes. 

“You must think me a terrible person.” Stephanos says quietly. 

“What? No!”

“But this  _ was  _ my idea.” 

“Well you didn’t go through with it though.” Renaer points out. He takes his arms and wraps it around Stephanos’ shoulders. 

“He’d still be alive if it weren’t for me.” 

“He’d still be  _ alive _ if Steve didn’t kill him.” Renaer counters, “Besides, Stephanos, he didn’t seem like a good guy.”

“Oh, I’m sure he wasn’t.” Stephanos agrees, “When we first met him, he was fighting with this half orc, Yagra. She might have started it though, but she called him the scum of the city.”

“I suppose if he’s Xanathar then… it’s kind of true.” Absentmindedly, Renaer threads his fingers through Stephanos’ hair.

“So you think he deserved to die?” Stephanos asks, sitting up and looking at the gentleman. 

“Well, maybe not… quite in  _ that  _ way, but uh..” Renaer smiles slightly at Stephanos, “He certainly wasn’t innocent.”

Stephanos nods, and settles his head back into Renaer’s shoulder. He’s warm and soft, and he needs to be held. And he likes the way Renaer weaves his fingers through his curls, slowly, gently, like a whisper, like a breeze.

In the other room, Steve wipes sweat from his forehead with his sleeve, and admires his carving work. A perfect disguise; probably his best, in fact. 

“Hey Qezza, could you take his body and throw it in the acid pit, please?” 

“Sure.” the half orc drags the body across the floor, ignoring the horrifying blood trail, and pushes, inelegantly, the body into the pit of grey goo. It doesn’t splash, but squelches and the body slowly sinks, mingling with the goblin and Zemk remains. 

“Oh, and er, while you’re there,” Steve adds, “can you throw Stephanos in the acid pit too?”

“Absolutely not.” Qezza says, leaving the lavatory room and closing the door tightly. 

“Alright, worth a try.” Steve says, standing from the floor after making the finishing touches to the mask.

“Hey, come on I know you don’t mean that.” Qezza hauls the sofa back across the door and walks over to him, “If Stephanos ended up in that pit you’d be the first to jump in and rescue him.”

Steve frowns at her, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” he lies. When Qezza raises an eyebrow he clears his throat and changes the subject, “Alright, let’s go out into the other room now.”

He leaves, Qezza watches him in mild amusement before heading out as well, not glancing back at the state of the floor. 

As Steve enters the other room, Stephanos and Renaer stand up and brush themselves free of the dust and grit from the ground. They’ve both composed themselves, and put on brave smiles. 

“Hey, look at Steve.” Qezza says, “He can look like that guy now, it’s as if he never died!”

To demonstrate, Steve slips the mask over his head. It fits, but tightly (it is  _ not  _ comfortable,feels wet, but not with sweat). 

“Hey look at me Stephanos! I’m alive you don’t have to cry anymore.” Steve imitates.

Stephanos can’t help but laugh a little. 

“I’m gonna go home and see my family and read them a nice bedtime story, does that make you feel better?” Steve rips off the mask and speaks again in his own voice, “Just kidding, it’s me, Steve. Remember you did this.”

Stephanos shoves him lightly, but a smile’s breaking through. To Steve, sappily, it brightens the whole room. 

Renaer watches them. It’s a wonder that Stephanos can switch so quickly, he doesn’t get it. He thought he did, but he doesn’t anymore because even with a crush- he forgives Steve so easily? It makes no sense, this whole group makes no sense, and he’s questioning all of his decisions leading to this point. 

“Are we…” He starts, “still going to  _ rescue  _ Floon?” He asks. He wouldn’t be surprised at this point if they changed their mind and simply killed his friend. 

“Yes, we are still going to rescue Floon.” Qezza says, like it’s obvious. 

“Oh, okay.” 

“Yeah his celebrity friend is meant to be paying us a lot of money for this.” Steve says, slipping the mask back over his head, “And if he doesn’t pay, I’ll be getting the money from you.”

This feels unfair, but Renaer swallows and nods, “I’ll pay you whatever you want if you just leave me alone for the rest of my life.” He tells him. 

“Sounds good.” Steve says, then marches across the room, “Let’s go down the hall.”

The group (some with more reluctance than others) follow Steve down the corridor, all as quiet as possible, until they hear mumbling voices and come to a door. Steve stops abruptly, and the group one by one crash into each other, almost like a set of dominoes, only they manage to stay standing. 

Steve puts his hand on the door knob, rehearsing Krentz voice in his head. He opens the door onto a large room. Threadbare curtains hang on the right wall. In the middle of which, a muscular half orc in dingy robes stands with his foot on the chest of a male human with wavy red-blonde hair. Fire burns around the orc’s clenched fist and his victim cries and squirms helplessly beneath him. 

Seated on a raised platform at the back of the room is a nightmarish figure wearing black robes. It has large white eyes and rubbery, purple skin with four tentacles encircling its inhuman mouth. It cradles and gently caresses what looks like a disembodied brain with feet.

All parties turn to look at Steve in the doorway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is edited adequately? but uh, some of the descriptions shane wrote for this ep confused me (who says west instead of 'on the right' idgi) but hope it makes sense??  
> also this is a day early bc i didn't procrastinate so much but ALSO !! i reached 500 followers on twitter and felt y'all deserved a thanks (i assume most readers come from there but my @ is ryanbxrgaras btw)  
> anyway thanks for the support as always, ily all so much!


	7. Deathbed Confessions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A fight, A confession, A family of halflings

“I say, hello gentlemen!” Steve says, in a voice too high pitched to be his own but not exactly krentz’ voice either. He continues regardless, “Gruumshar, look what I found down in the sewage tunnels. These three miscreants, trying to sneak into our palace.” 

Everyone in the room stares at him, and Gruumshar’s foot lifts only slightly off of the body beneath him. Not enough for the man to move but enough for his pain to ease. Gruumshar furrows his brow at Steve and says, gravelly,

“Why are you disturbing me? I told you not to come in here.” 

Steve swallows, “Yes but I thought that this might be of import because I found these three out here trying to break in to find the very fellow that your foot is upon.” He explains. 

“I’m in the middle of interrogating this idiot here, you’re going to- you’re going to anger the master.” Gruumshar says.

“Well I don’t know where to put them! I was hoping I could keep them in here. That way you could keep an eye on them.” Steve continues but his voice has slipped. And the mask slips down a little and covers his eyes. 

It’s suddenly completely obvious, to everyone in the room, that this isn’t Krentz. That this is a horrifying trick, a plot. The mind flayer at the back of the room, this very imposing, nightmarish figure, lets out a shriek and begins making his way to the double doorway on the left side of the room. The sound rattles around the room and makes the group all cover their ears.

The creature the mind flayer had been cradling- an Intellect Devourer- leaps from his arms and begins to charge at Qezza. Steve removes his mask, smiling as he walks further into the room. 

“Well it appears we have beef.” He throws Krentz’ face onto the floor and it lands with a slap, and Gruumshar sees the shine of Steve’s eyes, “But luckily they call me the butcher.” 

“Oh my god.” Qezza says with a sigh. He’s distracted her, however, and the little brain-like creature swipes at her, a claw scraping down her leg. 

It falls back to the ground and starts to vibrate a bit. It looks hungry, like it’s about to pounce on his prey. Renaer swings at it but the thing dodges out the way with a snarl. Qezza takes a swing too, and connects well with its side. There’s a sort of wet  _ thunk _ as she hits it, and it flies across the room, rolling past Gruumshar, and hitting the wall. It squeaks, but recovers quickly, scrambling back onto its clawy little feet, a bit worse for wear, but all the more angry.

Gruumshar’s hand suddenly lights up, bright and fiery orange, and he fires it at the group, who disperse around the room to dodge out the way. From where he’s landed on the floor, Stephanos throws a firebolt right back. It’s Gruumshar’s turn to jump out the way, abandoning Floon in the process. The flame hits the curtain and sets it at once aflame. The room heats up and the sound of fire roars around them. 

“Stephanos! Put it out!” Steve yells.

It’s stopped the mind flayer dead in his tracks too. He stares at the fire.

“I can’t reach up there, you know I’m tiny!” Stephanos replies.

“ _ God sake _ .” Steve hurries across the room and reaches up to where the flames are blackening, now, the top of the curtain. He bashes the flames out with his sword and turns back around. “Where were we?” 

Renaer and Qezza are taking it in turns swinging at the seemingly invincible brain, and Stephanos dodges another firebolt from Grummshar, this one flying out the open door and down the tunnel. And the Mind Flayer is staring Steve down. The bard can’t tell if he’s grateful that he put out the fire, or mad about it. He smiles, though, slides his bag off his shoulder and rummages. He finds his horn, this time, and plays a jazz riff as the battle continues around him. He suddenly has all the mind flayer’s attention. He stares unblinking and unmoving as Steve continues until the end of the tune. With a grin, he pulls the horn from his mouth. 

“You like that?” He asks the mind flayer who is still yet to move, “Got any notes?” when the creature still doesn’t falter, he says, “Speechless, yeah I thought so.”

Interrupting this staring contest, is a shout, from across the room. Steve turns to see Renaer on the floor, staring aghast at a deep long gash on his leg. It’s clear that it’s the Intellect Devourer’s work, and Qezza, using her sword like a golf club, hits it across the room once more. Renaer is screaming and screaming at his mangled legs. 

The creature begins to charge towards him again, screeching. Renaer vaguely swings his sword at it and misses.

“Wow, so glad we kept you along.” Steve says sarcastically from across the room. 

Qezza brings her great sword down onto the creature’s back, making a cut but not enough to slice it through. It squeals, trembles a little more, then leaps at her, snapping it’s large teeth. She falls to the ground, the creature trying to claw at her throat. She throws it off and it runs back across the room.

“Disgusting.” Steve says, watching it scuttle passed him, “Scurrying away like a little rat.”

While the bard distracted watching the creature, Gruumshar throws a dagger at him, from where he’s standing back over Floon’s body, holding him down again. But Steve’s quicker than that, slides out of the way so that the dagger clatters into the wall and falls to the floor. 

“Nice try,  _ Grim _ shaw.” Steve snarls. 

Having watched the attempt on his best friend, Stephanos is flooded with anger and he raises his crossbow at the orc- who reminds him much of the man that killed his family- and shoots. It hits him cleanly in the shoulder and Gruumshar stumbles back on it’s impact. He takes a few deep breaths, and, though blood pours from the wound, he’s still up and ready to fight back. 

“Wow, good for you, Stephanos, you actually hit something.” Steve says.

“Good shot.” Qezza agrees. Stephanos beams. 

Meanwhile, and rather eerily, the mind flayer still stares at Steve. Hasn’t moved. Uncomfortable and frankly fed up with the stares, Steve takes his rapier and sticks it straight up the mind flayer’s nostril. Still, the creature doesn’t flinch, but he does grow angry. His glaring eyes begin to turn white, then bright white, and glares into Steve’s.

Steve stares back defiantly. His eyes are dark. As dark as when he killed the goblin, Chesby, as dark as when he killed Krentz.

The mind flayer’s eyes fade back to their gentle brown. Satisfied, Steve smiles. 

A cry wipes the smile off his face. A cry from Stephanos as he falls to the stone floor, the Intellect Devourer atop of him. Snapping at his neck. The halfling rolls and struggles, desperately trying to push the creature off and failing. 

“No!” Steve didn’t mean to yell. But now he knows how Chesby must have felt; being stabbed in the heart. The word pours from his mouth like blood. 

He hurries over but by the time he reaches Stephanos, Renaer has swung his sword and hit the brainy creature far away from him. He tries not to be jealous, that he wasn’t the one to save him, but the feeling passes quickly, anyway, because he sees the blood pouring from just below Stephanos’ neck. 

“But I’m so tiny.” Stephanos squeaks out, “How could he- how could he have seen me?” 

Steve doesn’t know what to do. He wants to hold him. He wants to do something, anything, but the bleeding won’t stop. His hands are shaking. He tears off his cape and bunches it up before pressing into Stephanos’ wounds- his throat, his chest. 

“Heal yourself.” He tells him, “Come on idiot, heal yourself.” He wraps an arm over Stephanos’ body, to his waist, and hauls him onto his lap.

“ _ Can’t _ .” Stephanos replies. 

Distantly Steve is aware of Renaer swinging around blindly at the Intellect Devourer that dodges everytime out of the way.

“Renaer, please.” He snaps. There’s such a snarl to his voice that Renaer flinches, “Stop.” 

Qezza, who’d been intensely fighting with Gruumshar, takes a moment to turn, when the Intellect Devourer snaps at her ankles. She slashes it. It looks pretty fatal, and the thing limps away. Gruumshar tosses a firebolt, she moves but it catches her shoulder. Only slightly does it spark. She hisses and taps the fire out, continues to sword fight him. 

Stephanos groans and Steve snaps his eyes back down to him.

“Shut up, shut up, you’ll only make it worse if you make a sound.” Steve tells him, but his tone is soft and half a whisper. 

“No, but I- but I-” The halfling struggles to keep his eyes open, and writhes a little on Steve’s lap, as though to try and shake off the pain. “I just want to say, to all of you.” He speaks as loudly as he can, even though it feels like his whole body is on fire, “We were- the best of friends.”

“Aww.” Qezza says, knocking the sword from Gruumshar’s hands. She shouts back, “We love you too buddy!”

“And I remember- The Yawning Portal- like it was yesterday.” 

Steve sniffs, pulls Stephanos impossibly closer, “It  _ was  _ yesterday, dummy.” 

It feels like forever, though, since they met. There’s no life without Stephanos anymore. 

The Intellect Devourer slashes at Renaer, who’s wobbly on his legs because of the gash. But he swoops his sword harshly down on it’s back and finally slices it in two. Both halves contort wildly, squirming, legs frantically twitching. Until, slowly, blood runs out of it and both halves deflate, looking quite like Krentz’ face lying on the other side of the room. 

There’s a moment of silence as everyone watches this. And then Qezza and Gruumshar continue to battle, and Renaer falls down at Stephanos’ side. Steve wants to push him away, he’s not part of their journey, not really. 

“It  _ hurts _ .” Stephanos whines, squeezing his eyes shut tight, “Steve, Steve.” He vaguely reaches his hand up to Steve’s face, brushing his cheek.

“Yeah, I’m here.  _ Shhh _ I’m here, I’m here, you’re gonna be fine.” He takes Stephanos hand in his own and pulls it back down onto the halfling's tummy. He doesn’t let go. 

“No, Steve. Steve.” Stephanos chokes out, breaking the silence. “I have something to say to you, Steve.”

“No, no don’t talk.” Steve’s voice trembles, though. He tightens his grip on the halfling’s hand and the sound of the battle fades out like a faint ringing in his ears.

“I’m  _ sorry,”  _ Stephanos says and Steve’s heart jolts and he rethreads their fingers. Both their hands are wet. He’s not sure if it’s blood or sweat or both but Steve doesn’t care, “for all the mean things I said to you. You’re-”

Steve leans closer to him, jaw tight- he’s trying not to let it tremble, “Don’t. Don’t, you don’t have to say,  _ that-  _ you don’t have to talk. It’ll only make us both look like fools when you don’t die.” 

“No. No you’re-” Stephanos closes his eyes and pain flashes across his face, “you’re my best friend.”

“I know.” Steve says quickly, “I know,  _ shhh _ . I accept your apology, we- you’re gonna be okay, yeah? You’re gonna be okay.” He finds his lips taste, suddenly, of saltwater and his cheeks are wet and his eyes sting. “Listen,” Steve says, urgently when Stephanos pales and his eyes close. He shakes him slightly, “Listen, come on, I know I’m hard on you but you’re- you’re fine.”

“I’m really sorry-” Stephanos replies weakly, eyes still closed.

“Don’t. Don’t.” Steve doesn’t think he could squeeze the halfling's hand any tighter, “And hey, hey listen.” He shakes Stephanos slightly so he opens his eyes a crack. Steve manages a grin and says, “I’m not sorry for anything I said.”

Stephanos smiles back, at the glint in Steve’s eyes, at the tears on Steve's cheeks, the hand pressing against his heart. He laughs a little, a light, exhausted, though-agony laugh. Steve chuckles too, squeezes Stephanos’ hand again.

The sound of a sword clattering to the floor makes Steve drag his eyes from Stephanos’ pained face, and Renaer is already turned to watch the fight, feeling like he’s invading a moment between the boys. They watch as Qezza charges at the orc with her great sword. She swipes it fast and harshly across the man’s throat, with such speed and agility that it almost seems as if this head just disappears. 

Where his head had been is now, merely, a red mist. It seems as if it has completely gone until everyone hears a  _ thunk _ . They look up and see that his head has actually hit the ceiling, popped off of him. And then it falls back down, with a squelch, back onto the body. The momentum causes the knees of the body to give way, and it slumps to the floor. The group watch the head roll away, coming detached once more. 

Then Qezza hurries down to Stephanos’ side, pushing Renaer a little out the way so she’s up by Stephanos’ head that rests against Steve’s lap. Steve’s crying. Qezza fumbles with her bag. 

“I have a potion. Somewhere.” She throws object after object from her bag until she finds the little bottle at the bottom of her bag. She pops off the cork lid and as good as thrusts the bottle against Stephanos’ lips.

The room is still as Stephanos swallows the blue liquid. Steve finds he’s holding his breath. The wounds heal over, suddenly, leaving not even a scar. All that’s left to show of the injury is the blood on the stone floor, and on Stephanos’ hands… and on Steve’s cape and Steve’s lap. 

Stephanos splutters back to health and sits up too quickly. “Woah!”

Steve immediately reaches a hand behind the halfling to steady him. “Careful, idiot.” He mutters. 

“Stephanos! You’re okay!” Qezza throws her arms around him, hugging him loosely. Stephanos smiles at her as she pulls away,

“Whew, you know, you know what I learnt from that, just now?”

Qezza rolls her eyes, “Of course, immediately you have a lesson.”

“Yeah, what did you learn from being unconscious?” Steve asks, relaxing a little. His hands have stopped shaking now, at least. 

“I learnt you must never hold back from what you want to say to everybody. Don’t hold back!” 

Steve’s heart skips a beat and he hates it. But he doesn’t hate seeing the light back in the halfling’s eyes, the colour in his cheeks, the excitement and bounce back in his words. He smiles slightly at him. He doesn’t think he’d fight it, this time. If Stephanos tells him... he’d tell the truth now. He would. But then Stephanos turns to Qezza.

“Qezza, I’ve had a massive crush on you since the beginning!”

Steve drops the hand that was still resting on the halfling’s back. And Qezza and Renaer chorus

“ _ Awww _ .”

“Yeah, I just, I haven’t been able to say it, yet, scared, and I... feel so inadequate with my tiny yet bangin’ bod-”

_ Stupid, stupid stupid _ . Steve turns away and looks at the slaughter spread across the room. The blood, the death. He wants to kill everything in here again and again and again.  _ How can he have been so stupid this whole fucking time?! _

“I mean I don’t know why you’d feel inadequate when you have a bangin’ bod…” Qezza points out.

Steve turns back to the group only to find Renaer’s eyes on him. He scowls back at him. His chest feels heavy. Strange. He’s not felt like that before. Stephanos’ blood is drying at the edges of his nails and he looks down and begins to pick at it.

“I just… I’m very conflicted, because I-” Stephanos glances at Steve, but Steve won’t look at him anymore. He looks back at Qezza, “You remind me of the half orc who killed my family. So now I’m, just, y’know, confused.” He blurts out. 

“Okay, well… I don’t think, physically, we would make sense. But I uh,” She glances over at Steve too. She’s never known him so empty of jokes, “But I appreciate the sentiment.” She says, back to Stephanos. “Also I’m a lesbian.”

“Oh.” Stephanos flushes. 

“Is that the first time someone’s essentially climbed up your body and professed their love for you?” Steve asks her. It’s a joke, or supposed to be, but it comes out more grumbly, more stiff than it should have. 

“Oddly enough, no.” Qezza replies.

“That figures.” Steve turns away and looks around the room again.

Off to the right, behind the half burnt curtains are two sleeping quarters. The double doors where the mind flayer must have fled through, are closed, no activity beyond them.

They hear a man groan. Floon. Qezza turns around,

“Floon are you okay? Do you know who you are?” 

Renaer is already beside his friend, helping him to sit up, “This is Floon alright. I’m glad he’s still alive- albeit only just.”

The man slumps against Renaer and barely opens his eyes. He’s breathing heavily. 

“I’ll cure him.” Stephanos says, crawling from Steve’s lap and making his way across the floor to Floon. He mutters his cure spell around the man’s body, and slowly, he comes to. 

“Oh, thank you, thank you.” Floon says, far more lively now. He sits up, giving Renaer a break from holding him up. “Who can I hug? Anyone, let me hug you.” He gathers them all into a hug. Renaer seems to be the only one remotely happy with this. Qezza pats his back lightly, tolerant. Stephanos, so small and only just cured, is squished, and Steve’s just unamused.

“Well this is great.” He says, with a voice conveying a completely opposite sentiment. 

Eventually Floon releases them all, “That Gruumshar. That rotten, rotten Gruumshar. He was uh, he was so embarrassed that he grabbed the wrong person that he took it out on me and beat the living pulp out of me in front of that nasty mindflayer.”

“Oh, well, don’t worry.” Qezza says, “I turned his head into red dust.” She nods at the carnage of the orc’s body in the middle of the room. 

Floon looks at it uncomfortably, “That’s pretty messed up.”

Qezza forces a laugh, “Yeah well, thank you, I appreciate that. Um. So it sounds like, Renaer, you are in a bit of danger here?” Qezza says. 

“Yes it seems like they were after me, for sure, yep.” Renaer says with a tight nod, “Uhhh, you know, not happy about that.” 

Steve can’t bear this man’s voice, “Uh, did the mind flayer say anything, Floon, did they say anything about their plan when they were beating you up?” 

Floon sighs, “No, I just- I saw he was- carrying some sort of stone orb? And I don’t know what he intended to use it for but he ran… he kept going in and out of those double doors over there.”

“A stone orb…” Steve echoes quietly, in thought.

“Do you know what they wanted Renaer for?”

Floon shrugs, “Something to do with his father.”

Qezza looks over at Renaer, “Seems like everyone wants you for that.”

Renaer throws his hands up. A kind of  _ what can I do _ , “I’m a famous man.” He says. 

_ Wow, how humble _ . Steve thinks, and stands up to pace the room. He isn’t sure what’s heavier, his mind or his heart. 

“Floon, we actually, need to bring you back to our friend Volo.” Stephanos tells him, “I’m sure you’re very familiar with him-”

“Volo?! Vol-”

“Yes.” Steve mutters with a sigh, running his finger along the wall. 

“Ohhh, you’re friends with volo!” 

“Yes, he sent us here to get you!” Qezza replies.

“Very sweet of him.” Floon says with a gentle smile, “He’s a good guy.” 

“Well, we have his father’s ashes.” Qezza points out. 

“Yeah we  _ hope  _ he’s a good guy.” Steve says, “because he owes us some money when we return with you.” He kicks at Gruumshar’s head and watches it roll a little way along the room until it hits the remains of the Intellect Devourer. 

“Not much money, I hope.” Floon says with a laugh, thinking he can’t be worth much.

“It’s quite a bit, actually.” Stephanos informs. 

“Yeah he owes us quite a bit.” Qezza agrees. 

“Oh.” Floon smiles a little. That’s nice, Volo wants him back this badly? “Well, I’m sure he’ll scrounge it up somehow.” 

“Yeah he said he was gonna be publishing another book so we- we are hopeful.”

“Yeah I’m sure it’s gonna be another best seller.” Steve mutters as he tears the burnt curtain down from the rail. He can feel Qezza’s scowl, but he ignores it. 

“Curious.” Floon mutters thoughtfully. 

“Well w-why do you say curious?” Qezz demands. 

“I mean it takes a while to publish a book,” Floon says with a laugh, “I saw he was still working on that manuscript but-”

“That’s exactly what I was saying before!” Steve says, throwing the curtain to the floor.

“Are you serious?!” Stephanos asks Floon, like it’s news that a book takes time to write. 

“You don’t publish those things overnight you know.” Floon says. 

“Thank you!” Steve says. Suddenly he likes this man, “Even this man, who  _ clearly  _ has some kind of CTE understands that.”

“Well I’m glad we took his father’s ashes then.” Qezza says. 

“Oh, yeah, and where could I cash those?”

“The ashes were your idea, Steve!” Stephanos points out. Steve just rolls his eyes and turns to the walls, walking around it once more. 

“Anyway, can you get me out of here?” Floon asks, “I don’t like it here.”

“Oh, yeah, sure!” Qezza says. She stands and, with Renaer’s help, helps Floon off the floor, “Let’s go through those double doors, they seem to be a quick exit.”

Steve can’t wait to get out of here. All the eyes on Krentz’ mutilated face stare up at him from the floor. Why did he do that? And Stephanos nearly- he pushes open the double doors and storms inside. 

It’s just a room. It is otherwise empty, besides from a stone pillar in the centre, carved with a small symbol- the circle and the spokes coming out of it like a cartoon sun. Only on the inside of this particular carving, is a smaller indentation that bears a passing resemblance to a lidless eye. 

“Curious.” Steve remarks but the others can tell his heart’s not really in it. He stalks back to the doors they’d just walked through, “Maybe we should just go back the way we came.”

“Nahhh.” Qezza says, “I feel good about this.”

Steve sighs and leans against the wall by the doors, “Alright.” 

He watches the group pour over the symbol. Qezza pokes it but it turns out not to be a button of any sort. Stephanos stands on tippy toes to get a closer look.

“That indentation.” Floon says, though Steve is barely listening, “It looks similar to the stone the mind flayer was carrying.”

Steve looks at his nails. There’s still blood dried onto them. He picks at it and mutters, “Yeah I thought that too but I didn’t want to bring it up because I kinda wanna leave.” 

“There must be an exit.” Qezza says, walking over to the walls, now. She presses her ear to one of them and listens.

“Yeah that mindflayer must have gone somewhere!” Stephanos agrees. 

It makes Steve feel all fluttery, Stephanos’ voice. He loves him. He nearly  _ died  _ and the others just don’t seem to care. How can they carry on like nothing ever happened? How can Stephanos carry on like they never had  _ anything _ ?

He hurriedly wipes a tear from the corner of his eye. His stomach feels all miserably queasy. Heavy, holding him down. The others continue to look around and he feels like sliding down to the floor, curling up into a ball, maybe crying. 

There’s not much else in the room. No secret door in the walls, no trap doors, no magic buttons. They all look clueless, and just as Qezza is about to propose they trudge back the way they came, Steve remembers his stroll around the other room,

“Hey you know I think I recall a fake piece of wall back there. Y’know, like a hidden door of sorts.” They all look at him in slight annoyance. Except Stephanos, he just looks warmly excited. “What?!”

“You tell us this now?!” Qezza asks.

“I forgot!” Steve says, “Look I’ll show you.”

They follow the bard back into the other room and to the wall in the far corner. He’s right. There’s the slightest, straight slit running vertically up the wall. Like a crack between a wall and a door. Steve gives it a harsh shove, then another, and the wall flies open. A tunnel stretches out in front of them. 

Steve lets the others go first and closes the door behind him. It’s a dingy looking corridor, cold and dark but not so dirty underfoot. The others hurry ahead but Steve hangs back. He’s not sure how to act around Stephanos anymore and it’s making his chest ache. He kicks a loose stone across the floor and scowls at the ground. 

“You alright?” It’s Renaer, slipping back from the others. Stephanos and Qezza help Floon up the passage ahead of them- he’s weak, tired. 

Steve frowns at the ground, “I’m fine dude.” 

“Really? Because your reaction to what Stephanos said earlier- to Qezza-”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Renaer continues regardless. “If it’s any consolation, you know, I thought he liked you too.”

“Shut up.” 

“I’m just saying, man, it’s okay if you’re upse-”

“I said shut  _ up _ !” Steve shoves Renaer up against the wall suddenly, pressing him against the stone. Renaer’s eyes are wide and his face has paled. “Listen here, pretty boy… whatever you  _ think  _ I feel, you’re wrong. You’re not even in the ballpark.” He sneers. 

“Okay.” Renaer shrinks against the wall. Steve’s arm is pressed against his throat and any air that reaches his lungs feels suddenly sacred. 

“You know, we were gonna trade you. For Floon. All this time, we were lying to you, gonna betray you. But we took pity. Changed our plan for you.” He pauses and gives Renaer’s body another harsh shove into the wall, “ _ Don’t.  _ Make me regret that.”

Renaer, still wide eyed and panting frantically, manages a nod.

“Steve!” Qezza is hurrying back down the corridor, “What are you doing?”

Steve releases Renaer’s body from against the wall, and he slumps back to the ground with a relieved exhale of breath. “Nothing.” Steve answers Qezza, although he’s still watching Renaer, “We’re all good here.”

Renaer nods over at Qezza, “Right.” He agrees, but hurries to catch up with the others, letting Steve hang back on his own this time. 

“Wait.” Steve calls the others back. “Look at this.”

The piece of wall he’d pushed Renaer up against has cracked, like another hidden doorway, and a glimmer of light shines through a vertical crack. 

“A way out?” Qezza asks. 

Steve gives it a shove, but he isn’t strong enough and Qezza pushes the other end of it. Something must be pushed against it on the other end because it takes some shifting before it finally falls forward. It lands at an angle, leaning against whatever was put in front of it, but it’s enough of a gap for the group to scramble through.

They appear to be in a basement of some sort. A cellar, perhaps. There are a bunch of barrels around but besides this, there is nothing much else besides a stairwell heading upwards. 

“See!” Qezza says, “I knew there’d be a short cut!”

Steve rolls his eyes, “This was still my find!”

They head up the stairs. Somehow, Steve ends up at Stephanos’ side. He doesn’t know what to say anymore. At the top of the stairs, the door opens into what appears to be a cosy little home. They’re in a corridor, and there are some halfing children running around, seemingly playing some game amongst themselves. At the sight of the group emerging from the cellar they all scream. 

“Mother! Mother! Father! There are strangers in our basement!”

The youngest child begins to cry. Some scatter into other rooms, run to find their parents. 

A man and a woman emerge from a room down the small corridor, and look very scared. There is suddenly an awful lot of people in their tiny home and the hallway is congested- no one can move. 

“We don’t want no trouble.” The halfling woman trembles, holding her hands up, “P-please, leave us alone.” 

“Stephanos, they’re halflings,” Qezza nudges Stephanos’ shoulder, “you talk to them!”

Stephanos just stares. He opens his mouth to speak and then shuts it again. This house. Full of children, and warmth and love and- it’s like home. His eyes begin to water and he turns himself into Steve’s side and buries his head into the bard’s neck. Feeling suddenly hot, Steve lightly wraps an arm around him. 

“He’s an orphan,” Steve explains vaguely, “This is- he misses his family.”

“Okay,” Qezza says with a sigh, “We’re just- we’re just leaving, that’s all. There was a- there’s a secret entrance, in your basement, we’re here by mistake, we’ll just leave, we’ll just leave now. We’re sorry. But there is a hole in your basement, you’ll wanna seal that up.”

“Oh we will!” The mother assures, “I did not know that was there!”

“Hey Steve?” Stephanos asks, lifting his head slightly from where it’s pressed into the bard’s neck.

“Mm?” Steve asks, not aware of the others turning to watch them.

“You really need a shower.” Stephanos replies. 

“Hey!” Teasingly, Steve pushes Stephanos off of him, “We all need a shower, Cotton, just because you’re stuffing your face into my neck, doesn’t mean I’m the only one that smells bad-”

“You’re worse!” Everyone else tells him in a chorus. 

He looks up and scowls at them all, “Unbelievable-”

“W-why do you all smell so-  _ bad _ ?” The lady asks them.

“The sewers.” Qezza replies, like it’s an entire explanation. 

The halfling mother opens her mouth then closes it again, “O-oh.” She says, “Well, you all look rather worse for wear, how about you all take it in turns to shower and I’ll rustle up some tea-”

“ _ Jamfeld _ .” The man beside her speaks up, “We can’t just let five strangers-”

“Oh, Murwyck, look at them.” Jamfeld gestures over to the group. They do look terrible. Their clothes are ragged, Renaer’s leg is still gammy, they all have ripped clothes and the odd unhealed gash. And they all smell terrible. Their boots on the carpet- it’s hard for Jamfeld not to scream at the mess they’re making. “We cannot turn them away like that!”

Murwyck sighs, “Alright, alright, but they are not to go near the children. In fact, while they wait for their wash they can help me fix the wall.”

“Of course!” Qezza says.

“Absolutely.” Renaer agrees and the others add grateful murmurs too. 

*

Steve showers first, and he feels better afterwards, he can’t remember the last time he felt so refreshed. And this hair wash the halflings use has worked wonders on his hair- is that why Stephanos’ hair reminds him of cotton- soft and fresh? He smiles at the thought of him. Maybe he’ll like him a bit better now he’s all cleaned up. 

He pads down the stairs, and childish shrieks fill the house. Thinking that, potentially, the children are being murdered he hurries into the front room, only to see possibly five children in a bundle on the floor, laughing and shouting at whatever or whoever is underneath them. 

Stephanos pops his head up above the mob of children. “Hi Steve.” He grins.

Steve looks on in bemusement and closes the door. “Hi…” He says, “Do you… need help?” 

“No! It’s fun!” Stephanos replies as his head slips back under the pile of children.

Steve can’t even tell what’s happening. One of the children is shouting  _ “His leg! His leg! Get his leg!” _ and a young boy pounces. Stephanos yelps and laughs a little. 

“Well. The shower’s free.” Steve says.

“Ok!” Stephanos says, then goes back to talking to the kids, “I’ll get you back!” 

Steve watches hands grab one of the kids, tickling them. The kid giggles, writhes. Steve smiles slightly. There’s a minute or so more of this scramble until Stephanos surrenders,

“Okay, okay, I’m done, I’m done.” He emerges to his feet and children slip from his arms and his waist, all groaning at once,

“ _ Awwwhhhh _ .” 

“It’s okay, it’s okay, because Steve here can take over.” Stephanos says, walking towards the bard still standing against the door, “Right Steve?”

“What? No I don’t-” He glances at the kids, a total of seven, now they’re all untangled. He turns back to Stephanos and hisses, “ _ I don’t know how to deal with kids _ .”

“It’s easy,” Stephanos says, opening the door, making Steve move further into the room. “They deal with you.” With that, Stephanos slips out the room.

“But what does that- Stephanos, I don’t know what that means!”

“You will!” Stephanos shouts back, already heading up the stairs. 

“Okay…” Steve edges a little closer to the kids, “Hi. I’m Steve, as you heard, I don’t know what you want to-”

“Now!” The oldest of the kids shout.

At once the halflings all leap at Steve, pushing him to the ground. He screams as he falls. The children squeal in delight. It explains a lot, though, Steve thinks, about Stephanos, if  _ this  _ is how he grew up.

*

It’s sometime later when Stephanos returns. And he’s impressed to see that Steve has managed to change up the game play. They’re all sitting in front of him on the floor, watching him excited and wide eyed, leaning forward in suspense at the man holding a book with both hands, reading from it.

Steve is animated. It makes sense, Stephanos supposes for he  _ is  _ a bard and he  _ is  _ an actor, but every character has a different voice and the children all laugh and squeal in delight. 

Stephanos didn’t think he could feel  _ more  _ for Steve. But right now he could cry, with the love bursting inside of him.

“Hey.” Steve says when he turns the page and looks up. He didn’t notice him enter at first, too engrossed in the story, “Want a bedtime story, Stephanos?” 

The children have also all turned to him, called him in delight,

“Stephanos!” 

One of them hurries over to him and wraps their arms around his legs. Stephanos smiles and picks her up, “Hey Rhia!” Stephanos greets, carrying the child across the room and sitting beside Steve on the sofa. 

“Will you tell the story too?” One of the kids asks from the floor. 

Stephanos glances at Steve as though asking the question to him. Steve shrugs, 

“Sure if you want.” He nudges the book in between the two of them, “Where are the others by the way?”

“Oh, fixing the basement wall. I said I’d watch the kids. I’m too tiny to be of much use.”

Steve rolls his eyes, “Just because you’re short, doesn’t mean you’re not strong.”

Stephanos shrugs, “Well secretly I’d rather play with the kids.” He says, quietly, but purposely loud enough for all the children to hear. He bounces Rhia on his lap and she beams. 

“Steve, continue story!” One of the kids on the floor begs. The others all chime in in agreement.

“Alright, alright.” Steve says with a smile, and resumes his storytelling voice, feeling all the warmer, for Stephanos being beside him. 

*

The children are torn between upset and excitement when Jamfeld calls everyone for tea. They want to listen to Steve tell them story after story, even though it’s books they’ve all read hundreds of times. But they’re also hungry, and push and shove their way to the bathroom to watch their hands. 

It’s good to see Qezza again, and perhaps even Renaer. The past few days they’ve barely spent a minute apart from Qezza, especially.

“Wow, Steve, you actually don’t smell bad for once.”

“Okay, alright, that joke’s over, Qez.” Steve replies on their way into the dining room. 

“It was never a joke.” Qezza says.

The table is long, and Jamfeld is slipping another chair on the corner at the far end of it. “Now, I’ve had to add the odd chair, so sorry if it’s a bit of a squeeze.” 

“Oh, no problem no problem!” Qezza promises.

“I’m gonna sit next to Stephanos!” Comes a voice bustling into the room.

“No me! I’m sitting next to Stephanos!”

“Well I’m next to Steve!”

“Now way, Ricky, I am!” 

“No me!”

“Mika don’t push me!”

“I was first!”

“Hey!”

“Children!” Jamfeld says, separating one fight between the kids with one hand, and another fight with the other. “No fighting, or none of you will sit next to either of them.” There’s a start up of objections amongst the lot. 

“Okay, alright, we can have two people next to us, can’t we, and we can have the rest of you opposite us, we can make it work.” Stephanos assures.

It’s a little bit of a mess, but eventually everyone is seated and tucking into wonderful vegetable soup. Everyone is loud, and excited. Floon and Renaer tell, sparing the gory details in front of the children, their adventures, Qezza discusses with Murwyck and Jamfeld the wall in the basement, and Stephanos and Steve answer the millions of questions the children ask them. About music and stories and their families and their favourite animals. Favourite colours. 

Steve’s never been in a home like this. So huge, full of children, full of love. And he thinks then, that perhaps, he hasn’t been in a  _ home  _ at all. Just him and his mother and four walls. Trying to survive. But this- he gets why Stephanos misses it so much. 

“Mummy, can Steve and Stephhynos read us more stories after tea?” Mika asks hopefully, one of the younger of the siblings. 

“It’s Ste _ phanos _ , Mika.” One of the elder girls tells him, poking out her tongue.

Mika frowns, “But can they mum?” 

Their father replies first, “I’m sure our guests will want to be leaving after dinner.” There’s an uproar of squeaky voices. 

“Murwyck…” Jamfeld starts.

“We don’t- we don’t mind.” Steve says, “Unless of course we’d be out staying our welcome.” Qezza and Renaer look at Steve in surprise. Steve frowns at them, “What?”

“Oh well you can all stay all night if you would like.” 

“ _ Jam _ .” Murwyck starts. He stands up and begins to collect everyone’s empty bowls. 

“Please let them stay, Daddy!” Rhia begs, pouting her bottom lip up at him. 

Murwyck sighs, his stack of plates growing almost to the height of him, “Alright. God knows where, though, we hardly have the room.”

“Oh, we’re fine on a floor.” Qezza assures. 

*

Qezza and Reaner (persuaded by Qezza, and rather begrudgingly so) help Jamfeld and Murwyck wash the dishes and clean the table. Floon sits in the other room as Steve and Stephanos tell their stories, but he nods off pretty quickly, snoring every once in a while, much to all the children’s delight. Stephanos feels it too though, the meal was satisfyingly filling but it’s made him exhausted. The entire day and night and day again have been exhausting, and he’s actually glad when Murwyck announces to the children that it’s bedtime.

“But dad, I’m not even tired!” Logan, the oldest son, complains.

“Oh yes you are, look at your pinky eyes. All of you come on, say goodnight.”

Reluctantly, all 7 children, one by one, hug Steve and Stephanos goodnight. Steve sighs when they’re gone, half relieved, half a little sad at the sudden silence of the room- even Floon’s snoring has ended, as he trudged up to bed too. He turns to his bag that is down behind the sofa, and takes his lute from where he’d wrapped it around the bag straps. He lifts it over the arm of the sofa and settles it onto his lap, beginning to play a mindless and gentle little tune. He knows that Qezza and Renaer have resided themselves into a spare bedroom upstairs, and they’re probably supposed to join them. But he’s eeking it out. 

Stephanos watches him play. They’re sitting closely, because they had been doing so to read the story books, and neither feel like moving. Steve is so wonderful. He’s seen a thousand sides of him today. He loves every single one (even the murderous one, it makes Stephanos feel kind of like he’s on fire). 

“Steve…”

The bard stops playing. Stephanos swallows,

“What I said earlier…”

The door opens. Rhia stands in the doorway.

“Hey, Rhia, honey, what’s the matter?” Stephanos asks her gently. 

“Yeah, why are you out of bed?” Steve demands. 

“One more story?” She says, pattering across the room.

“Are you sure?” Steve asks, “I don’t think your mother would be-”

“Please!”

“Just the one.” Stephanos says.

“Cotton…”

“What? She’ll probably fall asleep while you read!”

Steve takes a deep breath and sighs, “Fine, fine, go choose a story.” 

Delighted, Rhia hurries over to the bookshelf. Steve puts his lute back down by his bag and sits up. Rhia scurries over to him, clambers up onto Steve’s lap with a book clutched in one hand. She settles against the bard, but makes grabby hands to Stephanos and drags his hand over to her. She plays with his fingers.

“Okay, let’s see what story you chose,  _ ah, Mr Kenku’s Kite _ .” Steve opens the front cover and begins reading.

*

Jamfeld does a headcount of her children every night just before she sleeps. And tonight, after finishing counting children in the second bedroom, she only counts six. Rhia’s absent. She’s usually the one going walkabout.

She treads down the stairs and peers into the front room. Ah-ha!

The bard, Steve, is closing Rhia’s favourite book and resting it on the arm of the chair. And Rhia lies across his and Stephanos’ laps, sucking her thumb. Stephanos is asleep too, against Steve’s shoulder. Steve looks up when she enters.

“Sorry.” He whispers, “She made us.”

Jamfeld smiles, and creeps over, lifting her daughter off of the two boys, “No worries.” She whispers, “Would you and your boyfriend like to sleep down here? You’re welcome in the spare room with the others but it will be quite the squeeze.” 

“He’s not my- he’s just- it’s confusing but, yes, we’re fine down here, thank you.”

Jamfeld nods, “Alright, I’ll fetch you some blankets.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel? meh? about some of this chap. like the battle feels quite bitty and blunt to me but maybe that’s just me idk djfhfhf i’m tired of battle scenes tbh they’re tricky for me to write  
> but! besides that a wild chapter and there’s only one more (and, mayhaps, a prologue)


	8. Revenge of The Goblins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A return to the Yawning Portal comes with blth wanted and unwanted faces

Waking up to Renaer Neverember’s face hovering above you isn’t Steve’s preferred way to wake up. He groans and closes his eyes again.

“Breakfast’s on the table.” Renaer tells him. 

Steve sighs, moves his arm, quite forgetting it had been wrapped around Stephanos. He’s wide awake suddenly, too aware of Renaer, too aware of Stephanos, too aware of Renaer being aware of he and Stephanos falling asleep like  _ that _ . He sits up, making the halfling beside him stir too. 

“Where are you going, Steve?”He reaches out and pulls Steve back over to him, wrapping an arm around his waist.

Steve looks at Renaer in alarm, “ _ Renaer _ ,” he starts loudly, to wake Stephanos up, “good morning, fancy seeing you here.” 

“Breakfast.” Renaer repeats. He doesn’t understand these two. Steve’s almost embarrassed by  _ feelings  _ and Stephanos, he’s possibly completely oblivious. It’s hard to tell. 

At the word ‘breakfast’ Stephanos is suddenly wide awake. He slips from Steve’s side and tosses the blanket off of both of them. 

“Come on, Steve, I’m so hungry!” Stephanos tugs at his arm, trying to haul him from the sofa.

Steve rolls his eyes, “Alright, Cotton, I’m coming.” 

He goes to follow him, then glances at Renaer, “You never heard me call him that.”

Stephanos disappears from the room and Renaer throws his hands up in defence. Steve nods and heads to the door when Renaer speaks up again,

“He was lying, you know.”

Steve sighs and pauses. He turns around on his heels, “What are you talking about?” 

“When he said he liked Qezza. There’s no way that was true.”

Steve’s eyes narrow, “Didn’t I make it  _ very clear _ already, that I don’t want to talk to you about this.”

“I’m just  _ saying  _ that if you told him how you felt-”

“Renaer, why do you want to lose your head so  _ badly _ ?” Steve asks with a slightly mocking shake of his head. 

Renaer gulps, “I don’t.” He says quietly. 

“Good.” Steve says sweetly, “Then let’s go and get some breakfast, shall we?” 

Renaer nods and hurriedly follows Steve out the room. 

*

The kids are sad to see the group leave, although Murwyck cannot hide his relief, and his wife, while being perfectly welcomingly, is glad to no longer have an extra five mouths to feed. 

Qezza nudges Renaer and says, “Renaer, will you please give this lovely woman a piece of silver for her troubles.”

“Yes absolutely,” Renaer fumbles about his pockets, “Uh, you’ve been gracious hosts and we appreciate your kindness.” He places the silver piece into Jamfeld’s hand. Her eyes shine and she looks down at it.

“Thank you.” She says, “You’re always welcome back.”

“So Steve and Stephanos can read us more stories!” Rhia says. She’s clinging around Stephanos’ legs. 

Stephanos smiles, “Of course, I’m sure we can come and visit again.” He gently prises the girl away and both he and Steve give each of the kids a high five before they leave. 

It’s bright outside and they all blink in the light. They’ve not seen the sun- the trio since visiting The Skeward Dragon, Renaer and Floon possibly far longer, and it’s difficult to adjust, but welcome nonetheless. 

“Well.” Qezza says, “I suppose our journey is coming to an end.”

“And we’ve become the best of friends!” Stephanos says, slinging an arm around Steve, who grumbles and pushes his arm away. Stephanos grins, “He’s just kidding, we’re best friends. In fact, he even got my name tattooed o-on his behind!”

Steve’s eyes widen, “Nope. No that’s not- that’s not true.” He’s bright pink.

“When did that happen?” Qezza asks. 

“That happened, in the tunnels!” Stephanos replied. 

“It’s not true!” Steve says, “He’s lying! Don’t believe him! Hey, Qezza, now we’re in daylight, I can see you have quite the scar down your face, right across your eye.”

“Thank you.” Qezza beams. She’d noticed it in the mirror in the halfling’s bathroom and had been pretty proud of it. As far as battle scars go, it’s truly up there. Then her eyes quickly narrow, “Hey! Don’t change the subject.”

“From the tattoo? It’s all lies!” Steve insists.

“Sure, sure, well, who can say what happens when Renaer and I walk off to go investigate stuff and you guys are left alone.” Qezza teases lightly. Steve opens his mouth to retort but nothing comes out and he closes it again, still blushing profusely. 

They head north to the Yawning Portal. A few people meet the eyes of Renaer and seem to recognise him, but most people let them mind their own business, keep on moving. And Steve and Stephanos tease each other all the way up the road. Giving each other teasing shoves, and whispering things the others can’t hear. They’re completely insufferable, Renaer thinks. 

The Yawning Portal, when they finally haul open it’s great doors, is already bustling even though it is early. They had thought that perhaps they might have to wait around until Volo turned up but this is not the case. They scan the crowd and can easily spot Volo sitting at the bar, taking large gulps of a drink, seemingly a little anxious.

Stephanos, excited to see him, hurries up to the man, gets right up close to his face and yells, “Volo!”

The man half spills his drink over the counter, “Woah! Little close.” He says with a gentle laugh, hands very slowly easing Stephanos a few inches back. 

“Sorry, Volo.” Steve says, prizing Stephanos back a little further when he and the rest of the crew join them. 

“You remember your biggest fan?” Qezza says, glancing at Stephanos. 

“Yes…. what has happened here?” He looks between each of the trio.

“We have Floon!” Qezza says, beckoning the man over.

“Floon!” Volo’s eyes light up and he hurries across the tavern to give his friend a hug, “Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes!” He says, when he’s pulled from the hug and taken Floon’s face into his hands, giving him a furtive examination. “I thought I’d never see you again!”

Floon chuckles and replies, though it’s unclear to the group watching from the bar exactly what is being said. 

“Touching.” Renaer mutters. 

Volo wraps an arm around Floon’s shoulders, jolting him side to side slightly as he leads him to the bar, “Any drink, old friend, I will buy it for you!”

“Oh, well, this reunion is rather sweet,” Qezza interrupts, “but how about our payment?”

“Yes, yes, yes, of course.” Volo says, pulling out a chair for Floon and sitting himself in the one beside it, “As you know, I am a celebrity and we will get to that. But I think, first, let us uh, drink, to your arrival! Floon!” he turns back to his friend, “I-Incredible to see you.” Floon beams at him. 

Then, with a loud scrape of his chair that commands the room, Volo stands. “Ladies and Gentlemen!” he begins, holding up a glass, “Bend your ears and raise your eyes and Flaggards. While it is true that I may be the most renowned among us, being a celebrity,” he pauses to laugh and Steve rolls his eyes (earning a dig in the ribs from Stephanos), “but today, it is not I that deserves your undying adulation, no! It is these brave heroes.

“Qezza, the brave brute who never loses sight of the mission at hand. Stephanos, whose size is inversely matched only by his inspiring compassion. And Steve. Yes, they answered the call in a time when the call so often goes unanswered. And as a result, a good man- Floon!- has returned safely, to the Yawning Portal. 

“Please, bravest adventurers, for the sake of the people, tell us what perils you faced, what treachery you laid to righteous waste!” he lowers his voice so only they can hear, “Basically, give us the highlights so we can raise a toast and drink.”

“Well, Bard,” Qezza says, turning to Steve, “would you do the honours?”

“I’d feel a lot better about telling the story if I just saw that cash. You catch my drift, Volo?” Steve says, looking up at the so-called celebrity. Said so-called celebrity swallows.

“I- yes,” he lowers his glass, “I-I understand. Look, I confess,” the crowd begin to shout, calling for the story and he pauses and turns to them, raising a finger, “ha-hang on, everybody, you’ll hear that story in just a- just a second now.”

“Hey everybody!” Steve pipes up, “Everybody in this bar, take a look here, you’re about to watch this man- if you want to see what this man looks like without a head, you should come over here because-”

“Very good. That’s plenty.” Volo says with an awkward laugh, desperately cutting the bard off, “now, now, just er,” he glances pensively at the crowd, “just c-come over here a second.” he pulls them over to the wall, “I confess that I have few coins to spare. I didn’t get the manuscript out in time, that’s true,  _ but,  _ never let it be said that Volo reneges on a promise. Allow me to present something much more valuable.”

Volo holds out a scroll tube. “This is the deed to a remarkable property here in Waterdeep.” he pushes the deed into Qezza’s hand and she takes it cautiously. 

“How did you… come by it?” She asks slowly, unravelling the scroll. 

“Well, it’s a historic manor, it’s called the Troll Skull Manor up there in Troll Skull Alley and I bought it for a sum but it’s worth much  _ much  _ more than I paid for it. I propose that you stay there, perhaps use it as a uh- a base of operation as you continue to help the fair people of this city.”

Stephanos looks confusedly at Volo, “Are you giving us the house or are you just letting us stay there?”

“It’s all yours!” Volo assures. Stephanos doesn’t seem pleased with this, however.

“Yes but… Volo… I trusted you!” His voice breaks.

“Aw you’ve upset him.” Qezza tells Volo, giving Stephanos a gentle pat on the head, “You’ve upset Stephanos. 

“I thought you were going to give us money!” Stephanos says through sobs. 

“I thought you guys would enjoy this!” Volo says, voice half-shocked, “I thought it would be a- a wonderful little gift!” 

“You broke the kids heart, Volo.” Steve says, wrapping an arm around the halfling’s waist, “Look what you’ve done!”

Qezza rolls her eyes, “Volo, thank you. I apologise for the misunderstanding of,” she gestures vaguely to the two boys, “that, we’re very excited about this property!”

“It’s a deal of a lifetime!” Volo says. 

“Thank you! Thank you! Um, would you mind coming with us? Showing us around a bit? W-we’re new in town, we don’t really know how to get there. We’d love a tour!”

“Of course!” Volo says, “It’s a beautiful home, I’m happy to show it to you! But first, would you mind regaling the crowd with your story?” He gestures to the patrons around the bar who all look unamused and impatient at the delay. 

“Yeahhh, alright.” Steve slaps the beer he’d got back onto the bar and steps forward. “So,” he starts, “we met this stupid guy who thought he was a celebrity and told us to find this other stupid guy who’s also maybe a celebrity. We went into this… little cavern. We found this one stupid guy and brought him back to this stupid guy and now this other stupid guy is trying to rip us off. Uh. Good story, let’s take a shot.” He turns back to the bar. The crowd all blink, gawp, too confused to be annoyed at the lack of entertainment.

Renaer holds out his hands, “These heroes are being modest.” he says, “The sewer was no walk in the park! There was no shortage of vile creatures down there in the depths. Stephanos here can show you the eyes of the wretched gazer that dared trifle with us. And you should have seen Steve, here, square off with a dimwit goblin! What was his name? Chusby, or something?” He turns back to the group.

“Mm, it was.” Qezza says, sipping her drink.

Steve shrugs, “Something like that.”

“A pitiful death for a pitiful creature.” Renaer continues with a small shake of his head, “Entirely deserved. Let us raise our glasses to the heroes!” 

“Hey, wait, you forgot about the-” Qezza starts but everyone’s glasses are already lifted in a toast and they are all cheering, “I also decapitated a guy!”

The whole tavern drowns out this statement with applause. They raise their glasses and it turns into a real party. Music plays and people dance, and Steve downs a shot and resists the urge to critique the bard musician. He’s also resisting the urge to ask Stephanos to dance. Can’t even look at him for fear of actually suggesting it. 

Luckily, before he can approach Stephanos, a halfling makes their way through the crowd and wanders up to Stephanos. Steve scowls and takes another shot. They keep appearing on the bar. He keeps drinking them.

“Hello!” This new halfling greets, “I’m Gillyfeld. I want you to know that you’re a real hero to me. I too aspire to rid the world of the malignant parties that pray upon the good and the honest. You have shown me that it’s possible to do so while remaining in the light. I have made this modest gift to remind you to keep your values close to your heart.” 

They reach into their pocket and pull out a little felt badge. Carefully stitched on it is the shape of a raven, clutching a scroll. Stephanos takes it with a look of wonder on his face. And quickly, he wipes a tear from his eye. He looks up at Gillyfeld, then back down to the badge, 

“I… don’t do well with compliments so… uh.” Stephanos is flushing slightly. He looks at Gillyfeld again, “Cool.” He decides on. Steve, watching from the bar, cringes.

He’s considering going to Stephanos’ rescue, to say thank you on the halfling’s behalf but before he can, someone approaches him. 

“Uh. Hello. I’m Ban Sartez.” The man says, leaning against the bar beside Steve. “I er- gamble with Floon here, and I just wanna say, it hasn’t been the same without him. So uh, I don’t mean to get all philosophical here but uh, ya know, the things you do. The choices you make, well, you know, they ripple out into the pond of the universe and uh, this pond’s a little livelier now that our good friend Floon is back.”

Steve is lost with this metaphor. Why must people talk in riddles?

“So uh, anyway,” Ban pulls a little pouch from his pocket, “Please accept this as a token of my appreciation. I would’ve lost it to Floon gambling anyway these past few nights so uh, here you go. Thank you again.” 

He thrusts the pouch of coins into Steve’s hand and turns to leave. 

“Hey uh.” Steve says and Ban turns back around, “I can’t accept this. And I’m gonna give it back to you because, look, I did this for the money. So uh, I can’t really accept it. I didn’t do this for anything that was good natured or of a- an altruistic fashion, it was all just so I could get some money so you can take those dragons and have yourself a good night with your friend Floon.”

Ban Sartez looks a little speechless. But he nods humbly, thanks him, and walks off.

“Why did you do that?” Stephanos asks, joining Steve at the bar. 

Steve shrugs, “Felt wrong. Essentially taking his money.” 

“But… you wanted money, so badly. It’s handed to you and you just… refuse?” Stephanos frowns. Steve smiles at him.

“Well… maybe there are, other things, that I want right now.” He replies vaguely, and takes a large gulp from his tankard.

“Like what?”

Steve’s about to reply, give in to everything, say  _ A dance. With you _ . Only he can’t. Because they’re interrupted. 

Two young children, a boy and a girl, approach with their mother. She nudges them forward and smiles at the boys and Qezza, who’s close by. 

“My name’s Milx. My kids- They have something they want to say to you. Go on, Slegra.”

Slegra looks at her feet as she speaks, “I wanted you to know that um, er, goblins, like me, sometimes people think we are bad and that’s because there are a lot of bad goblins out there but um…”

“Oh!” Steve slips off the barstool and smiles down at the child, “That’s funny that you should say that. I actually met a bad goblin in the sewer. You might’ve known him, actually, you kind of look like him. You didn’t by any chance have a father that guarded maybe an underground sewer, did you?”

The young boy turns back to his mother and says, “Mother… is now when we-”

“Yes, Chusby Junior.” His mother says, “Now.” 

The boy faces the trio again and smirks, “We’re gonna kill you for killing our dad.”

In a blinding frenzy, the familial goblin trio flip backwards and simultaneously unsheathe shining scimitars. They land, their weapons brandished, a hunger for vengeance burning in their eyes. 

“ _ Jesus _ .” Qezza hisses

“You’ve got to be kidding me, I haven’t even finished my beer.” Steve complains, dodging as Chusby Junior makes a swipe at him.

At once, Stephanos pulls out his crossbow, aims at Chusby Junior and shoots. The bolt lands between the young goblin’s eyes and pins him to the far fall. The crowd collectively gasp.

“Holy shit.” Steve says, “You actually shot something.” Stephanos beams. 

Meanwhile Qezza’s fighting Milx, and Slegra turns her attention to the boys. Milx is a good fighter, Qezza misses with every jab and the woman smirks.

“You think I’m as easy to kill as my low-t husband and my little boy?!” 

Steve dodges a hit from Slegra and says,”Jesus, sounds like that marriage was on the rocks way before we showed up.”

Then he takes his rapier, throws it into the air, does a roundhouse kick that hits the bottom of the rapier handle. But instead of succeeding with his aim of kicking it right into Milx’ forehead, it flies the opposite way, over the bar, and lands in a keg. Beer starts spraying all over people and they all cheer. 

“I did that on purpose.” Steve says hurriedly when Qezza and Stephanos look at him in annoyance, “That was for showmanship.” He hurries up and over the bar to retrieve the rapier. 

“Just like Papa taught me!” Slegra says, charging for Stephanos. She swings her scimitar at Stephanos’ feet but the halfling merely jumps over it. 

Steve slides back over the bar counter, laughing, “What did he teach you, Slegra?  _ Bla-blargh-blarghhhh _ .” He imitates the goblin’s death with a smirk across his face. 

Qezza jumps out the way to avoid another nick from Milx, but the blade catches her in the shoulder. Having watched this, Stephanos ignites a flame in his hand and points at the goblin mother

“Milx, I’m gonna milx you like a cow!”

There’s a pause amongst the bar at this phrase. Steve and Slegra pause their fighting to look at him. Renaer, who’d taken cover in the back of the room with Floon and Volo, stifles a snigger. Milx herself looks bewildered, like she doens’t get the pun.

“It’s a bold strategy, Cotton, let’s see how this works out for ‘em.” Steve tells him.

With that Stephanos tosses the sacred flame across the tavern. It hits Milx, her hair igniting at once. They all smell the scent of burning scalp. Qezza takes out her glave, so as to attack Milx from a distance and not catch fire, going for the woman’s face and missing. Steve, having shoved Slegra momentarily to the ground, takes a dagger and throws it across the room to Milx. It hits between her eyes and she screams as it sticks into her large skull. But she continues to swing wildly, attacking Qezza.

“Papa guide my steel!” Slegra is off the ground and charges at Steve, who’s caught a little off guard. She hits him in the stomach and he groans. 

Stephanos looks over to him in a wide eyed panic. Steve smiles weakly at him, clutching his middle and slowly making his way to the wall to hold himself up. 

“It’s just a nick.” He promises, but his legs give way and he slides down the wall and slumps onto the floor.

“Thank you Papa!” Slegra kisses her fingers and lifts them up to the air. 

“Just like I taught you!” Milx says proudly, “Papa will be real proud of ya!”

“No!” Stephanos charges at Slegra and throws her to the ground. The girl yelps slightly, but then laughs. 

“What are you gonna do? Hit me with your tiny hands?” 

“If you’ve killed him-”

Slegra laughs again, “Will it make you cry?” She pouts her bottom lip mockingly. Stephanos groans and pushes himself off of her, picking up his crossbow. He fires it once at Slegra, then again, swiftly, at Milx. 

Slegra is hit in the leg and she falls to the ground with a high pitched yelp. Milx’ bolt lands in her arm, and completely severs it from her body. Bood starts spurting everywhere and the crowd gasps. Stephanos doesn’t care, he flies down to Steve’s side.

“Steve!” Stephanos’ hands shake, hesitating above Steve’s body. Roles are suddenly reversed from the sewers and he doesn’t like being on this end at all. Steve’s eyes are closed, he’s barely breathing, and he looks so gentle. Gentle is the last word Stephanos should be using to describe Steve. He’s a little frantic with healing him, guiding his hand across Steve’s wounded stomach as he mutters the cure spell. 

“Steve, come on. I know you want to die because you don’t want to hear my voice anymore, but, tough, you idiot, come on.” 

The colour edges back into Steve’s face and he squeezes his eyelids and scrunches his nose as he regains consciousness.

“Ugh.” He groans, forcing himself to sit up a little. He gazes around the bar, and, monotone and sarcastic says, “Oh wow. So glad to be back on Earth when I was only a few feet away from the Pearly Gates where they had free beer.” He’s taken in the bar, and so turns to the halfling kneeling beside him. Said halfling just smiles.

“Hi Steve.”

Steve feels himself melt a little. Stephanos is smiling widely at him, close and glowing and  _ everything _ . “Hi, Stephanos.” He says. Gentle. Again. But  _ alive,  _ gentle this time. It sends Stephanos’ heart on a roller coaster; spinning, swooshing, thumping. 

“Steve, you’re back!” Qezza says, having had a tiny chance to glance over. Though, she wishes she hadn’t said anything because it broke whatever spell the two boys were under and they have jumped a little away from one another. 

Seeing Steve alive and well angers the goblins. Slegra seems to be growling as she charges at the bard, but Qezza grabs her. She whirls the child around and around and throws her across the room. The crowd gasps. Slegra flies towards a half open window and her body lands at the bottom of the frame. Half her body dangles out the front of the window, the legs still on the inside. She looks quite lifeless. 

Meanwhile, Steve and Stephanos have gotten Milx cornered against the wall. She’s looking pretty worse for wear, blood still pours from her arm, her scalp is burnt to a cinder, hair gone. Steve presses her against the wall and pulls the dagger from her head. Her eyes roll but she’s still alive. Steve presses the tip of the blade against her heart. His eyes glimmer darkly, again, like when he killed Krentz, Chusby. Speaking of,

“I’m gonna kill you in the same way I killed your husband.” He says sweetly, and pierces her chest with the blade. 

“ _ Ughh _ .” Milx struggles to breath, and when she exhales, blood pours from her lips. Steve holds her eyes as he pushes the blade further. So much blood. He watches the light slip slowly from her eyes. The dagger slides through her body. He twists it a little, for luck, and the last little glint of light fades.

Steve steps back suddenly and her body collapses to the floor. He pants and stares down at her. The spectators, once excited, now look at them all with confusion and concern. Volo recovers quickly, however, and climbs atop a table. He raises a glass,

“They’ve done it again!” he says, “Three cheers for our heroes!”

“Thank you, Volo.” Qezza says, putting away her great sword. The tavern once more erupts with applause. 

Stephanos sighs and flops down into a chair nearby, “I need a nap.” he says. 

“I think we all need a nap.” Qezza agrees. 

“Well, if you need a nap, I’ve got a pretty good place for you.” 

“Shut up Volo!” Stephanos groans. Steve smiles. 

“Ok! Well, jesus, come on man. I’m your friend!” Volo says.

“No you’re not!” Both Steve and Stephanos say. They turn and grin at each other.

Qezza rolls her eyes, “Well, we were about to go and see this house that he promised so…”

“Oh of course! Of course!” Volo clasps his hands together and grins at them all, “Renaer, uh, Floon? Would you like to join?”

“I er-” Floon starts, “I think I’d rather head to my own bed, if that’s quite alright with you all. Thank you,  _ very _ much for everything. But god, I miss my home.”

“Oh! Of course, no worries.” Qezza beams, “We’ll see you around.”

They all shake his hand and Stephanos turns hopefully to Renaer. “Coming?”

Renaer pushes himself from the table he’d been leaning against, “Oh sure, sure, you have become quite good friends I’m er- I’m happy to tag along if you’ll have me!” 

Stephanos gives him a hug. Steve’s eyes narrow. “Alright, give the man some space.” He pulls Stephanos off of him. 

“Right!” Volo says, “To Troll Skull Manor!”

Volo takes them out into the streets and they make their way to their new house. Perhaps they’ll get some much needed rest out here in this new manor. They reflect on their journey as they follow Volo through the streets.

“We were the best of friends.” Stephanos says, between Qezza and Steve. Renaer stands the otherside of Qezza.

“Were?” Steve repeats, “You’re not gonna kill us in your sleep now, are you?” 

“What? Why would I kill you?!” Stephanos asks, “I’ve never killed anyone! Well, except for the enemies that we just had.”

“And your family, but other than that yeah, you’re right, your slate is clean.” Steve says.

“I didn’t kill my family, Steve!” Stephanos retorts. 

“Oh. Sure, sure, you’re secrets safe with me.” 

This earns Steve a shove, and he laughs.

They continue up the street and the sound of their banter fades into the morning air. The city of Waterdeep may still be festering with a raging street war and anyone with half a nose can sniff a sinister something simmering in the shadows. But thanks to our brave heroes, Floon Blaagmar is among friends once more and this small victory is enough to inspire a sense of solace. 

What more adventures await our funny little crew? Perhaps we’ll check in one day, but, for the moment, we leave them, turning down a street named Troll Skull Alley, with the future laid out in front of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the end?? welll, we got an epilogue, which i have already finished so y’all won’t be waiting a week for it, maybe a few days, crazy how it’s already come to an end tho, feels like i only just started it.
> 
> thanks so much for all the support and love y’all gave this! means so so much, ily all. also got a few ideas for some other stevanos things, so we’ll see 👀


	9. Epilogue

~THE BALCONY, TROLL SKULL MANOR, TROLL SKULL ALLEY~

“There you are.” Steve steps out of the door and onto the stone balcony. 

Stephanos, who’s leaning against the metal railings turns around and smiles at his friend’s entrance. “Here I am.” He says. 

Steve stands beside him and they look out over the city of Waterdeep. The sun has just set, and the town flickers with little glowing orange balls of lights in bars and homes. Over in the distance the Dockward glistens with the moonlight, and seagulls circle and swoop over the water. 

Troll Skull Manor turns out to be a decent building. It’s old, but in a cosy kind of way, not a literally-falling-apart kind of way. The balcony trails off from a master bedroom, which they drew straws for, and, Qezza had won, of course. But all the rooms are decent, with king size beds and elegant beams across the ceilings. 

“Are you glad?” Stephanos asks after a while. 

“Glad of what?” Steve asks. 

“That we have this place. Y’know to stay. That you’re no longer moving from city to city.” Stephanos explains. He’s staring out at the city as he speaks, not at Steve.

Steve shrugs. “I guess so. It’s different. Are you? Glad, I mean?” He’s staring at Stephanos as he speaks, not out at the city. 

“I don’t know.” Stephanos says, “I’ve… I forgot what it was like, y’know, to have a home.” He turns to Steve, who at once averts his eyes shyly to the floor. He nods.

“I get it.” When he looks back up, Stephanos is looking out at the starry sky. 

“Don’t you think it’s beautiful?” Stephanos says. “The stars. They’re just so…” He waves his arm around as though trying to reach for a word.

“Pretty?” Steve suggests.

Stephanos sighs, laughter raw on his lips, “Yeah, pretty.” He says, glances over at Steve. Then he frowns, “You’re not even looking.” 

“Huh?” Steve flushes, “Oh, yeah, my bad, stars, cool, pretty, very nice.” He looks up briefly, around at the dark sky. Stephanos laughs a little,

“Steve.” 

“What?” He grins, looks back down at the halfling.

A breeze brushes against them, whispering its way through the doors into the bedroom. 

“You’re just so…” 

“Pretty?” Steve suggests, raising his eyebrows. 

Stephanos laughs, “I was gonna say annoying.” 

“ _Wow_. Thanks, Cotton.” Steve says, watching Stephanos lean against the railings again, staring back down at the streets below. Steve’s heart is kind of in his throat, but it feels like now or never. “Cotton?” 

“Yeah?” Stephanos turns and looks at him. He’s just so… beautiful. Pretty. _Annoying_. Yeah. 

But he sighs, much like the other night, only this time the alcohol has long since worn off and he’s perfectly sober. And he knows Stephanos will remember this time. But he sighs. He sighs and moves forward, takes Stephanos’ face into his hands and kisses him. 

Stephanos is frozen for a moment. Taken aback by the sparks and the warmth. But the moment he recovers, begins to kiss back, Steve pulls quickly away.

“Oh my god. Shit, I’m so sorry, I- I know, you said you like Qezza, and you’re probably straight. I shouldn’t have done that, _God,_ please forgive me, you’re too important to-”

And then _Stephanos_ kisses _him_. 

Steve stumbles back a bit. But he wraps an arm around Stephanos’ head, pulling him with him, fingers threading through his hair. Then, as suddenly, Stephanos pulled him in, he abruptly pulls away. He’s frowning, confused.

“Have we done this before?” Stephanos asks. 

Steve’s eyes widen. “What?” 

“We have, haven’t we?!”

“Uh.” 

“Oh my god the _hiccups_ . The _bet._ You didn’t tell me!” 

“I’m sorry! You just- I thought you’d hate me. And quite honestly, I was embarrassed. Not- not your fault I just, I _never_ feel this strongly for someone. I try not to, because, I don’t know, because I’m always on the move and I don’t have time for-” he pauses and shakes his head, “Whatever, _you_ are different. And I. I just thought if I _told_ you, you’d be mad at me. Or we’d be awkward. And you wouldn’t wait to get the hell out of my life and I just, I can’t live without you anymore.” 

Stephanos’ lips twitch into a small smile. “Can’t live without me?” 

Steve rolls his eyes and turns back to the city, “Alright. Don’t start gloatin’.”

“No. No. I- it’s sweet.” Stephanos promises, tugging at Steve’s upper arm, making him turn back to face him. 

“Sweet? God I thought that’s the last thing I’d ever want someone to call me.” 

“Well you can also be a somewhat psychopathic, ruthless murderer so… you’ve got range, is what I’m saying.”

“Hmm, alright, you’ve redeemed yourself, Cotton.” He leans closer to him, smiles when Stephanos presses their noses together. 

“I am glad.” Steve says, “To stay here. With you.”

“Wow. Poor Qezza. And Renaer.”

“It’s fine I left them asleep downstairs, I never said a word.” 

Stephanos smiles. Can’t help it. He goes to kiss him again then pulls back, “I’m sorry, by the way, when I said I had a crush on Qezza. I was… I was going to tell _you_. But just, all you’d done up to that point was shoot me down and I couldn’t- you were just going to brush it off and make some joke or other.”

“Not that time!” Steve says, moving slightly away, “I was really going to be honest that time!” 

“Seriously? _God_ I’m an idiot.”

“Yeah.” Steve agrees with a shrug, wrapping his arms around Stephanos’ waist. “But you can be my idiot, now.” 

Stephanos lets out a breathy kind of laugh, “Gross.” He says. 

“Just, come on, kiss me, again, Cotton.” 

Stephanos grins, pulls Steve’s head down slightly. Kisses him. 

The breeze whispers around them and through the doors into the bedroom. Feeling this breeze as it slips out the bedroom door and into the hallway, are Renaer and Qezza, who peer around the door frame, through the room and out at the balcony. 

Wordlessly, Renaer holds his hand out across the doorway. And reluctantly, Qezza takes two dragons and slips them into Renaer’s open hand. Renaer pockets the money and grins. 

“We should leave them to it.” Renaer says, quietly as possible.

Qezza nods, “Fancy some rounds of gambling?”

“Qezza, you know me so well.”

They slip back down the hall, leaving a note for the two boys, and head back out into the streets. Adventures- Rounds of gambling- await. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaand the end! wow, i’m actually impressed that i finished something tbh? tysm for all you’re support! think i’ll write more of them (hogwarts au still pending) at some point. also got a tinsworth ficnin the works so 👀  
> anyway, tysm for reading ily all so much!!!


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